That is more than I could have expected. I thank you for your kind comment.
23-Jul-2011 03:11:48
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Echoes of the Gods
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Thank you for your work.
I can't wait for more.
I can't wait for more.
23-Jul-2011 03:15:18
I'm currently working on Chapter One.
23-Jul-2011 03:27:37
Whoop whoop!
I am currently working on something myself!
I am currently working on something myself!
23-Jul-2011 03:28:40
Heart-wrenching stuff, Chuk -- well done. I don't remember that scene being in the original.
A few things, naturally...
"Only a few moments later they were free from the bedlam, and Aletayr looked up to his mothers face; he found her wiping tears from her eyes."
~~~
mother's*
"Even is young mind understood that it wanted to avoid anything that made his mother cry."
~~~
his*
"Thank Domi," the father sighed
~~~
I get what you're trying to do with this, but at first, it I couldn't quite tell if he was actually meant to be Aletayr's father, or a priest working at the infirmary.
Speaking of which.
I seriously have no idea how "hospitals" worked in the mediaeval era, but I think you've made yours too modern. The very concept of medicine would have been pretty foreign to them, and to have triage rooms and everything... It just doesn't quite gel with the era, in my mind.
Most of the healing I've read about in fantasy is done in temples by priests, using divine favour to heal people, which obviously isn't what you're going for here, so I'm not sure what to suggest. The Houses of the Healing in Minas Tirith come to mind as probably the best thing I can think of as a more realistic scenario, which is probably something you could work with. Incidentally, I still really dislike the use of the word doctor; "healer", especially given the context it would have then versus the context it has now seems to me a better bet.
Thinking on it, it's not necessarily that you have specific situations that are out of place, but the words you use and their connotations really make it feel wrong. Even things like reading and marking her page; books in the mediaeval era were damned expensive, "hospitals" wouldn't have had them, and it's hardly like she brought it with her. Marking her page just makes it feel even more modern.
It is, relatively, a minor quibble, but it's still something that bears fixing, I think.
A few things, naturally...
"Only a few moments later they were free from the bedlam, and Aletayr looked up to his mothers face; he found her wiping tears from her eyes."
~~~
mother's*
"Even is young mind understood that it wanted to avoid anything that made his mother cry."
~~~
his*
"Thank Domi," the father sighed
~~~
I get what you're trying to do with this, but at first, it I couldn't quite tell if he was actually meant to be Aletayr's father, or a priest working at the infirmary.
Speaking of which.
I seriously have no idea how "hospitals" worked in the mediaeval era, but I think you've made yours too modern. The very concept of medicine would have been pretty foreign to them, and to have triage rooms and everything... It just doesn't quite gel with the era, in my mind.
Most of the healing I've read about in fantasy is done in temples by priests, using divine favour to heal people, which obviously isn't what you're going for here, so I'm not sure what to suggest. The Houses of the Healing in Minas Tirith come to mind as probably the best thing I can think of as a more realistic scenario, which is probably something you could work with. Incidentally, I still really dislike the use of the word doctor; "healer", especially given the context it would have then versus the context it has now seems to me a better bet.
Thinking on it, it's not necessarily that you have specific situations that are out of place, but the words you use and their connotations really make it feel wrong. Even things like reading and marking her page; books in the mediaeval era were damned expensive, "hospitals" wouldn't have had them, and it's hardly like she brought it with her. Marking her page just makes it feel even more modern.
It is, relatively, a minor quibble, but it's still something that bears fixing, I think.
23-Jul-2011 11:04:15
Oh how I missed constructive conversations...
23-Jul-2011 15:53:14
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