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Nildi of Keldagrim

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Dreamweaver
Aug Member 2003

Dreamweaver

Posts: 3,790 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Well there's nothing else from Nildi at the current time - sorry Maia. But you will be informed when I next put fingers to keyboard in a somewhat creative fashion...

I"m all for criticism and flaws, Diescammers, and I'm sure you can think of some. Thanks as always for your kind words though. Kudos to my most dedicatedes* fan!

Dreamweaver

13-Jul-2007 07:38:50

97swiftarm

97swiftarm

Posts: 6,533 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Now the only problem, only mind you and this is just my opinion, is this paragraph.

“Devlin was like a brother to me,” he whispered, fighting to hold back tears. “We trained and worked together for more than forty years. Please allow me to return him home.”

Reading this in the story, I found, that it disrupted the flow. It was incredibly sudden, like a striking snake (In some cases it works... I just felt it didn't here). It just felt awkward.

What could have made this sentence would be a little more depth into their backgrounds from before. Something that makes the emotion "already known". Maybe when Nildi first met the Magi on the journey?

Now I know this sounds picky, but I can be picky. My bad Dream. But remember... This was the only fault I found with the story, and I was being incredibly picky.

14-Jul-2007 07:22:50

Dreamweaver
Aug Member 2003

Dreamweaver

Posts: 3,790 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Maia, thanks gratefully for your generous bumpings - poetry and all! I'll be away until the week after next while I finish this training course and then take a week's vacation. Needless to say, any bumps through that period would be particularly appreciated. :)

But after that I'll be back in with things as normal. So keep me posted on your postings DieScammers, and I'll give it the time and attention it deserves when I return.

All the best to whomever peers in to this thread!

Dreamweaver

20-Jul-2007 04:41:07

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