RuneScape Forum Archive | The Really Rich Noob

[#C3FW206YM]

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NO THREAD ADVERTISING

Hello. This is my second noob story, with a bit more sophisticated humor.

The first thread for this story started: 10-Nov-2006 16:39:53

And ended in January 2008.

Here it is in all of its glory!

NO THREAD ADVERTISING

NO SPAMMING

NO FLAMING

24-Mar-2008 15:06:49 - Last edited on 01-Jun-2008 16:13:06 by [#C3FW206YM]

[#C3FW206YM]

Posts: 14,572 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Chapter 1

*We join Richy in real life as he counts his money*

Richy: Let's see here, I could either count all these quadrillions of dollars myself, or hire a servant to count it for me. Well, I was going to try out this game called Runescape so I guess I can hire a servant. Servant! Get over here and count all my money for me!

*The servant immediately gets to work on stuffing most of the money in his pockets*

Richy: Oh butler! Bring me my solid gold computer! That's a good chap! Here, have some stock in oil.

*Richy logs onto Runescape*

*Richy appears in Lumbridge*

Richy: Hey look, a castle! I better find out it's net worth so I can buy it insanely low. Hmm.... it looks pretty weak... Hey you! Kick this wall here please.

Strong Bob: Uh...I don't have any motivation

Richy: Let's see, I'll pay you 100 million dollars.

Strong Bob: ...you're kidding right...

Richy: If I'm kidding, will you kick this wall?

Strong Bob: Since this could be my only role in this whole story, I might as well.

Richy: Yeah yeah whatever. Just knock on this wall!

*Strong Bob throws a noob who's saying "Phr33 st00f pl0x!"*

*The cardboard exterier of the castle collapses*

Duke of Lumbridge: No! My dream home is ruined!

Dogreshuun Goblins: Yay! Surface world domination!

Richy: Thanks you idiotic fool!

*Richy walks away while Strong Bob goes to work for Disney*

Richy: Hey look, a chef! Let's see what kind of delicacies I can buy from him!

End Chapter 1

24-Mar-2008 15:06:57 - Last edited on 03-Apr-2008 05:07:38 by [#C3FW206YM]

[#C3FW206YM]

Posts: 14,572 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Chapter 2

Richy: I would like to order a fried mushroom stuffed with the highest quality roasted caviar you can supply.

Chef: ... How about some bread?

Richy: What's bread; some kind of super secret sauce for my mushroom?

Chef: Bread is…Bread is…hmmm. I’ve never thought about it before.

Richy: Well while you think about it, I think I will "entertain" myself through the usage of verbal abuse of the "leet" variety.

Chef: Oh no! Anything but that!

Richy: I d0n’7 533 h0w 4ny0n3 c0u1d 83 in5u173d by 7hi5…

Chef: (Where’s my extra sharp steak knife! I’m going to slay myself and hope Saradomin will spare me and let me live in heaven!) Aha! Found you!

*Stab*

Chef: Am I in heaven?

Richy: 1ik3 7h3y’d 3v3r 4cc3p7 y0u 7h3r3.

Chef: Curse you Saradomin! From now on I’ll worship Zamorak!

Zamorak: Yay! By the rules of torture: I must now laugh in your face and fry you like an egg in the Al Karid desert!

*Foom!*

Zamorak: *sigh* I could do this all day. In fact, I think I will! Muhahahahahahaha! Thank you Andrew for creating eternal rebirth in Lumbridge!

Richy: Well, that was handled nicely; thank you virtual incarnation of father.

Zamorak: … I would slay you, but then I wouldn’t be able to continue burning my new toy…

Chef:… Why couldn’t I have been a janitor like my brother?

Zamorak: You mean Jim? He was my toy last week. He turned into element six too many times. Now he’s in a lava tube in Karajama Volcano.

Richy: Hmmm… maybe if I follow this path to "Draynor" I will find some caviar.

END CHAPTER 2

24-Mar-2008 15:06:58 - Last edited on 03-Apr-2008 05:09:33 by [#C3FW206YM]

[#C3FW206YM]

Posts: 14,572 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

CHAPTER 3

Richy: Goodness! The limousines take forever to pick people up!

Ralph: There aren't any buses in runescape.

Richy: Oh yeah, and I guess you're gonna tell me there aren't any ATM machines either.

Ralph: *Sigh* I wish I had more money.

Richy: You mean you dont even have thirty-seven thousand dollars!

Ralph: *sniffle* Stop rubbing it in. *sob*

*Sandwich Lady comes to Ralph*

Sandwich Lady: Hello random nooby player! How would you like to eat a baguette?

Ralph: Eat it? I can't even pronounce it!

Sandwich Lady in a hushed tone: It's disguised as a chocolate bar. *wink wink*

Ralph: Chocolate!

Sandwich Lady: That wasn't yours to take! For being so gullible, I hereby teleother you to The Abyss.

Ralph: But thats members only!

Sandwich Lady: CURSE YOU RESTRICTIONS OF JAGEX AND YOUR WINGLESS FLYING MACHINES!!

Jagex Mod: Everywhere I go, this Richy causes the Npcs to use caps lock! I can't even enjoy a good Mai Tai without some little (censored) ruining my day!

Richy: Those limousines are taking too long dont tell me I'm going to have to walk! I haven't walked since I got off that stupid island!

Jagex Mod: Don't make me delete your account!

Mod Andrew: And don't make me erase yours, Jagex Mod. Oops! Too late. Ha!

Sandwich Lady: Is Shilo Village members only?

Ralph: Yup, why not send me to level 50 wilderness? That sounds friendly.

Sandwich Lady: (This is too easy) Alright!

*Sandwich Lady smacks Level Three's head*

Baguette: Beep!

Richy: Thats it! I'm walking to Draynor!

END CHAPTER 3

24-Mar-2008 15:06:58 - Last edited on 03-Apr-2008 05:11:06 by [#C3FW206YM]

[#C3FW206YM]

Posts: 14,572 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Chapter 4

Richy: Sheesh! If I see ever see more Jagex personal, I’m going to complain about these bumpy roads!

Wizard: Curses! We’ll never find Zanaris at this rate!

Richy: What’s a “Zanaris”?

Warrior: Zanaris is a lost city of gold!

Richy: Sounds like my kind of place! It must be very hard to lose a city.

Archer: What? No! We did*’t lose it!

*Meanwhile, at the Runescape lost and found…*

Monk: …and it’s big, golden, and has a “Welcome to Zanaris” sign on it.

Community Service Teen: Yeah, well, we did*’t, like, lose it y’know! So, like, if you lost it, you should find it!

Monk: Excuse me! That’s very disrespectful!

Community Service Teen: Yeah, hold on Sarah, there’s a bald middle aged loser here who probably lost his Television remote again. So yeah, love you! No, you hang up first! *giggle* No, you hang up first! *giggle*

*Six hours later*

Community Service Teen: No, you hang up first! *giggle* No, you hang up first!

Monk: OH MY GOD!

Saradomin: You called?

Saradomin’s cell ph<cen>one: No, you hang up first!

Saradomin: Oh my gosh! It’s Community Service Teen! I have like so totally looked for those boots and I like, cannot find them! Where did you snag them?

Community Service Teen: Well, first you go to the mall, the one with those fuzzy cup holders, then you waltz by that hair stylist, and you're at the CUTEST little shoe store in like the world!

Saradomin: Like thanks!

Monk: …Can I just die right now?

*Without the slightest hesitation, Saradomin activates his/her/potato's Vaporizer2000 accessory on the cell ph<censored>one, now available for only a thousand easy payments of $99.95. It's a bargain!*

*Back in the woods...*

Richy: Well I’ll find Zanaris myself! Right after I head for Draynor! I simply must get my caviar!

End Chapter 4

24-Mar-2008 15:06:59 - Last edited on 03-Apr-2008 05:14:26 by [#C3FW206YM]

[#C3FW206YM]

Posts: 14,572 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Chapter 5

*Richy just arrived in Draynor*

Richy: A bank guard! Hey friend, before you can guard my bank you will need at least an Ak-47.

Bank Guard: (Noobs these days) I am not guarding your bank. I am guarding the first national bank of Draynor.

Richy: And I should care, why?

Bank Guard: You should care because Im a hefty level forty-six combat!

Richy: Yawn! Dude, you should try to become more like that guy-

*Richy points to the Wise Old Man*

Richy: -he has a CROWN!

Bank Guard: Do you want to see the incriminating evidence of a bank robbery or not?!

Richy: Do you have my favorite brand of movie seeing beverages and snacks?

Bank guard: No

Richy: Humph! This movie better be worth it!

*Richy watches the movie and sees the Wise Old Man rob the bank*

Richy: Cool! Hes my kind of folk!

Bank Guard: But he's mean! He stole my lifes savings!

Richy: Which was like, what? Three gold?

Bank Guard: No! It was two...

Richy: Bwahahaha! See you later, peasant!

*Richy enters the Wise Old Mans house*

Richy: Greetings Master Bank Robber.

Wise Old Man: Hee hee! Im so rich!

Richy: Hey! Listen to me!

*Jingle jingle*

Wise Old Man: I love the sound of spare change!

Richy: AHEM!

Wise Old Man: Yes?

Richy: I am giving you a proposition: if you can answer my question correctly, I will be your personal slave forever, but if you get it wrong, you will teach me the art of bank robbing.

Wise Old Man: Ha! I know everything!

Richy: What is two plus two?

Wise Old Man: Four.

Richy: Ha, ha! Wait a minute...

End Chapter 5

24-Mar-2008 15:07:06 - Last edited on 24-Mar-2008 15:31:56 by [#C3FW206YM]

[#C3FW206YM]

Posts: 14,572 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Chapter 6

Wise Old Man: To start out, we need money.

Richy: I know how to make money! We go steal some old geezer's life savings, right?

Wise Old Man: Yes, but in order to be less conspicuous, we will chop yew trees.

Richy: But my woodcutting is low…

Wise Old Man: Don't worry! Haven't you ever wondered where all those macroers came from?

Richy: Uh… Texas?

Wise Old Man: No! Those level three macoers on all free worlds are mine!

Runescape Secret Service Officer: Hey Mack! I'm thinking of a number between ninety-eight and one hundred, what is it?

Wise Old Man: Erm… ninety-nine?

Runescape Secret Service Officer: I love it when they figure out their imprisionment time like that!

Wise Old Man: You'll never catch me alive!

*Wise Old Man attempts to wobble away on his cane*

Wise Old Man: (Huff puff!) You'll (Huff puff!) never (Gasp! Cough!) Aaak!

*Three hours later*

Priest: We are gathered around here today to witness the burial of a man who robbed a bank, killed innocent civilians, and kidnapped my brother. Who wants to egg his corpse first?

Miss Schism: Ha! Take that Mr. I'll-steal-everything-everyone-else-owns!

Bank Guard: I'm using rotten eggs for irony.

Richy: Well, I got the blue crown anyway.

Jagex Mod: That item belongs to a fake profile we made up for a fake movie hand it over!

Richy: Tch! Why would I want a stupid paper crown anyway?

Jagex Mod: Because it would make you rich beyond your wildest dreams?

Richy: Been there, done that.

Level Three: I hear there's a new update about caviar in Varrock!

Richy: I shall act on this misinformed fool's bad advice and head for Varrock!

End Chapter 6

24-Mar-2008 15:07:07 - Last edited on 24-Mar-2008 15:32:31 by [#C3FW206YM]

[#C3FW206YM]

Posts: 14,572 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Chapter 7

Richy: Excuse me sir, but how can I reach my way to Varrock?

Yew Tree: …

Richy: Now see here, I have lots of money, so I will have no choice but to spend it if you don’t cooperate!

Yew Tree: Dude, I’m a tree. Trees can't talk, so can you leave me alone already!

Richy: Wait, you said trees can't talk, then how can you be talking?

Yew Tree: Just because I’m an Ent doesn’t mean I don't have feelings!

Level Three: Whoopee! I just bought a bronze axe for only 37k! I so totally ripped that shop off!

Yew tree: Ah! No! A bronze axe is my only weakness! Stay away from me!

Level Three: Chop Chop time!

*Horrendous screams are heard from even as far away as Camelot, and keep in mind, this is a non-member server*

Level Three: *Pant* *gasp* Did I kill it?

Richy: No, but you beheaded a tulip…

Ent: You killed my husband!!

Richy: You mean this flower?

*Richy starts chewing on the decapitated tulip*

Ent: Arrrgh! Prepare to die!!!

*Ent transforms into a Sandwich Lady*

Sandwich Lady: Feel the wrath of my corn puff barrage!

Level Three: Corn puffs aren’t dangerous.

Sandwich Lady: Yeah, but if you eat ten million of them, YOU COULD DIE!!!

*Sandwich Lady starts shoving corn puffs down the Level Three’s throat*

Level Three: Augh! *gulp* I hate *gulp* corn puffs *swallow*

Richy: Thanks for the entertainment, but I think I’ll be on my way.

End Chapter 7

24-Mar-2008 15:07:07 - Last edited on 24-Mar-2008 15:33:02 by [#C3FW206YM]

[#C3FW206YM]

Posts: 14,572 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Chapter 8

Richy: Will someone help me find Varrock?

Goblin: Ooga!

Richy: Excuse me?

Goblin: Raah!

*The goblin jabs Richy with his spear, not even scratching his skin*

Richy: Are you done yet?

Goblin: Meat!

Richy: This acupuncture is taking too long!

*Richy clobbers the Goblin with his Wooden Sheild*

Richy: At least this thing’s worth something…

Cow: Moo!

Richy: What did you call me?

Cow: Moo!

Richy: Nobody calls Richy Mc Richerthanyou a Moo!

*Richy runs up to the cow and gets hit by a blade of grass in the wind*

Richy: Ow!

*Richy dies*

Richy: That cow must be using some sort of mind control to send me back here!

Joe: Ha ha! Watching overconfident newbies get owned by cows never gets old!

Richy: I wasn’t owned by that cow! He controlled my mind to wander back here!

Joe: If I teleother you to Varrock, will you leave me alone?

Richy: Sure.

*Joe teleothers Richy to Falador*

Richy: Hmm… Varrock must be at war so they changed the name of their city! How clever!

End Chapter 8

24-Mar-2008 15:07:07 - Last edited on 03-Apr-2008 05:05:36 by [#C3FW206YM]

[#C3FW206YM]

Posts: 14,572 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Chapter 9

Richy: My! Varrock is certainly clean these days.

Lurer: This is Falador not Varrock.

Richy: That shows what you know.

Lurer: I’m having a drop party just inside the Wilderness Ditch. You wanna come?

Richy: Why not? It's not like I’ll be mercilessly killed for my pixilated money, right?

Lurer: Err…Yeah.

Curse: I’ll come too!

*The threesome trot over to the Wilderness Ditch*

Lurer: Okay guys. Ignore the pop-up screen and jump over!

Richy: I don’t read fine print on contracts, so reading a pop-up screen makes no difference!

Curse: …

*Lurer drops 10 thousand gold on the ground in level four wilderness as several people around Curse and Richy’s level come and wait*

Lurer: Come and get it!

*Curse telegrabs the loot*

Lurer: Noooooo! The money I bought for fifty dollars is gone! Waaah!

Curse: Ha ha! Luring noob!

Richy: Hey! I wanted that money!

Curse: Fine, you can keep three coins okay?

Richy: Hurrah! Joke's on you! I would’ve accepted two!

Curse: …what makes you think I care?

Richy: I can't remember where Varrock is. Can you take me there?

Curse: It'll cost you 500,000 gold.

Richy: Deal!

End Chapter 9

24-Mar-2008 15:07:08 - Last edited on 24-Mar-2008 15:38:44 by [#C3FW206YM]

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