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All That Glitters

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Lokintr
Dec Member 2014

Lokintr

Posts: 2,432 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
~ Story continues:



Chapter Two(cont.), Page Two, Post Eight
Chapter Three, Page Three, Post Five
Chapter Four, Page Four, Post Eight
Chapters Five and Six, Page Six, Post Five








~ Current Number of Story Posts:

32

01-Jun-2011 01:39:49 - Last edited on 25-Jun-2011 20:45:18 by Lokintr

Raschilat

Raschilat

Posts: 15,486 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Your thread's cherry is mine.

I'm also going to force you to persevere with this story, so don't think of giving up or anything silly like that. :D

EDIT:

Man, I look fabulously similar to a bad attempt at an Icelandic cowboy in my forum avatar. I love it.

01-Jun-2011 01:46:21 - Last edited on 01-Jun-2011 01:50:57 by Raschilat

swaggy420lor

swaggy420lor

Posts: 3,626 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
I like it! Nice suspense, description, and really thought the decrescendo at the end was a nice touch. I'm honestly a terrible reviewer, but you did a great job at keeping my oft-wavering attention span! Expecting to see more soon :) .

01-Jun-2011 02:24:33

Arkkataka

Arkkataka

Posts: 4,327 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
This is clearly a darker story, very interesting yet also depressing in some ways as a ritual is preformed and a person is killed. Very good descriptions that went a ways to make it very clear what is going on.

I would like to know the "So-what" of the story though I don't see the point other than that a ritual is preformed. In other words is the group planning something with the dagger? Did they unleash something? Is this dagger a power onto itself? Are the girl's parents or family going to want revenge? Will anyone try and destroy this group? Will this group try and destroy something? In my opinion you've left it with too many questions.
An easy way to solve this may be to add a little more of somthing either at the end or at the beginning to help clarify the group
Unless of course the plot revolves around such questions and it is the point of the story

These are just my opinion though and my differ as I have my preferences for a story.

01-Jun-2011 23:54:33

Lokintr
Dec Member 2014

Lokintr

Posts: 2,432 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
“You silly boy. My poor little Faohin.” she whispered. “What did I tell you about getting involved?” She smoothed his hair away from his face then turned to stoke the fire, bringing back a merry blaze.

Daren returned with the required items and proceeded to do as she directed, wetting some of the cloths and handing them to her to allow her to bathe the wounds. It took some time to clean the blood from around his various cuts and apply a soothing poultice before binding them with clean linen and occasionally he let out a miserable whimper as she applied pressure. Daren, who normally would have giggled at his brother’s distress, realised how seriously injured he was and stayed silent. He was dismissed to bed soon after while his grandmother stayed with his brother, stroking his hand. With some resentment he realised that he was being gotten rid of; perhaps she did not want him to witness her chiding of Faohin. But he did as he was told and climbed into bed.

He woke several hours later, confused by a dream he’d been having: a group of strangers had been crowded around his bed, tall shadowy figures, all scrutinising him carefully. The room was dark; the candle by his bedside had gone out, but the glow from the living room fire was as strong as it had been earlier. Puzzled, he slid from beneath his sheets and padded silently through the house, peering through the gap in the door.

His brother and his grandmother were still there, almost exactly as he’d left them – but they were not alone. Four people had joined them, sitting in various relaxed poses around the room. They all spoke quietly and quickly, a sense of urgency to their voices. Daren could just manage to hear what they were saying.

“It’s happened.” This was from the one nearest to the door. Their back was to Daren so he could not see a face, but the voice was male, assured and powerful.

“Already?” This was from a woman, petite, pretty, perched daintily on the edge of the table.

02-Jun-2011 20:53:57 - Last edited on 02-Jun-2011 20:58:24 by Lokintr

Lokintr
Dec Member 2014

Lokintr

Posts: 2,432 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Daren could see puzzlement in her eyes.

“Yes,” he answered, “and much sooner than we anticipated. Did you hear the reports from the palace? This storm has magic in it. They say it was sent from the far west, towards Ardougne. We’ve had some contact with Yanille – the wizards felt great power stirring from beneath Arandar.”

“That’s impossible. The Underground Pass was secured years ago as a passage to the elf lands.” The third speaker was another woman; her voice was low and she had a strange, lilting accent. Her skin was the colour of chocolate, her jet black hair coiled and braided around her head. One of her eyes was held closed by a ropy scar, but the other was alert and focused.

“I know, but that in itself is not the most puzzling aspect.”

“It’s the power involved, isn’t it?” said the first woman.

“Yes. There is nothing alive – that we know of, anyway – who has the power to send a storm as strong has this four-hundred miles across Gielinor. It is the power of the Gods, and the accessible only stores of their power are in the God Dungeon, deep under the ice to the north.”

Daren’s grandmother spoke up next. He was surprised to hear such authority in her voice, and from the way everyone looked at her, it was almost as if she was some sort of leader. “Speculation is at this point useless,” she said frankly. “We need facts; reliably gathered information from sources that can be trusted. We all know who would try to dissuade us from ascertaining the truth.”

There was a murmur of assent, then the fourth person in the room spoke. The voice was that of a young man, and at this Daren almost gasped. He recognised that voice. It was one of his brother’s friends, a known thief who went by the alias Sparrow. More confused than ever, Daren stared at him as he spoke.

“Look at what happened here. This is what happens when we try to be unobtrusive. We are caught – and not even by those who really matter.

02-Jun-2011 20:54:29 - Last edited on 02-Jun-2011 20:59:32 by Lokintr

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