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The Western Jade

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TimberWolf I
Nov Member 2023

TimberWolf I

Posts: 6,692 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Bracing ourselves, we stepped forward into the light; the teleportation magic working its way through our bodies as we rapidly dematerialized. A blinding flash illuminated my field of vision before the familiar sight of my chapel altar came into view. It was a shrine dedicated to the fearsome visage of Bob the Cat, a fierce feline friend that I had come across several times in my travels across Gielinor. Dusting myself off and helping Ling to her feet off the grassy floor, I surveyed the house for any sign of the suspicious package.

"Do you see anything?" Ling asked, looking around in awe at the small garden we were currently in. A pair of magnificent looking trees, their leaves shimmering with a magical aura, were lined up against the dark brick walls of the house's exterior walls. A number of other tropical plants graced our presence while the purplish glow of the exit portal provided the perfect backdrop to accentuate their large, shiny leaves.

A small walk away gave rise to another garden, this one of more temperate climates. An impressive ornamental fountain was the centerpiece of a garden surrounded by a unique collage of contrasting styles. The towering yet, sophisticated blue fencing, partially hidden by impressively tall hedging, complemented the small, showy flowers that dotted the small landscape.

"Nothing here in the garden, though that's not too surprising." I replied walking alongside Ling. "I specifically told Pete to leave any packages in my workshop." She stopped and stooped down to pick up a small yellow daffodil. She carefully tucked the petite flower above one of her ears before turning to me timidly.

"Do you think look suits me?"

"...Stunning."

-continued below!

29-Sep-2014 10:13:53

TimberWolf I
Nov Member 2023

TimberWolf I

Posts: 6,692 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
"Why thank you Thallus. You can close your mouth now though, you might choke on a fly." She giggled and slapped me on the arm before hooking it with her own. The warmth of her touch was enough to send a shiver down my spine. "So where's this workshop of yours? All I see are beautiful flowers, majestic trees, and lots of doors." It was true. The entrance portal to my home led directly to a garden courtyard, covered on all sides by walls of soot-black brick, inspired by the dwarven architects of Keldagrim. All of the wooden double doors that led to the interior of my home were currently closed, save for the one that led to the chapel of Bob the Cat.

"Right this way m'lady." I said, bowing curtly to Ling as I escorted her back to the entrance portal. Entering the doorway directly to the east of the chapel, we came upon the interior of my workshop. I didn't think it was anything special. A standard work bench here, an armor repair stand there. Ling seemed to be impressed, however, gaping at the multitude of tools hanging on the walls.

"This is your own personal workshop?" she asked, examining a fine-toothed saw. "You could build many things in here with all of this equipment!"

"It's nothing much honestly," I laughed. "I come in here once in a while to repair my armor on the stand. That's about it."

Ling did not seem convinced. "You said you built this-," she extended her arms in an exaggerated motion. "-All of this by yourself?"

"Well yes, but the dwarves in Keldagrim taught me well." I shrugged, remembering my time spent in the dwarven city fondly.

"Ah don't be so modest Thallus. Even though the dwarves guided you, it was you who built this place." She put away the saw and grabbed a hold of my hands. "It was these two hands that did it. It's okay to take pride in personal accomplishments, especially an accomplishment such as this magnificent home you've constructed for yourself."

-continued below!

29-Sep-2014 10:14:23

TimberWolf I
Nov Member 2023

TimberWolf I

Posts: 6,692 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Heat crept up my cheeks, forcing me to turn away from her piercing gaze. "It is rather cozy, I'll admit."

Thankfully Ling let go of my hands, stepping back and smirking. "Cozy you say? Like that gilded 4-poster bed you have in the other room over there?" She pointed a thumb to the posh bed that governed the bedroom adjacent to the workshop, giving a knowing smile that stirred something primal in me; an animal waiting to be pounce on its prey.

"Heh. I might have gone overboard with that, but I had some extra gold leaves laying around," I said, scratching my head sheepishly. "It's convenient though. If you take a left out of my bedroom, you'll come into one of my studies. Always handy in case I need to read myself to sleep."

"That does seem pretty convenient. Maybe later tonight we can-oh?" Ling looked down and noticed a black flipper tapping against her skintight leather leggings. "What is this?" I immediately recognized my feathered, cold-loving friend.

"Oh hey Charlie, what are you doing out of the menagerie?"

Ling looked at the creature curiously, giving it a light pet on the head. "What kind of bird is a "Charlie" Thallus?"

"Charlie is just his name," I chuckled. "He's a penguin. They're flightless birds that usually live in colder climates, though he seems to have adapted quite nicely to the volcanic habitat I've set up in my menagerie."

" As long as that pet feeder keeps givin me free grub, I'll live anywhere bro. "

"That thing was pretty dusty last I checked, Charlie. Maybe I'll have Aloriss clean it up next time he comes in."

Ling swiveled her head back and forth, looking between me and Charlie. "Who are you talking to Thallus?" Ah, right. I made another mental reminder to myself that Ling was not well versed in the ways of magic.

- continued below!

29-Sep-2014 10:15:10

TimberWolf I
Nov Member 2023

TimberWolf I

Posts: 6,692 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
"I'm talking to Charlie," I said, watching as Ling's eyes widened in surprise. "We can communicate since I have a pretty good grasp of the art of Summoning." Before she could offer a question, I quickly added, "It's magic stuff, Ling. I'll tell you more about it later."

"Ah...okay. I'll hold you to that." She nodded, smiling at me before turning her attention back to Charlie. "Nice to meet you Charlie, my name is Ling."

" Nice to meet you sweetcheeks. You've got nice hair! " I laughed as Ling scrunched up her face, enduring the squawking sounds that Charlie was no doubt assaulting her ears with.

" Say Thallus is this your mate? How many eggs are you guys planning to have? "

I glared at the small penguin, causing it to squawk in delight. Evidently, this also caught the attention of Ling, who was wondering why Charlie had stopped croaking at her.

"What were you two talking about?"

"Nothing, nothing. I was just telling him about a funny story when I was adventuring up north near Trollheim."

"Oh I see. I would like to hear that story sometime as well."

" Pillow talk is a key component of any healthy relationship Thallus! " croaked Charlie with utter delight. Mental note number three of the day was to cut his fish rations from the pet feeder.

"...Anyways. Say Charlie have you seen a package around here that was delivered earlier?"

" Yeah. There's a small box sitting in the corner over there. "

Sure enough, a small, nondescript wooden box was situated behind the banner making stand of my workshop. I picked it up and examined it carefully. It wasn't that large, perhaps the size of a large tome.

"Well here it is. I wonder what's inside?"

"Only one way to find out," said Ling moving to stand beside me, her sight trained on the box like an archer on his target.

-continued below!

29-Sep-2014 10:16:33

TimberWolf I
Nov Member 2023

TimberWolf I

Posts: 6,692 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
"Well I'm heading back to the pet house. Don't do anything crazy you lovebirds!" Charlie cackled before waddling off and disappearing past the bedroom. I grumbled slightly, but Ling's tapping of my shoulder returned my attention to the matter at hand. Before anything could be done, however, the box suddenly began to shake, rumbling as if a scared animal were trying to break free from its box trap. I instinctively flung the box out the doorway where it landed on the soft grass of the garden and ceased to tremble. Ling and I looked each other with alarmed faces, but we didn't have time to articulate our thoughts as the box hummed before enlarging to a size rivaling that of the large exit portal. It rocked back and forth for a few seconds before the contents of the crate exploded in a brilliant flash of light, forcing Ling and I to take cover behind the workbench as debris and shrapnel fell around us like deadly rain. Once the dust had settled, I checked to make sure that Ling was alright before carefully sneaking out to take a look at what exactly had just happened.

Nothing could've prepared us for the sight we were about to witness.

-END CHAPTER

Well that's the end of Chapter 2! As always thanks for reading and feel free to leave any comments, reviews, or constructive criticism! :)

29-Sep-2014 10:17:21 - Last edited on 29-Sep-2014 10:17:39 by TimberWolf I

Azigarath

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
I began reading this about a week ago, but did*’t have the time to finish it.

The two heroes are walking. Some talk about magic a while later.

*Don't worry, Ogre pee is odorless. I wouldn't drink any of it though.”
Uh, why would you do that in the first place? o.0

“Halt there you two! Are you friend or foe?”
I killed that guy in-game for just that question.

Ah, a mysterious, inconspicuous crate! *shutters*

“the teleportation magic working its way through our bodies as we rapidly dematerialized.”
If your body dematerializes, that means you die. :/

“This is your own personal workshop?” she asked, examining a fine-toothed saw. “You could build many things in here with all of this equipment!”
If you’re in someone else’s house, and they have a workshop in their house, chances are it’s their workshop. Yes, you can build many things with equipment. Thank-you, assassin.

Chapter 2 ends with an exploding crate.

The story features good mechanics, everything is all right in the regard. Spelling, syntax, sentence structure, and so on are all good.

Dialogue and character behaviour was quite off most of the time. Dialogue reads like what you’d see in a Dickens novel, which has some impact on how the reader can relate to the characters. As such, characters feel more like faceless robots than actual people.

For example, Ling is an assassin, meaning she kills people for a living, and she behaves like a small girl, and loves touching you (by “you” I mean the narrator) and anything she sees while commenting about everything she likes (this is an exaggeration of course). I’m not sure if she is supposed to be treated seriously or not, though. Then again, her childish behaviour does mask her potential dark side, so maybe she is hiding it. Assassins have to conceal their motives after all.

10-Oct-2014 21:24:35

Azigarath

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Another point I’ll make is that the story feels like passive drama. Here comes the heroes, they walk around, comment about various things, go to your house, comment about more things, and then a crate pops in and explodes. One way to make the story more exciting is to provide more action that is consistent while emphasizing on descriptive happenings rather than random commentary.

A clichéd way of doing this would be to have Ling deal with bullies, for example, where the reader could be shown her character. A better way would be to provide something that feels like a real threat, such as the ogres, brigands, waylayers, or worse, a free company.

The nice thing the story has is an East Asian character, something quite rare here.

You also can exhibit scenery well, able to easily build a setting with content. Unfortunately, I feel you are not utilising all the content, something you could do very well I’m sure. For example, you could have elaborated interaction of the ogres, guards, wizards, maybe townsfolk, and so on to give life to the story.

You may also consider some interaction between not only your protagonists and their environment, but also amongst the other minor characters/factions, such as guards interacting with ogres, or townsfolk with wizards, or ogres with bandits, and so on, offering tension and choices your protagonists would have to experience.

Ling already interacts with pets, like the penguin, so I feel you should consider diversifying that interaction while including minor characters/villains/monsters/factions/etc. Of course, you don’t have to if you don’* want to. The best thing to do is to do whatever you want to.

I think that’s all for now. If you have any questions, comments, corrections or criticism, feel free to go for it, I never drop a subject.

10-Oct-2014 21:24:44

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