RuneScape Forum Archive | _.>~*~>Elite Noob<~*~<.

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Chapter 29

Monty: This story is really lame. What kind of maniacal way should I kill off the characters…?

Elite Noob: Pick me! Pick me!

Monty: Okay insignificant insect, how may I dispose of you?

Elite Noob: Well, I’ve never been in lava before…

Monty: Ok, then I’ll throw you in the lava!

John: Hee hee! Lava*s like red water right?

Monty: Exactly; red water made of molten rock at 10,000 degrees.

John: Wow! That’s some smart water you’ve got there!

Monty: Ok “John”. You get to go first!

John: But I'm allergic to H2O!

Monty: C’mon, are you a man or a mouse?

John: I’ve been awfully afraid of cats lately...

Monty: Ugh!!!! Just jump already!!

John: How do you jump?

Monty: Oh my god! You mean you don’t even know how to jump?!?!?!?!

John: Only when I was in a kangaroo’s pouch…

Monty: AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!

*Due to an extreme feat of anger, Monty Python spontaneously combusts*

Rumplestilskin: Stop stealing my action sequences!!

Obby cape pure: D00D3, 7H15 15 83773R 7H4N 7H3 M00V13S!

Author: Well, I’m glad that’s over…

Tzharr: Do we still have to get heat vision?

Author: Yes! I love Cyclops of X-Men!

Tzharr: Noooooooooooo!

End Chapter 29

21-Jan-2007 01:11:36 - Last edited on 12-Jul-2007 05:45:25 by [#C3FW206YM]

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Chapter 30
Tzharr Guard: Get out of our fire pool you noobs!
John: Ahhh… finally a hot tub that gets me nice and warm…
Elite Noob: Yes it is nice… wanna make it warmer?
John: No
Elite Noob: Why not?
John: Well, when you’re on fire you don't want the temperature to rise to your body’s melting point right?
Elite Noob: I guess so.
John: That’s why I do not want it to get any hotter.
Elite Noob: So, we’re on fire, correct?
John: Incorrect
Elite Noob: Then why’d you make that big lecture?!
John: Because YOU are the only one on fire
Sneaky Salesman: Not for long!
John and Elite Noob: Gasp! It’s sneaky salesman again!
Sneaky Salesman: Yes! I’m back after visiting my cousin-in-law: Iban!
Iban: Muhahhaha! I knew that if anyone could supply me with a rubber duck it would be my niece-in-law!
Sneaky Salesman: I’m MALE you idiot!
Rubber Duck: He has a point there…
Iban: Ugh! Die you worthless duck!
*Iban blasts rubber duck with lava*
Rubber Duck: Ha! I'm immune!
Iban: But are you immune to DRINKING GASOLINE?!
Sneaky Salesman: Hey! That’s a collectible rubber duck in a grim reaper costume!
Rubber Duck: Wait a minute! Where’d those noobs go!?
Iban: They must've burned up like my marshmallows from the last Fourth of July.
Sneaky Salesman: Yes, everything went wrong that day.
Rubber Duck: Why?
Iban: Because it was Friday the thirteenth.
Tzharr Security Guard: Hey! Where are your pass(censored)ports?
Sneaky Salesman: Um… in my cookie jar?
Tzharr soldier: C’mon men! Let’s use our heat vision!
*ZAP*
Rubber Duck: I’m melting! I’m melting!
END CHAPTER 30

21-Jan-2007 01:12:30 - Last edited on 25-May-2008 17:14:51 by [#C3FW206YM]

[#C3FW206YM]

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Chapter 31

Elite Noob: Well, look where we are: Lumbridge.

John: Wow! Look at Guthix’s hot springs!

*In place of Guthix hot springs, is a gambling and casino/lawyer firm and law school*

Kitty: The casino is mine-

Zamorak: And the lawyer firm and law school are mine!

Guthix: Have you guys heard this cat?! He’s a genius at universal domination plans! We’ll take over a place called “World of Peacecraft” soon

Saradomin on cell fone: So Guthix is like, totally man! And that cat’s like, evil. So I’m like, if you can sell it, I can buy it. Mmm-hmm. Yeah okay. No, there are plenty of easily manipulative noobs to swindle. Yup. Uh-huh. There’s two here right now.

Kitty: She just loves her unlimited minutes (along with an unlimited fone bill)

Saradomin: WHY DOES EVERYONE REFER TO ME AS A FEMALE?!

*Beep! Beep!*

Saradomin: Oh! There goes my pager. It’s time for my manicure.

Elite Noob and John: Can we come into your casino Kitty?

Kitty: Well, you did stop my evil plan of taking over Runescape… Okay! You deserve to be conned.

*As Elite Noob and John walk through the revolving doors, a buzzer goes off*

Mechanical Voice: Alert! Alert! Noobs without any monetary supplies have entered the building!

John: Hey! Mechanical voices haven’t been invented yet!

Guthix: Well neither have caramel milkshakes!

Elite Noob: …What does that have to do anything?

Guthix: Well, I’m going to “Starbucks World” to get one!

Evil Bob: That’ll be a 1,000,000 gold piece fee for using ScapeRune teleportation matrix.

Guthix: It’s worth any price!

Wise Old Man: Waaaaaaaaaaaaah! I’ve gambled away the entire Draynor Bank’s deposited money-I mean-My life’s savings! If any easily manipulative noobs were come in here, I would advise them not to!

John: Whoa… If a smart person says we shouldn’t go, then we DEFINITELY should try the roulette!

21-Jan-2007 01:36:42 - Last edited on 12-Jul-2007 05:46:11 by [#C3FW206YM]

[#C3FW206YM]

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Kitty: Heh heh! Little do these easily manipulative noobs know all the money this casino makes goes to the “Kitty needs complete control over the Runescape Gods” foundation!

CAN ELITE NOOB AND JOHN STOP KITTY’S EVIL PLAN?! FIND OUT IN CHAPTER 32!

End chapter 31

21-Jan-2007 04:56:54 - Last edited on 12-Jul-2007 05:46:24 by [#C3FW206YM]

[#C3FW206YM]

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Chapter 32 Kitty Special

Kitty: Hello fans! My alias is Kitty, and this is my chapter about how I am going to take over Runescape! First, I need to learn hypnosis, and the best source in Runescape for that is the Sphinx!

*After several excruciating days of trekking in the desert (and flirting with Neite the cat) Kitty finally meets the Sphinx*

Sphinx: *Sob* Waah! I lost my golden statue in a bet! *Sniffle* I’m never going to bet again! *sob*

Kitty: I bet you a trillion gold pieces you will.

Sphinx: You’re on!

Kitty: You lose!

Sphinx: What?! Nooooo! *sob*

Kitty: Okay okay; stop the water works! Instead of the money, why don’t you teach me hypnosis?

Sphinx: Alright! Look deep into my eyes, No blinking! Stare! Stare! You are now under my influence!

Kitty in a trance: I am under your influence

Sphinx: Really?! This is the first time it’s worked! First of all, you are going to wake up with a pounding headache.

Kitty in a trance: Headache…wake up…Zzz…

Sphinx: Good. Now also when you wake up, you will think you know hypnosis, but in reality you will be giving away money!

Kitty in a trance: Hypnosis...money...Zzz…

Sphinx: You will not remember this. Okay, now when I count to ten, you will wake up. One, two, three, four, five, six…

*Unfortunately, the Sphinx fell asleep while counting*

Sphinx: Eight…Zz

Kitty still in a trance: Eight…Zz

Sphinx: Zzzz

Kitty in a trance: Zzz

*Three days later*

Sphinx: *Yawn* That was a good catnap!

Kitty in a trance: Yawn….that…good…catnap…

Sphinx: Oh dear! Are you still in a trance!

Kitty in a trance: What part of my dialogue saying “Kitty in a trance” do you not understand?! Zzzz…

Sphinx: I’m terribly sorry! Ten! Ten! Dash it all, Ten!

Kitty: Meoooow! I’m refreshed! Now then, you fool! I shall now put you under hypnosis! Muhaha!

*Takes out wallet*

21-Jan-2007 05:01:14 - Last edited on 12-Jul-2007 05:48:49 by [#C3FW206YM]

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Kitty: Here you go! What?! Noooo! I must fight it! Errrrr!

*Kitty is straining muscles, but is still handing out money*

Kitty: Nooo! I’ve been turned into a Finster!

Sphinx: Finster? Don’t you mean monster?

Kitty: I have a cousin named Finster…No paws stop it!

*Will Kitty be saved? Will I ever write another kitty chapter special? Find out in Chapter 33!*

Kitty: You better, bub!

End chapter 32

21-Jan-2007 05:36:20 - Last edited on 12-Jul-2007 05:49:31 by [#C3FW206YM]

[#C3FW206YM]

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Chapter 33
*We join Kitty relaxing in ScapeRune*
Kitty: Well, I’m glad that mess with the sphinx worked out.
Evil Bob: Did you finally learn how to hypnotize?
Lance Tiger: Ahem!
Kitty: Let me show you. Your eyes are getting heavy, you are getting very sleepy
*Takes out 5,000 gold*
Kitty: here you go!
Evil Bob: Thank you!
Kitty: Fool! I was just pretending to see if you’d deceive me and take my lunch money! It was a test!
Evil Bob: Did I fail?
Lance Tiger: Ahem!!
Kitty: No. You passed with flying colors... Anyway, back to hypnotizing. You are getting sleepy; your eyes are getting heavy
Evil Bob in a trance: …Eyes…heavy…
Kitty: Hey Evil Bob wake up! It’s working!
Evil Bob: Hmm? Oh right, it’ll never work.
Kitty: But it just worked perfectly!
Evil Bob: (Someone’s been playing with the catnip)
Lance Tiger: AHEM!!!!
Evil Bob: What!
Lance Tiger: I uncooked your fish for you
Evil Bob: Now fish one for my guest and my brother
Bob the Jagex cat: Hi!
Lance Tiger: …Aren’t you guys mortal enemies?
Bob: Nah, that’s just some biz we hooked up. It pays the bills, and we get stroked by Andrew Gower every night! Sometimes he gives us milk
Lance Tiger: I don’* want to fish and un-cook more fish! I want out!
Kitty: Don’t make me rip your face off!!
Lance Tiger: You and what army?
Evil Bob: Silly humans, cats don’t need armies! We can sneak into any social/military/political event just by looking cute!
Kitty: Muhahaha! With the writer in peril here, no one can save runescape now!
Bob: well, technically, I could, but this island is sooo nice and relaxing… I think I’ll just take a day off…
Elite Noob: Lance! You haven’t included me or Josh in over two chapters!
John: Stop calling me Josh!!!
Evil Bob: Hurrah! More slaves!
CAN ELITE NOOB, JOHN, AND LANCE TIGER BE SAVED!?
Kitty: Of course, not you fool
FIND OUT IN CHAPTER 34!
End chapter 33

21-Jan-2007 17:31:45 - Last edited on 25-May-2008 17:17:09 by [#C3FW206YM]

[#C3FW206YM]

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Chapter 34

Elite Noob: W00t! We get to be slaves! Isn’t that wonderful?!

Lance Tiger: You are actually happy? Geez, I must have made you guys too dumb…

John: Too what?

Lance Tiger: Dumb! Dumb!

John: No thanks. I don’* want any candy.

*Evil Chicken teleports to Evil Bob’s Evil Island*

Evil Chicken: That’s the last time I eat at Kentucky Fried Chicken for lunch…

Evil Bob: Oh no! My cat instincts are taking control of me!

Kitty and Bob: Us too!

*All the cats pounce on the Evil Chicken*

Evil Chicken: Augh! Somebody save me!

Kitty: Hey Bob, pass the dark meat please.

Bob the Jagex cat: No! My food!

Lance Tiger: Now’s our chance!

John: Sweet!

*John gets out a Monopoly game*

Elite Noob: I hope I get an “out of jail free” card!

Evil Chicken: Can I be the top hat?

Kitty: Oh my gosh! Monopoly! I love that game!

Lance Tiger: Guys, I thought we were escaping.

Elite Noob: In the middle of a Monopoly game?! I think not!

John: Wow a new record.

*Meanwhile, the cats just finished gobbling the Evil Chicken*

Bob: Hey Kitty, care to play “Evil Wishbone”?

Kitty: I love evil wishbone!

Evil Bob: Yay! I got Park Place!

Elite Noob: but you haven’t even rolled the dice yet!

*Evil Bob unsheathes his claws*

Evil Bob: Care to say that again?

Elite Noob: That again.

*Shred!*

Lance Tiger: That’s it! I’m leaving you losers here!

Elite Noob: I’m not a loser! I’m a winner!! At least in this round of Monopoly…

John: Hurry! Let’s leave! These guys are sore losers!

Evil Bob: We should be sore! You used loaded dice!

Elite Noob: Time to go!

End Chapter 34

21-Jan-2007 18:02:08 - Last edited on 12-Jul-2007 05:51:10 by [#C3FW206YM]

[#C3FW206YM]

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Chapter 35

Elite Noob: Lance Tiger is mean! He said that two plus two doesn’t equal thirty-eight!

John: Lance Tiger*s right! It equals sixty-three!

Lance Tiger: Oh my god! Why don’t you guys go to a math class or something?

Elite Noob: (with an evil smirk on his face) Or something…

*Two hours later at the Pony fair…*

Elite Noob: Whee! Go horsy go!

Lance Tiger: I thought I told you to go to a math class!

Elite Noob: I decided to do the “Or something”

John: Hee hee! Fun spiky horsy!

Lance Tiger: …That’s a unicorn…

*John gets impaled*

John: Noo! I hope I don’t end up in Lumbridge!

Zamorak: Looky! A unicorn!

Elite Noob: You like unicorns?

Zamorak: Erm…Uh…No! I only like black evil unicorns!

Elite Noob: Well too bad. I guess I’ll just stab this unicorn then!

Zamorak: Noo! I confess! I like unicorns!! Rainbows too.

Guthix: Ha ha! Zamorak is a sissy sissy!

Saradomin: No wonder all my unicorn/rainbow bumper stickers were missing…

Zamorak: Grrr! This is all Elite Noob’s fault!! I’m so angry that I think I’ll go fry Varrock! It’s a shame since it was just redone by Bob the Cat’s minion High Mage Andrew Gower…

John: Elite Noob, we can't let him do that! We owe something to our town, our community!

Elite Noob: John this is no time to worry about taxes!

John: Fine, I’ll go save Varrock myself!

*John bursts into the King of Varrock’s bedroom*

King of Varrock: Get out of here infidel!

John: Let’s see… Do you have a telefone booth?

King of Varrock: I always keep one by my bed…Hey wait a minute! Guards throw out this buffoon!

*John heroically dives into the fonebooth*

John: Time to test out my super suit!

*John changes into a Police Officer’s suit*

John: To Varrock square!

*The guards throw John out of the Castle*

Zamorak: Now let’s see* where did I put that nitroglycerine…

John: Sir, mumbling about nitroglycerine is a public offense.

21-Jan-2007 18:39:01 - Last edited on 12-Jul-2007 05:51:43 by [#C3FW206YM]

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Zamorak: Ha! I don’t care about the law!

John: But I have a shiny badge!

Zamorak: *Gasp* The symbol of a higher power! I’m so sorry officer! It’s just my 13,678th offense; please let me off with a warning.

John: Well, if you promise to not terrorize Varrock…

Zamorak: I promise!

*Zamorak teleports away to his law firm*

Elite Noob: Wow John, you saved Varrock!

Lance Tiger: Just in time for math class! Bwahahahaha!

CAN ELITE NOOB AND JOHN BE SAVED FROM MATH? FIND OUT IN CHAPTER 36!

End chapter 35

21-Jan-2007 18:56:29 - Last edited on 24-Jul-2007 16:03:51 by [#C3FW206YM]

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