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"The Warrior's purpose."

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Ghondor
Oct Member 2023

Ghondor

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There we go. Reserved a few more than I needed, but better to have too much than not enough, I suppose.

Feel free to post here one you get done reading (It's funny because no one on this forum will ever read the whole thing!!!!). I'm sure there's a bunch of typos, but I'll catch those later.

Let me know how great you think it is, and Jagex, I am always available to take large amounts of payment to write official runescape lore. (My dreams of Ray Sipe becoming a canonical Runescape God SHALL BE REALIZED!!!!!)

02-Apr-2013 16:29:00 - Last edited on 02-Apr-2013 17:19:29 by Ghondor

The Level

The Level

Posts: 8,999 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
I actually brought that up a while ago. The off-topic forum was hit just as bad as we were. There was a time when there'd be upwards of 15+ active users at a time. Of course that was like 2005 so it can't be completely blamed on the forum reshuffle. But still, it doesn't help.

05-Apr-2013 20:00:36

Azigarath

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Well, I noticed that you had typed a story, so I read it and decided to offer feedback as I go. My feedback will start with direct passages form your story with my comments underneath.

Your opening is a tad bit arrogant, sometimes it drives readers away rather than catch them. You know, calling the audience ''you kids'' usually doesn't work well. Not that I have a problem with it, obviously, but I figured I'd say that anyways. I do not consider a story under fifty posts as long.

The first four paragraphs begin with the word ''battle'', which isn't bad, but the same thing should never be done more than twice. If I forget you are describing a battle, (and describing it very well in terms of the fallen) it's my fault.

''every body'' should be ''everybody'', but the former still works on its own.

''But they had heard the cry often enough to know it as a battle cry; a verbal warning that the ranks pushing into them would redouble their efforts as the task-masters at their hinds turned their own blades on their brethren to motivate an increased push forward.''
A battle cry is not really a verbal warning, it's more of a rallying shout or encouraging cry prior to fighting, something that all armies of all nations have done. Two opposing armies would do such a thing at the same time, and there is not much advantage to force swords into the rear of those in front of you. I do understand the purpose you have made, but such action would cause chaos.

During a charge, men are shoulder-to-shoulder and torso-to-torso; there is no room to encourage anyone and so point your sword into a friend's back would probably wound or kill him upon the initial clash when bodies mash into one another. You would need your sword at hand rather than in a friendly's back. It is even worse if the front lines retreat; now you have friendlies running backwards and screening the rest of their army with the opposing force rushing forth from behind them.

05-Apr-2013 22:21:52

Azigarath

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
I am ignorant to God Wars, though, I've never been good at RS or anything the newer lore says, so if there is something I cannot notice feel free to correct me.

''He and the men on his line instantly fell to their knees, placing their short swords and maces to the side in order to make use of their lengthy, sharpened spears.''
To the side of what? You mean, place their sidearms on the ground to their sides. However, it'd be more worthwhile to sheath their swords, or place their maces into a frog (a loop of leather hung from a belt, with which the shaft of a weapon is inserted to hang from).

Pikes being ''outwardly pointing'' is somewhat more formal than ''out-pointed'', but they both work for me.

Although I very much like the depictions of what goes on, you do not yet actually describe the fighting of the pikemen and the demons. One flaw the pikemen have is that they kneel, which is great for the archers (though bowstrings do not make cracking sounds), but considering the height of the demons, they'd be able to walk over the spearheads, stomp on the shafts, grab the shafts, and then push forth, especially if the pikemen are just one-man deep. Couldn’t the demons have had gone around the pike wall?

Another thing, you do not mention the equipment of the soldiers very much, other than they carry pikes and short weapons and bows. Since I am ignorant of the God Wars, it'd be nice to have a bit more clarification of armour and what kind, and the rank of the soldiers. Of course I am not saying I must know every individual, but you can mention something like:

05-Apr-2013 22:22:12 - Last edited on 05-Apr-2013 22:25:32 by Azigarath

Azigarath

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
''Most of the archers and the soldiers of the front line were poorer soldiers, mostly armoured in gambesons, cuir bouilli, coat-of-plates, brigandines or Almain Rivets, but some wore hauberks or shirts of scale armour, and a few of the wealthier sort wore partial suits of plate armour. They wore a variety of helms, such as the morion, bascinet, kettle hat, cabasset, casquetal, burgonet, and sallet; alas, the very poorest wore helmets of basketwork reinforced with scales, and seldom wore armour other than a shirt.''

In this case, this would give me a rough idea of appearance, though you do mention in the opening that the story is narrated from the present about the past, so there would be a lack of specifics.

Ah, the demonic soldiers wear red armour, but what kind of armour?

You overuse ''Once,'', I would understand the narration effect by this time.

The soldiers go home, but where is this village? There is a lack of key descriptions. Generally, after a battle, soldiers would return to their camp in case of a counter-attack.

''Torva sat in his home, sharpening his sword for the second time that day.''
Sharpening a blade too often weakens the edge.

Hunh, the demonic army wants to destroy a village? They'd do better sending small parties of skirmishers to harass the village and its occupants during the night, especially since it does not look like it has a wall or fortifications.

''He told me if I crafted it into weapons, it would cut through armor and flesh of the demons like nothing.”''
Iron weapons really aren't capable of cutting through armour. It is too soft. There is no mention of quenching.

Ah, Torva wears plate armour or some lorication.

''and those with blessed weapons sent their own glares flying across the assembled demons,''
Couldn't they also just wriggled their wrists and send their beams flying all over the place thus killing many more? Also, at this time, it'd be good to use the archers, but the archers are not present I suppose.

05-Apr-2013 22:22:50 - Last edited on 05-Apr-2013 22:26:32 by Azigarath

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