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Feel the Silence

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Crystal Smee

Crystal Smee

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He quickly left the room and forced himself to think about something else. He was unable to find food after a long search, much to his dismay. When he exited the compound with an empty stomach, the soldiers were reforming in the town square. He quickly jogged over to them, and upon spotting Gavin, asked what was going on. “They figure the party went south, toward the beaches.” Gavin jerked his thumb toward the road, which led south to the peninsula and a long stretch of beach. “We were headed there anyway. They want to get there before nightfall, so we’re heading out.”

Lucas nodded wearily. More walking, then. With no food. His heart sank. Well, once they reached the beaches…They’d probably have to fight. His heart sank further.

Gavin clapped him on the shoulder. “Cheer up, kid. We’re almost there.”

Lucas smiled weakly. “Almost,” he agreed.

It was almost an hour before they could leave. They had stabilized the town and the remaining people, with a promise that they’d send runners to Falador for aid. There were more injured to tend to, and then they gathered all the supplies that could be spared. Once the wagons were loaded, the horn blew, and off they went once more.

29-Jun-2008 21:35:27 - Last edited on 06-Jul-2013 18:21:59 by Crystal Smee

Chuk

Chuk

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"Homes were hollowed out shells were roofs had caved in and walls had collapsed."
- Slight typo: 'where' not 'were', methinks.
Also, you use the phrase "He could only watch..." twice fairly close together -- towards the end of the second story post, and near the beginning of the third. It felt repetitive and annoying while reading it.
"He had gotten himself into this mess, now he had to follow through."
- I think a semi-colon would work better instead of the comma.
"What had he got himself into?"
- 'Gotten', I think, works better than 'got'. This is one word that still confuses me. Ask Genzen or someone else very knowledgeable about grammar if you want to be sure.
"Saving lives, rather than taking them, it was a much better aspect of this life."
- You could do two things here; either make the second comma a semi-colon or erase the 'it'. Otherwise, it's technically a comma splice.

Okay, no more specific stuff that I noticed. I liked this part. Action *is* good (so are the connecting plot developments -- so far you've balanced the two quite nicely), and it wasn't another battle, which is even better. I really liked how you got the emotion across when Lucas overheard the wounded guard telling the Captain about the attack, and then when he realized he had to check for his letter from Justine. Excellent work, as always.

01-Jul-2008 00:08:21 - Last edited on 01-Jul-2008 00:26:45 by Chuk

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