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[#PCMMMHAN6]

[#PCMMMHAN6]

Posts: 10,079 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Mechanics(40)/-I only noticed ten, which were mainly comma mistakes.
You spelled "dishonor" "dishonour". There is no "u".
-----Chapter 3 Paragraph 6-----
The other Fremenniks laughed at this, and only after seeing the look of absolute conviction remain unwavering on his face did they realize that he honestly felt that his words were the truth.
Remove the second "that" so it's "That he honestly felt his words were the truth.
-----Chapter 4 Paragraph 2-----
His destination was the training gym; his interest in the man Roghr had described had become too great over the past few days--->>,<<--- and he felt a need to see him in action before the fight.
Add the comma as pointed.
-----Chapter 4 Paragraph 4-----
He passed through the gates of the gym unhindered, for though he was not a common site there, most of the complex's guards knew him, or at least of him.
Change this so it's like this.
He passed through the gates of the gym unhindered. For though he was not commonly seen there, most of the complex's guards knew him, or at least knew of him.
It was a long run on sentence, and you would change site to seen because a site is usually refered to as a place or building.
-----Chapter 4 Paragraph 5-----
Soon the furious pace of the battle slackened, and after a few more minutes of slower fighting the combatants finally stepped away from each other, eyeing each other warily.
This is worded a bit strangly. I suggest you take out the "finally" and change the last part of the sentence because the two "each other's" are to close, so it sounds a bit strange.
Soon the furious pace of the battle slackened, and after a few more minutes of slower fighting--->,<---the combatants stepped away from each other.
-----Chapter 4 Conversation-----
"Perhaps," Lacerus said. Privately he noted that he would also need time to "warm up to" the massive barbarian.
Change said to replied.
Continues on the next post.

19-Apr-2008 18:15:19 - Last edited on 19-Apr-2008 19:56:14 by [#PCMMMHAN6]

[#PCMMMHAN6]

[#PCMMMHAN6]

Posts: 10,079 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Still, to trust this… barbarian, and to have the Fremennik trust him; it was going to be one of the greatest challenges of his life. Still, what was life without a challenge or two?
Space the word "barbarian" back once so it's "Still, to trust this...barbarian etc etc.
-----Chapter 5 Paragraph 8-----
The line of gladiators was then split into three smaller sections by a man wearing extravagantly decorated robes and wielding a small, obsidian rod. Halldór found himself at the head of the third group and, soon enough, was standing directly before the King of Varrock, one of the most powerful men upon Gielinor.
The comma after and is placed wrong. It should be "Halldór found himself at the head of the third group, and soon enough, was standing directly before the King of Varrock, --->who was<--- one of the most powerful men upon Gielinor.
Add "who was" as pointed out.
-----Chapter 5 Paragraph 10-----
Then were the first two of each line selected to do battle first--->,<---and the rest led away to small platforms off to the side that would lower them to the rooms in which they would wait to do battle.

Add the comma as pointed out.
-----Chapter 6 Paragraph 4-----
The city was surrounded by a high wall, at least ten feet thick in all places, and covered almost completely in marble, with magnificent sculptures decorating the towers rising from the walls every fifty meters--->.<---A great moat ran around the outside of the walls, a diversion of the river Lum.
Add the period as pointed out.

So for grammar, 31/40.

Description(40)/-Your description was almost perfectly placed. One thing that I suggest you do though is describe what your main character looks like and describe that battle at the very beggining.
38/40.
Writing Style(25)/-You had very long and complex sentences, but some of them seemed a bit strange and run-ons. 18/25.
Continues on the next post.

19-Apr-2008 18:15:28 - Last edited on 19-Apr-2008 19:40:00 by [#PCMMMHAN6]

[#PCMMMHAN6]

[#PCMMMHAN6]

Posts: 10,079 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Characters(20)/-The character's emotions were sometimes hidden away, if you get what I'm saying. Your main character's personality could have shown better, so you should practice on that.
He also (enless I miss read it) wasn't described in his appearance. I highly suggest that you add that in your story.
16/20.

Plot(60)/-Your plot is very good, but not very original. "Gladiator" is a movie with a very similar plot. The main charachter is a general of an army who is later captured as a prisoner and is forced to fight in a coliseum. But other then that, well done Poller. The flow was good, which help your grade go up alot.
52/60.

Word-Choice(15)/-15/15. This was, and I mean it, truly amazing. Great word choiced made the story have that extra "pazaz" and was obviously your strongest point.

19-Apr-2008 19:29:40 - Last edited on 19-Apr-2008 19:40:33 by [#PCMMMHAN6]

Zfire0100

Zfire0100

Posts: 5,837 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
I'm surprised he actually took the time to point out yur mistakes O_o
I'm scared now... Oh btw, bookmarked for later use.
(o(v<X>v)o) Wielder Of The Soul Eater: Anirbas (o(v<X>v)o)
(/)•÷±‡±|ð|ð| The Thirteen Personalities Of A Word Smith in the Ye Old Story Guild |ð|ð|±‡±÷•(\)

19-Apr-2008 20:01:40

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