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CaptChekaka

CaptChekaka

Posts: 35,595 Sapphire Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Mechanics: 13/30
Your story was literally plagued with frequent grammar mistakes and they did some major damage on your writing as a whole. I *was* interested, but the grammar errors continuously distracted me from all of the good points in your story.
Frequent errors included: Terribly large use of caps, overusing punctuation, having no punctuation, leaving out apostrophes, and capitalization.

Caps: If you want to stress a point, the best way is *not* to use caps lock. Using this just creates a large distraction and it deters your readers. Try emphasizing one word, or use a smiley. It's just that doing it to an entire sentence *really* irks me.
Punctuation: I'll just keep this all together. Sometimes, you used way too many exclamation marks or question marks that are normally allowed. For example: (!!!), (???), (?!?), or any misture of this. It is grmmatically incorrect, and it's better to just use one of them to make a point. The other mistakes that were noticable were just completely forgetting punctuation as a whole. Your writing was mostly plagued with the latter.
Apostrophes: Sometimes, you'd just randomly leave out apostrophes. You'd use them correctly, and then not use them at all. A quick proofread will fix that up, though.
Capitalization: Remember that each time a new sentence is begun, it needs to be capitalized. Along with this, proper nouns need to be capitalized as well.
The noted mistakes are below (They are only through Chapter Sixteen).

03-Jan-2008 23:59:05 - Last edited on 04-Jan-2008 00:02:34 by CaptChekaka

CaptChekaka

CaptChekaka

Posts: 35,595 Sapphire Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Elite Noob: Excuse me ma'am, but I found this slice of salami on the ground, is it yours
- No punctuation. You need a question mark.
Bryana: No I havent lost a piece of sala- Oh my gosh! its a...its a...
- "its" should be "it's" both times.
Elite Noob: I know its either a hunk of salami, or a shark's muffin. Oh well looks tasty.
- "its" should be "it's".
Elite Noob: Oh my gosh! Its a snicker doodle cookie with George Petersons initials!!!
- Triple punctuation is a no-no.
Bryana: Anyway, back to business. Chop down that tree with this axe. then burn the logs
- The full stip after axe either needs to be turned to a comma or "then" needs to be capitalized. Also, no punctuation.
OMG! WHAT HAVE TREES EVER DONE TO DESERVE SUCH LIGHT PUNISHMENT?!
- Shorthand. Not cool.
Chef: We cannot make coffee yet, but Ill teach you to make bread
- No punctuation.
Elite Noob: bread is soooooooo lame; and yes you can make coffee. Anyone can!
- "bread" needs to be capitalized.
Chef: That's not coffee. Thats boiling mud of doom
- No punctuation.
Elite Noob: Sounds like a comic book! Any who bottoms up!
- "Any who" whould be one word, Anywho.
Elite Noob: Aw man! I wish I drank some more coffee
- No punctuation.
Elite Noob: this is an island? I thought this was a spy movie with teletubbies.
- "this" needs to be capitalized.
Elite Noob: Yeeeoouch! That smarts! Hey look! a femur!
- "a" needs to be capitalized.
Smither: You mean finger bone; from your hand.
- I can't remember what the rule is called but the semicolon should be a comma.
Elite Noob: Well, Im bored Im off to learn necromancy and how to water plants!
- You need a full stop between "bored" and "I'm".
John: Ok
- No punctuation.
Elite Noob: Yum. I love whipped cream
- No punctuation.
Elite Noob: Like I care
- No punctuation.
Sneaky Salesman: (Hey I know! Ill kill these losers in the wild) Ill come too
- No punctuation.

03-Jan-2008 23:59:06 - Last edited on 04-Jan-2008 00:00:48 by CaptChekaka

CaptChekaka

CaptChekaka

Posts: 35,595 Sapphire Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Elite Noob and John: AUUUUURRRGH!!!!! MAKE IT STOP!
- Excessive caps and punctuation... :(
John: We have tea and crumpets with the queen at 7:30 and painting with a guy named "Leonardo" at 9:30
- No punctuation.
Elite Noob: Sounds too easy
- No punctuation.
Elite Noob: Too foreign
- No punctuation.
Elite Noob: Too feathery
- No punctuation.
John: Well what else is there?!?!
- Excessive punctuation.
Random noob: There's always clans...
- Since clan is plural, "There's" needs to be "There are".
John: Im glad we see eye to eye
- No punctuation.
Elite Noob: What do you mean i 2 i???
- Excessive punctuation and I don't know if the "i 2 i" thing was on purpose.

These are the basic things that I found. Edit these in your story and then apply the same corrections to mistakes made later on.
These are in chronological order. If you go through your story, you'll find them in this order.

03-Jan-2008 23:59:06 - Last edited on 04-Jan-2008 00:01:47 by CaptChekaka

CaptChekaka

CaptChekaka

Posts: 35,595 Sapphire Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Tilt: +2/+-10
Ahh... I really enjoyed this story. I feel as though it deserves a small bump.
Total: 110/150 or 73.33% or 7.33/10
Elite Noob is definitely one of the better noob stories on the forum. What it lacks in the Mechanical area, it makes up for in Comedy. An excellent story that needs just a few touchups to become a truly awesome experience.
Things to work on:

- The comedy could use some touchups in a few areas. Clarrify what you're trying to say.
- If you can, go back and try and take away the game aspect. It really pulls this down. While doing so, change some of the characters names and try not to use leet, or levels, in said name.
- Try and tie up the few loose plot ends.
- Fix the mistakes gramma-wise!
- Oh, and write more.

04-Jan-2008 00:00:26 - Last edited on 04-Jan-2008 00:02:18 by CaptChekaka

[#HUX50HNE9]

[#HUX50HNE9]

Posts: 562 Steel Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
k, I didnt read ch. 27 yet, but I love this story! 4 the new year, make a New Chapter were John dies from Rocky and Elite Noob learns the horrible truth:
Rocky:......!
Elite Noob:NOOOOOOOOOO!!!! MY DOG IS DEAD!!!!!!
Rocky:...........!
Elite Noob:I thought that "Zant337(lvl.19/Member :D )" killed my dog! But........NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :@ W:Howdy. Just thought I'd stop on by.
W,s Daughter: Daddy, this isn't "George W. Bush Verses Abe Lincoln: A Robot Chicken special"
W:What?! DANG U, SADAM!
everyone:...
Hope u get ideas :)

04-Jan-2008 22:06:44

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