I have actually just finished a story, it's a quest suggestion written as a story called The Isle of Lost Kings. Very little character development, but it's fun
Oh, and come prepared - it's more than 55 pages in Word (probably a similar length to your masterpiece here, but it's the longest story I've ever written)
.
49-50-630-43875914
Now, to delve again into Nildi's enchanting tale...
Page 9, post 2
"A couple of times, they caught sight of guards and were forced to wait or take a different turn, but eventually they reached the smithy on the eastern side of town and peeked out at the harbor area."
The comma between times and they is unnecessary. Also, it says a lot that this is the first time I've had to make a comment
----
I notice that when you begin a part describing someone other that the main characters you almost always begin with a new character's name.
There is nothing wrong with this, it works quite well, I was just wondering if you did it on purpose?
----
Page 10, post 9--> "a stark and black shadow against the night sky."
Would you be able to see a black shadow against the night sky? Oh, and personally I think a comma would work better than 'and' in that situation
----
"incanting at the tops of their voices."
That's not a word, so of course I love it! This story is absolutely intoxicating...
Ah...
Finishing a story this long is almost as rewarding as writing a story this long...
A very rewarding read, I could not have found a better way to spend my morning! I'll look forward to seeing you in the next Short Story competition
~
rbie
Oh, and come prepared - it's more than 55 pages in Word (probably a similar length to your masterpiece here, but it's the longest story I've ever written)
.
49-50-630-43875914
Now, to delve again into Nildi's enchanting tale...
Page 9, post 2
"A couple of times, they caught sight of guards and were forced to wait or take a different turn, but eventually they reached the smithy on the eastern side of town and peeked out at the harbor area."
The comma between times and they is unnecessary. Also, it says a lot that this is the first time I've had to make a comment
----
I notice that when you begin a part describing someone other that the main characters you almost always begin with a new character's name.
There is nothing wrong with this, it works quite well, I was just wondering if you did it on purpose?
----
Page 10, post 9--> "a stark and black shadow against the night sky."
Would you be able to see a black shadow against the night sky? Oh, and personally I think a comma would work better than 'and' in that situation
----
"incanting at the tops of their voices."
That's not a word, so of course I love it! This story is absolutely intoxicating...
Ah...
Finishing a story this long is almost as rewarding as writing a story this long...
A very rewarding read, I could not have found a better way to spend my morning! I'll look forward to seeing you in the next Short Story competition
~
rbie
Lorehound
through and through.
08-Jun-2007 15:59:08 - Last edited on 08-Jun-2007 17:01:57 by Orbestro
