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~*Illuminating Shadows*~

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Orbestro
Nov Member 2023

Orbestro

Posts: 14,122 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
>>>Characters – 37/40
Development: 19/20
-Stunning in depth and complexity.
Interaction: 18/20
-Disappointingly plot-driven. For example - the meeting of the King with the three Senators was *almost* completley pointless, but added a large element to the plot.
>>>Description – 28/30
Character: 15/15
Setting: 14/15
-I could not envision the second gladiator fight scene, where they lead them into three separate - what? They couldn't be in three separate, smaller arenas because it would be night impossible for the crowd to see everyone at once.
>>>Style - 17/20
-Engaging, but it reminds me an unfortunate amount of Tolkien - don't take that as a compliment, either. You need to make your own way as a writer.
>>>Plot - 31/35
Pace: 10/10
-Perfect. I was hooked completley.
Content: 21/25
-Big points taken off for the unoriginality of Rome - err, Varrock. Also your exceedingly random language. It seems overkill, especially since all of your characters speak modern English.
>>>Mechanics - 22/25
Grammar/Spelling: 9/10
-I only give a perfect score here if I find zero mistakes, sorry.
Sentence Structure/Variety: 13/15
-Some seem to be unnecessarily complex, another trait you may have taken from Tolkien
Your Overall Grade: 135/150, or 90%
~ O_o rbie
Lorehound
through and through.

25-Jul-2008 02:33:30 - Last edited on 25-Jul-2008 02:34:28 by Orbestro

Orbestro
Nov Member 2023

Orbestro

Posts: 14,122 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Notes:
The only relation your Varrock shares with our own is its name, as I’m sure you know. I perceive this as a flaw in your story – a great advantage of writing in these Forums is that your readers will already be familiar with many of the places that a story might take place in. You decide to reject this and make Varrock into your own little Rome, inadvertently alienating the reader. Now, your Rome is beautiful and well developed, but abandoning RuneScape in everything but name leaves you no wiggle room in description.
For the most part, you do marvelously. But there were several instances in which my vision of the scene was exceedingly vague.
Corrections:
>Prologue
“One's homeland is one of the most important things in their life.”
At the basic level, there is here a conflict of tense – ‘one’ is singular and ‘their’ is plural. But, however, I cannot think of a way you could start this sentence if you stuck to plural. So, you may want to convert the entire paragraphs and use ‘one’ instead of the vague plural ‘their’.
“Blinded by rage, he felt no pain from the wounds, felt no pain when the flat of a blade smashed into the side of his head; he felt no pain as he fell to the ground, unconscious.”
The second comma should be a semicolon, and the ‘he’ after the last semicolon should be removed.
>Chapter Two
“The dwarf was significantly more fond of battle than was the mage, but he respected, and recognized, Lacerus's dislike of pointless bloodshed, something no one else had done.”
There isn’t much action involved in the displaying of emotions; consider replacing ‘done’ with ‘shown’ or ‘displayed’.
>Chapter Three
“Truly was his will destroyed, for in his culture dishonour was a fate far worse than death, a stigma that he would pass onto his child, and them onto theirs.”
More tense troubles. ‘Child’ is singular, yet just one word later you refer to his children in the plural, with ‘them’.
Lorehound
through and through.

25-Jul-2008 02:34:57

Orbestro
Nov Member 2023

Orbestro

Posts: 14,122 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
“The following day, following a vigorous dunking in the nearby snowdrifts to clear hangovers…”
Word repetition is undesirable, and easily avoided here; consider changing the first ‘following’ to ‘next’.
“…after Eiðr had arrived back at the town he was no longer aloud any contact with his son…”
‘Aloud’ should be ‘Allowed’.
“For and hour they fought in that training gym, training harsher than any he had experienced in recent years.”
Typo.
>Chapter Four
“The most unpredictable by far, the members of this group would not cower as would those gripped be fear nor would they throw themselves into battle, but rather make incredibly risky moves, moves potentially destructive to both sides.”
I’m not convinced. It’s just as risky to throw yourself into battle – and if they don’t care, it seems they’re most likely to engage only when threatened, making them not particularly dangerous at all.
>Chapter Eight
“Captured in one of Varrock’s most preliminary of attacks, they had now been prisoners for a year and had fought in almost a dozen fights.”
This makes no impression whatsoever, as you have never told us the frequency of the fights.
*************
That's the end of it!
I'll be honest - you're almost beyond me, in terms of my ability to review you. This is one the best story I've ever read in the Forums. Well done!
~ O_o rbie
Lorehound
through and through.

25-Jul-2008 02:35:24

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