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Earth Poet

Earth Poet

Posts: 1,490 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
I realize that you said English is your third language. Vrnirt is difficult to pronounce in English, and it looks odd.

"All inhabitants of the city were sleeping, but one figure could be seen moving in the shadows."

Who could see it? I thought everybody was asleep? Instead of speaking passively, try something like this: One figure moved silently through the shadows while the city slept.

"The stranger was extremely agile, one could not possibly have heard him, unless one had the ears of a bat."

First, there is a comma splice in this sentence. Either a period or semicolon should replace the comma between 'agile' and 'one', or ‘and’ should come after the comma. Second, is there a way you can better describe this without breaking narrative to explicitly tell the reader what you want them to think? Instead of saying, "one could not possibly have heard him," think of an action the stranger could do to demonstrate this skill.

"His head was clothed in a black hood that provided shadowing most of his face..."

You either need to add a preposition, or change your verb to make this sentence correct. Either: His head was clothed in a black hood that SHADOWED most of his face. Or: His head was clothed in a black hood that provided SHADOW (OVER/ON/ACROSS/etc.) most of his face.

"The elf's tight black shirt rippled in the wind softly..."

Try to keep your modifiers closer to the word they modify. Your adverb is modifying the prepositional phrase instead of the verb in this case. It should say: The elf's tight black shirt rippled softly in the wind... Or: ...softly rippled in the wind.

"His boots were made of soft leather, the boots were not loosened at all, they were in fact quite..."

Two comma splices are contained in this sentence. It's also awkward and redundant. Try something like: His boots were made of soft leather, firmly wrapped around his feet.

"...both were obviously of high quality..."

Obviously? How would it be obvious to your reader?
(continue)

25-Jan-2011 16:38:58 - Last edited on 25-Jan-2011 16:41:05 by Earth Poet

Earth Poet

Earth Poet

Posts: 1,490 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
(continued)

"...and were imprinted of a royal coat of arms."

This phrase is awkward and passive. It could say: ...and were imprinted WITH a royal coat-of-arms. Or the whole sentence could be reworded to say: Two high-quality hunting knives hung from his bottom belt. A royal coat-of-arms was imprinted on each knife.

"The companions of the young guard heard a cry of agony, recognizing..."

A comma splice is in this sentence.

"A shadow moving rapidly down the street caught their attention, it was not long..."

Another comma splice.

"Soon they arrive..."

Incorrect verb tense used.

"...and stepped inside revealing drunk men..."

There should be a comma placed between "inside" and "revealing".

"The fat man frowned and these questions..."

Probably a typo, but it should say "...AT these questions..."


I'm not trying to pick your story apart, but you asked for your critique to be specific. You've also created the first page of credentials and reviews, so I assume this should be at a high level. Perhaps my greatest (and harshest) criticism is directed towards the fact that you are still bumping an unfinished fragment of a story that you posted a year ago, and have made absolutely zero effort to continue writing since the day you posted it. Not only is that in bad taste, but it contradicts your self-quote on the first post. It is very difficult to expect others to read your story when you have clearly abandoned it yourself.

25-Jan-2011 16:39:23

Reaper Ben

Reaper Ben

Posts: 7,517 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
=D

And I agree with you and thank you! I have this great default of trying to write stories and giving up, I wrote this story about three years ago, and only added about four paragraphs to it. Personally I enjoyed writing this story, because I considered it to be a new beginning in my writing. But school came, and the time to write was stripped away from me. I never had much talent at writing, it's much more of a hobby for me than something intend to make a living of.

As for my reason to bump this unfinished, half-good piece of literature, no matter how lame it is; I created it. You might notice I don't really bump it that often, it's just a reminder for me that if I chose to, I could pick up writing again.

Overall, thanks for correcting the mistakes I've made; I don't have the time currently to correct them because I am in between classes. But know that I do appreciate them. =) But I will still keep bumping this thread, until I either grow tired of it, or quit Runescape.

26-Jan-2011 16:33:10

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