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Logan Shafts
Dec Member 2023

Logan Shafts

Posts: 3,211 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Legionnaire:
Don't be disheartened, you've improved a lot. I still have some bad habbits which impair my writing. Learning is a neverending process.
Yrolg, one of the better writers on the forums, suggested a book to me which helped me a lot. I would give you a link but that breaks forum rules, so instead just google "The Elements of Style" - it should be the second link in the list.
It's an old book (but not out of date) that covers simple grammar and common errors, and was extremely helpful to me.
I hope to see you keep writing, and as always feel free to share your work with us here (even if I'm not around).

08-Mar-2011 05:46:23

Logan Shafts
Dec Member 2023

Logan Shafts

Posts: 3,211 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Bob Giligand:
I've tried to write stories from dreams before, and I understand what you mean. Often times it is easy for the dreamer to comprehend something in a dream which would otherwise make no sense. The problem is that those emotional undertones which help you understand things in the dream can't very easily be transfered into words.
For instance, I wasn't even aware from your story that the attackers were vikings. I may have missed it or forgotten it, but either way it obviously wasn't as clear as you'd have liked.
As always feel free to share your work with us here. And please keep me informed if you rewrite or revise your story! ^^

08-Mar-2011 05:50:03

Esperanza
Oct Member 2019

Esperanza

Posts: 193 Iron Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Hi, thanks everybody! I'm actually rather surprised I won lol
Thank you Logan for the review! I can totally see what you mean bout the grammar, hopefully I've improved sense then, hehe.
Goodluck with your move!! :D
†Hawky†

08-Mar-2011 23:57:09

Legionnaire

Legionnaire

Posts: 20,901 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Logan, thanks for the message. I won't stop writing and I be sure to take a look at the at book. Once I get the grammar issues solved my stories would be a lot better. Then all I have to do is focus on description which is easy :P Time4Rants RIP Never Forget! 2010-2013, In Memory of Old Timer: ""I'm a doctor, not a spiritual medium!" RIP ;(
Shy Lego 2010-2011 RIP
,
Lego x LD= Forbidden Love. Legita=Forbidden Love

09-Mar-2011 01:22:16

Logan Shafts
Dec Member 2023

Logan Shafts

Posts: 3,211 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Hawky:
Perhaps you mean "since then"...Haha! =D
Legionnaire:
Description may not be as easy as you think, but yes grammar should be your focus for the moment. Remember, absolutely nobody has perfect grammar. It's something you have to keep on top of, and the main thing is to remember to review your own stories before posting them. A spell-checking program wouldn't hurt either, to weed out the little things.
Bob Giligand:
Your story could just be set on another world where vikings and africans are at war...Remember, the only limit to your writing is your imagination.

21-Mar-2011 17:01:08

[#3WR3NGEL8]

[#3WR3NGEL8]

Posts: 1,412 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Hey, Logan Shafts. I found the story I made as a project during my youth. I changed a few errors, but other than that, it's almost exactly the same as it should be.
=-=-=
=+*One*+=
In the end, humanity harnessed the power of the gods, utilizing it to create their most fatal mistake: the toadstool weapons. Of course, the intellectual and farsighted people of those times, scientists, as One had called them, predicted the outcome of the Third World War-whatever that was-and so they meticulously chose two hundred people of all ages in a long mission to preserve humanity. These chosen ones, each named after a number, were sent into a land of forests and abundance surrounded by mountains of science that repelled the so-called ‘radiation,’ the deadly, residual energy of the toadstool weapons roaming the world.
Generations passed swiftly like the rapids of a treacherous river, leaving behind the original two hundred inhabitants, except for One, and many others dying toothless in bed. Children were born, never the same in many ways, much less in their numbers. The Elders, suckling babes compared to One, ruled the settlement with a benevolent hand, struggling to maintain the society’s wholeness.
The village, Numeros, once a worn-out collection of petty nipa huts and hardworking residents, finally prospered. The six hundred citizens of that era declared that it was no longer a thriving village. Numeros was now a city, with sturdy brick houses and cemented ground, enclosed by soaring white-marble walls that shone brightly in the day and shimmered breathtakingly in the evening. As a sign of respect and thanksgiving to their efficient and trustworthy leaders, a hundred men volunteered as the city’s guards. The people also constructed an opulent, domed and circular building, a basilica as One described, where the Elders would live and organize the prosperity of Numeros.
One was a stranger among them, a symbol of previous ages that were almost forgotten. The maiden and only

26-Mar-2011 06:21:42 - Last edited on 26-Mar-2011 06:37:57 by [#3WR3NGEL8]

[#3WR3NGEL8]

[#3WR3NGEL8]

Posts: 1,412 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Continuation:

healer of the community, with long, lustrous honey brown hair, was avoided by all, even by men, despite all her beauty that bordered on physical perfection. They did their best not to get sick, fearing her penetrating and peculiar pale, pale blue eyes with violet flecks to gaze directly at theirs.
Her neighbors surreptitiously observed from their windows when she stood on her house’s porch, her eyes without focus as they stared at the moon as if she were reliving her past. Then, after a few minutes, they would flinch when she turned her gaze to them. So, she knew from the very start that they were peeking. There was something about her, which made them evade her and at the same time clandestinely study her from afar. Maybe it was her eyes, the way she looked on others without betraying any hint of emotion, except for the frightful current of intelligence and scrutiny riveted in those blue, violet-flecked eyes.
One, it seemed, stood on one leg in this realm and the other in another.
After four hundred years of living with them in wary peace, the lovely maiden became the center of attention. The incident occurred during the annual hunting event. As the great hunters chased a deer, carrying with them their heavy spears, they witnessed One, sitting straight atop a horse, crossing the only mountain pass that led to the deadly lands beyond. The Elders did not believe at first, until they checked her house. Her handsome white stallion was gone, and so were her clothes.
The citizens assumed that she was dead. After all, those who ventured outside the mountains of science for an hour and returned died after a few hours. To their surprise, the healer walked into Numeros five days later, her shoulders square and head held high, wearing a simple dress, black and sleeveless, as her dresses always were. The woman looked perfectly fine and healthy, as always, and, unlike those who had returned, no burns marred her flawless skin. A few people, having mustered

26-Mar-2011 06:23:16 - Last edited on 26-Mar-2011 06:24:46 by [#3WR3NGEL8]

[#3WR3NGEL8]

[#3WR3NGEL8]

Posts: 1,412 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Continuation:

enough courage, asked her where she’d go and lied how the entire city was worried.
One replied in that disturbing, impassive, silken voice of hers. “I simply checked the outside world and see if it is safe for you to live there. It is not. Do not go beyond those machines, or you will surely perish.*
The rumors of her unexpected arrival and unscathed condition stoked the fires of curiosity. They knew not her past, or her previous identities. For many months, people speculated over the healer’s apparent powers-the straight, curvaceous figure that had seen many a proud oak tree wither of ruinous old age, and the immunity against even the power of the gods. They wondered when One came into possession of such gift and how. Ultimately, the Elders were compelled to approach her in order to stop the alleged chitchat that had affected the community’s productivity. It was a matter of curiosity, really. They requested her to tell them stories related to the world’s past and hers, too. She agreed expressionlessly to do as they say on the first day of spring.
The eager residents built a small, wooden platform in the midst of their glorious city and placed a rather ornate chair in the center three days before the event. On that fateful day, all of the inhabitants of Numeros were early by an hour, and One was late by several minutes. As she shuffled on the chair, trying to make herself comfortable, silence fell on the whispering crowd. One watched the mob lean forward, expecting her to start.
“I am One,” the woman began, “and I have seen man’s greatness and triviality throughout the ages. I was born in the ancient times, an epoch long before the Third World War, in the Middle Bronze Age, where war and conquest afflicted my homeland, Greece. I was named as Hebe, and was sold to a royal family as a mere slave. I served them for countless years as a cupbearer, and even helped them against the Dorians, until we were finally subjugated by the Romans. Ever since that

26-Mar-2011 06:25:42 - Last edited on 29-Mar-2011 06:16:23 by [#3WR3NGEL8]

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