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Crystal Smee

Crystal Smee

Posts: 7,994 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Ok y'all, I'm back, and I was going to write enough to add tonight but then they were filming a movie in my town and I had to go see the movie set, and Adam Sandler/Andy Samberg/Leighton Meester were all there, and I saw all of them and got my picture with her, and I had to creep, and that kind of took up my evening.
IT WAS SO FREAKING COOL. A PARAMOUNT STUDIOS MOVIE SET. YEAH.
So...yeah. I wrote some yesterday, I promise I will write more tomorrow and try to post it ASAP.

22-Jun-2011 04:38:10

Crystal Smee

Crystal Smee

Posts: 7,994 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Chapter VII
The storm hit during the following night. They were hauled from their beds by a piercing horn and the sound of screams up above. They raced up the ladders to the main deck to be assaulted by the storm. Rain pelted their faces and the wind howled. The ship tossed and turned restlessly on the cresting waves, then plunged dangerously into the troughs. Waves broke over the sides, and water sloshed around their ankles.
Now Lucas hauled on the steering wheel, his fingers slipping against those of Derrick and Rohan, trying to control the direction of the ship. They had been given a bearing and now studied the compass, trying to stay on track. The three men could not even control the ship. Gear slipped over the sides. Men struggled to control the sails, some of which had come loose from their tyings and flapped in the wind. Lucas was soaked to the skin and shivering violently. They hauled on the wheel, but it resisted them, threatening to drive them further into an ocean they did not know and could not navigate.
“Leave off, boys,” Jonah barked, emerging from the night and staggering across the tilting deck.
Lucas looked up, struck by the slurring of Jonah’s words. Was the commander drunk? “Are you sure?” he asked timidly.
“No questions!” He shoved them roughly aside. Lucas slipped and rolled down the deck.
“Jonah!” Sorokin climbed up onto the deck. His long hair was plastered to his forehead, over his eyes, and Lucas wondered oddly from his vantage point on the ground how he could see. Sorokin tossed his head and stared Jonah down. “Get below.”
“I’ll steer this damn boat.”
“Back off, commander. You’re in no condition—“
Jonah released the wheel, stepping back in a gesture of defiant obedience. The wheel whirled backwards, causing the ship to turn sharply. Caught by a wave, it tipped precariously close to the water. Derrick lost his footing and tumbled past Lucas.

25-Jun-2011 02:28:32

Crystal Smee

Crystal Smee

Posts: 7,994 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Lucas rocked to his knees and dove after his friend, tumbling over the ladder and crashing to the lower deck. The rain was blinding. All he saw was a blur of colors. He groped across the deck, unseeing. Clammy, wet skin sliding through his fingertips – he had him – then, gone. He flung himself further, wriggling like a fish out of water. Coughing the ocean out of his bruised lungs, he screamed, heard nothing over the roar of the thunder. A gush of water pouring over him, icy cold. Suddenly he found himself pressed up against the railing and the ship rolled upright again. He scrubbed his eyes, which stung with salt.
“Derrick?” he called hoarsely.
No answer.
He rose, looking over the edge in horror. His stomach sunk, then felt weightless as the ship dropped again. He emptied the contents of his stomach over the railing, not far from where Derrick flailed in the churning water. He tried vainly to focus his eyes on the writhing figure.
“Sorokin! Someone help!” He spat the acid from his lips. Derrick wasn’t far, but getting further away quickly. His fingers pressed the cross around his neck and prayed for the courage to jump, to rescue his friend, but his legs remained frozen.
He yelled again; his voice was the only part of him that seemed to work.
The healer arrived at his side and saw quickly. He cursed loudly. “He’s too far, man.”
No, that was impossible. Lucas forced his sluggish legs to move and tried to pull himself onto the railing. “I should,”
Sorokin told him to stop, grabbed Lucas arms and hauled him down. “You’re not a hero, man. Don’t try, you can’t do this.”
“No!* Lucas bellowed. He searched for a rope, anything to throw out to catch Derrick. But the body had disappeared beneath the waves.
“Get the hell away!” Sorokin hurled him back to the ground. “Jonah’s got a deathwish tonight. Don’t make it easier for him. Help me save this goddamn boat and get back to work.”

25-Jun-2011 02:29:20

Crystal Smee

Crystal Smee

Posts: 7,994 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Lucas turned and realized almost none of the men were working. They watched this scene with shock, horror, despair at the loss of a friend. Now they saw his humiliation, his failure and scolding from Sorokin. Lucas crawled away on hands and knees, a baby who did*’t trust his legs to carry his weight yet. The water washed over him.
He collapsed, drawing his knees to his chest, the sob tearing through his body. His howl was lost to the thunder.

Jonah watched the boy crumbled from his position at the wheel. The wood slipped through his fingers. He tightened his grip, bringing the ship around. Jonah laughed, steering comfortably now. His drunk eyes wandered loosely across the debris and bodies of his men.
He should’ve brought the bottle up on deck with him. It was a comfort, having it in his hand. He wanted a sip right now. He feared he was sobering up, just as he needed the numbness more than ever.
It was sad to see Derrick go, but he did*’t care all that much, right now. It was the poor dumb *******’s fault for trusting him, really. He did*’t want to be responsible for other people’s lives any more. And the poor kid, curled up like a child on the deck. Well, that kid just needed to grow the hell up. He wasn’t mean to be a soldier. Jonah could try to help him, help all of them, but they were all just dumb kids with weapons thrust into their hands they did*’t know how to use. The jungle would reveal the real soldiers among them. The battles before, that was sheer luck. The jungle would reveal who had survival instincts.
And most of them would die.
Better not to get attached, then.
Derrick was a necessary loss. Now he’d seen how quickly the environment would snatch his men away, more of a threat then any Kandarin.
“Goodbye kid,” he murmured into the storm. Then louder, “Sorokin!”
“Commander,” his friend said coldly.
Jonah looked at him with surprise.
Sorokin waited silently for his orders.

25-Jun-2011 02:30:26

Crystal Smee

Crystal Smee

Posts: 7,994 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
“We’re almost out. Get Myren and the others back to work.”
“Sir.” Sorokin walked stiffly away toward the fallen boy. Jonah watched Myren stagger upright and wipe his sniveling face. The rain would wash away his tears.
No, better not to get attached. He’d try to keep them alive, but damned if he’d let himself care when he failed. Caring was worthless.

Lucas woke to the taste of salt on his lips. He licked them, but it felt like sand raking his skin. He lifted his head, saw an expanse of wood, and realized he’d been passed out on the deck. His skin was sticky with salt water, his clothes dried stiff. He rose, staggered, his muscles fiery with pain.
Then it came back to him. The storm, the wheel, the water, Derrick’s head appearing for a few seconds in the frothing water.
Oh, right. That happened.
He remembered standing on the railing, willing himself to jump. But he wasn’t brave enough; he was no hero. All he thought he’d gained, what was it worth if he let another friend die? He was useless. No matter how hard he tried, he just kept being useless.
He tried to picture what Justine would say to the situation. He did*’t feel like writing another letter – it wasn’t like she’d answer anyway. She was much more responsive in his mind. She would tell him he wasn’t useless.
Stop pitying yourself, he imagined her saying sharply.
Even the imagination of her voice was enough to bring him back to reality. He was being pathetic. Last night wasn’t totally his fault – what would jumping overboard have really done? He would’ve drowned alongside Derrick. No rope could’ve reached his friend. It was a horrible accident.
He remembered Jonah stepping back from the wheel, hands spread wide in drunken belligerence. Not an accident. The man Derrick had looked up to, idolized, been proud to serve, had killed him. It was Jonah’* fault.

25-Jun-2011 02:31:10

Crystal Smee

Crystal Smee

Posts: 7,994 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
He climbed to his feet. Briefly, the thought of confronting Jonah crossed his mind, but what good would that do. He couldn’t pick a fight with a man like that. He’d never be taken seriously if he yelled at him. There was no point. He couldn’t punish Jonah for this. But he could be careful, he could know that Jonah wasn’t to be trusted, that Derrick had been wrong – horribly wrong – about their illustrious commander. Jonah was just a man, a drunk, who did*’t care about his men as much as any of them had been led to believe.
Looking out at the now-calm sea, he thought to to their destination, to the jungle, to the mission. It looked as though he’d have a lot of healing to do, if things continued as they were. Someone would have to keep an eye on Jonah. He’d be wary. He braced his body against the wind, as if expecting a blow.

25-Jun-2011 02:31:23

Lokintr
Dec Member 2014

Lokintr

Posts: 2,432 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
GAH OMFG THIS IS TOO LONG.
But I've read it all now. :D I must say, I really don't remember much of the old Smeezette, apart from Sot* and how my character got all blow'd up by a fireball in the second one.
From what I do remember though, and while I loved all the old stuff, this is comparatively amazing. I think it possibly helps that this isn't a bio one and you have a limited cast, and can therefore really develop the small amount of main characters that you have. They are highly realistic, especially Jonah (I LOVE him, so much depth), the Prince, and all of the soldiers (despite being relatively minor). I also think Gray is possibly your best antagonist, much more subtle than the Gods or the Necromancer, and not even necessarily "evil". One can imagine that he really wants the best for his daughter, but in the context of the story that is construed as villainy, considering his actions towards the couple. This reminds me a lot of Romeo and Juliet (letters going astray and all that ;D - love this whole theme btw), Gray being so much like Lord Capulet, and I think we're starting to see how conflicted Lucas is becoming, like Romeo between Juliet and his family, between his loyalties to Justine and the war. I loved that he is maturing and has recognised the fact that he is "no longer Lucas Val'Eyra".
Reading it I finally realised who you remind me of - Tamora Pierce. She is absolutely one of my favourite fantasy authors, not necessarily because of the quality of her writing, because some isn't THAT brilliant, but she has amazing plots and all of her characters and her worlds are so realistic. I can imagine this story being real, it reads almost like a film.
I also love that I'll be able to keep up with this now and won't have to read another 205 posts before I know what's happening. Also also love that it feels like there is still so much left to happen. Cannot wait for more!
Love you Smeezette! I'm so glad you're back for good :D

EDIT: 700! Grats!

25-Jun-2011 17:45:09 - Last edited on 25-Jun-2011 17:47:45 by Lokintr

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