"He clinked his glass grabbing everyone's attention and broke it with the fork."
Why did he break the glass?
Very informative story so far. I skimmed through this last week and then did so again. We go through royalty issues, the professor, and back to the royalty, characters, and so on. I would suggest spacing apart the paragraphs, it makes everything much easier to read. Mass bricks of text isn't easy to go through and get confusing at times.
Mechanics were good, there weren't any typos or serious issues, but a few times you use wrong tense (usually with were/was). I feel you may consider thinking about storytelling and scene-building, as your style has a bit too much emphasis on telling the reader things that happened rather than showing what happens.
Instead of, "They did this, they did that, Zamorak is evil, Daemonheim is there, her family consist of only mages, the professor met the queen and said yes, the army of rangers protects Gielinor, the professor is working hard, they did this, they did that" you can portray the adventure, step by step, and what happens, and the action, to create a world and plotline. Show the adventure, show what happens, rather than telling what happened. You may have already had plans to do so, of course.
22-Feb-2015 03:13:51