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Konan the Noob

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Teddy570
May Member 2022

Teddy570

Posts: 1,649 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Chapter 3: Dueler? I hardly know her!

Teddy570: And so after many many months, our hero, hungry for a proper challenge, approached the arena with fire in his heart.

Konan: Oh gods, my heart, it's on fire!

Teddy570: Yet, quite disappointed was he to find the arena practically deserted, save for a few spectators.

Konan: Good day sir, how are the fights today?

Spectator: Fights, sir? I think you're confused.

Konan: How so?

Spectator: Well, this is the specator's section, to participate, you must spectate.

Konan: Spectatipate?

Teddy570: Geshundeit.

Konan: Now see here-

Spectator: Can do.

Konan: Look upon my armor, my sword, my shield...do I strike you as a spectator?

Spectator: I'd rather you not strike me at all, sir.

Teddy570: Could have fooled me.

Konan: See here!

Spectator: Can do.

Konan: I came to the arena to test my might against the bravest gladiators in the land, not to sit on the sidelines like some kind of bump on a log.

Teddy570: The writers here at the Konan the Noob show would like to apologize to any bumps currently reading this.

Konan: We have readers?

Goblin: We have writers?

Teddy570: Oh no, now see here-

Spectator: Can do.

Teddy570: I will not have another one of these chapters devolve into senseless nonsense.

Goblin: Isn't that a contradiction?

Teddy570: You're a contradiction!

Goblin: How...DARE you!

(At this point the narration was replaced by the sounds of a rather raucous fistfight. Konan took the opportunity to resume the plot. Go figure)

Konan: So if I cannot have an opponent, then you sir will have to suffice.

Spectator: I'll have to what?

Konan: Suffice, you know, like make due.

Spectator: I don't have to do that right now.

Teddy570: PG rating, Gentlemen!

Goblin: That's more like kindergarten humor, honestly.

Teddy570: Now see here!

Spectator: Can do.

Konan: I thought you didn't have to.

Spectator: Well not right now.

(tbc)

20-Nov-2015 04:09:13

Teddy570
May Member 2022

Teddy570

Posts: 1,649 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Teddy570: That's quite enough out of all of you! All I wanted was for Konan to step into the arena and to face a challenger, is that too much to ask?

Spectator: Clearly.

Teddy570: Quiet you!

Goblin: You can't talk to him like that!

Teddy570: Oh yeah, what are you going to do about it?

(Another raucous fistfight, intertwined for some reason with cows mooing)

Spectator: Are they always like this?

Konan: Well, not on weekends. Then they're Waaaaaay worse.

Goblin: With an expired haddock!

Teddy570: I'd like to see you try!

Spectator: This is clearly going nowhere...let me see that script....

(Sound of pages shuffling)

Spectator: Oh no! It is lord crushicus, the gladiator!

Lord Crushicus: Yes Konan, I have stolen your bride to be, and you must face me in the arena!

Konan: I think you skipped too far ahead.

Spectator: That's the first mention of an arena in this thing. Wait, how many kalphites? Hooo boy, you are gonna hate chapter 12.

Teddy570: Give me that! What is Crushicus doing here? We haven't even met Edwina yet.

Edwina: Yeah!

Teddy570: Okay, let's start this from the top, we're going to chapter 4. Suddenly, Konan's bout was interrupted by the sound of a voice crying out in despair.

A voice: In despair!

Teddy570: Not like that!

A voice: be more specific!

Teddy570: You know, distressed!

A voice: How dare you sir, I am not that kind of actressed.

Teddy570: Not dis-dressed, distressed!

Konan: I don't think you're using that properly...

Teddy570: Quiet you.

Konan: Hey, see here

Spectator: Can do.

Konan: I'm the star, and I will not be treated this way.

Teddy570: Suddenly Konan was struck repeatedly by lightning.

Lightning: Take that! and that! And one of these!

Teddy570: He then remembered who the narrator was as he went to help the feeble sounding cry for help.

20-Nov-2015 04:16:37

Teddy570
May Member 2022

Teddy570

Posts: 1,649 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Chapter 4- Much Ado About Something

Teddy570: And so, our Daring, Dashing hero-

Voice: He better be dashing, I'm being robbed over here!

Teddy570: Arrived upon a rather startling scene.

Scene: Ooga booga booga!

Teddy570: But, realizing that there were more pressing matters at hand, he quickly pushed past, endeavoring to assist the voice.

Voice: Thank goodness, robbing this broad is gonna take some effort.

Voice: Hey! He's here to help me, you uncouth swine!

Voice: Hey, I'm plenty couth. See here? I got this cape.

Voice: That's not what couth means!

Voice: Well what does it mean then?

Voice: You know, now that you ask, it occurs to me I've never looked it up.

Voice: Well now I gotta know.

Konan: Hurry, trusty steed! We must help that feminine sounding voice!

Goblin: Oof... You know, some would object to being treated in this manner.

Konan: A hero cannot be without his steed, it would be like chicken without marbles! And besides, you're the only other character at this point.

Teddy570: What about me?

Goblin: You're really more of a narrator, honestly.

Teddy570: Well that's not fair, I'd say I've had a pretty tangible presence thus far.

Konan: Presents? I want presents!

Teddy570: What do I look like, Santa Clause?

Konan: And a new shield, and a new sword, and a dolly, and a leg of lamb, and-

Goblin: What was that middle one?

Konan: A new sword?

Teddy570: Why must we always be sidetracked?

Goblin: Oh I don't know, maybe it's because of the burly oaf treating the Shakespearean actor like a pack mule!

Teddy570: Who in Guthix' name is Shakespeare?

Goblin: It's an acting technique. See this spear? I shake it.

Teddy570: Does that help?

Konan: And a subscription to quest rewards quarterly, and a new bow and arrow... YOW! Someone poked me with a spear!

Goblin: Better than you'd think, honestly.

27-Nov-2015 03:43:47

Teddy570
May Member 2022

Teddy570

Posts: 1,649 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Damsel: Ah, here it is. "Couth: Cultured, Refined, and Well-Mannered."

Highwayman: Ooooh, that's what that means. Here I thought it meant owning a cape.

Damsel: Why would it ever mean that?

Hman: Well, you know...

Damsel: At any rate, where were we?

Hman: Let me think, hands up, give me the money, why don't you go get a dictionary... Oh yeah! Hands up!

Damsel: Eeek! Somebody save me!

Konan: Have no fear, m'lady! I have arrived on the scene!

Scene: Ooga Booga Booga!

Konan: This makes a far better mount, I'd say.

Goblin: Blow it out your nose!

Konan: Now, foul villain, unhand the innocent girl!

Hman: But I'm not touching her.

Konan: Oh...Could you grab her for me?

Hman: Oh, sure, no problem.

Damsel: Hey! Watch the nails!

Konan: Thanks, mate. Unhand the innocent girl!

Hman: That seems cruel, don' it?

Konan: What do you mean?

Hman: I was just going to take her purse, I don't need the hand.

Konan: No, I mean, let go.

Hman: But you told me to grab her.

Konan: Well unhand her!

Hman: But she ain't done nothing to deserve that!

Konan: Sure she has!

Damsel: I have?

Konan: You have.

Hman: Look, pal, I'm just here for the gold. You want to unhand her, you do it.

Teddy570: I think the proper usage would be "De-hand"

Hman: Who said that?

Konan: I thought I lost you!

Teddy570: You can never lose me!

Hman: I think you're losing your mind is what's happening here.

Teddy570: And so, Konan struck a mighty blow, felling the thief in one fell swoop!

Hman: Help! I fell in a swoop!

Damsel: Oh, my hero! How can I ever repay you?

Konan: Oh, it's no problem m'lady. All in a days work for us hero types.

Damsel: Well, at least let me make you a meal-I've been told my cooking is unlicious.

Konan: Well, what's the worst thing that could happen?

Next time: Chapter 5- The Worst thing that Could Happen.

27-Nov-2015 03:53:21

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