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Feel the Silence
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And caught up through half of page 55.
Up until the first three posts of 55, the writing has all been up to your usual standard, but then there were a few things that stuck out at me in the first three story posts of 55. A couple specific things first.
Somewhere, you say "It was cool relief from the burning pain he felt every day at the office."
In my opinion, 'office' neither represents the time period accurately, nor does it fit with the image of the hospital you'd described in preceding posts. Sorta broke me out of the flow of the story.
Also, a few sentences further along 'debriefing' should be 'briefing' as it's before the mission, not after.
Then, for my general criticism: Jonah speaking about the whole Karamja mission seemed a little unrealistic, like it didn't quite fit and something wasn't quite right about it. I dunno exactly what to suggest here, except maybe some sort of research on military tactics or something. :S This is pretty much nitpicking, but I figured I'd mention it.
Lastly, I don't think the emotion at the end of that passage came across as you wanted it to, where Lucas gets sick of the fear and tries to fight it off. It was a little too forced, a little too jumpy. He goes from adventure to being sick of the fear to somehow deciding he can just get rid of it to realizing it doesn't work all in the space of a couple sentences. This doesn't really give me the full effect of what he's feeling as most of your other emotional passages do.
Anyway, as I mentioned, this is all nitpicking. Stuff to work on as you can, but nothing critical. Your writing as a whole is, of course, superb. Keep it up.
Hopefully I'll be getting completely caught up within the next few weeks.
Up until the first three posts of 55, the writing has all been up to your usual standard, but then there were a few things that stuck out at me in the first three story posts of 55. A couple specific things first.
Somewhere, you say "It was cool relief from the burning pain he felt every day at the office."
In my opinion, 'office' neither represents the time period accurately, nor does it fit with the image of the hospital you'd described in preceding posts. Sorta broke me out of the flow of the story.
Also, a few sentences further along 'debriefing' should be 'briefing' as it's before the mission, not after.
Then, for my general criticism: Jonah speaking about the whole Karamja mission seemed a little unrealistic, like it didn't quite fit and something wasn't quite right about it. I dunno exactly what to suggest here, except maybe some sort of research on military tactics or something. :S This is pretty much nitpicking, but I figured I'd mention it.
Lastly, I don't think the emotion at the end of that passage came across as you wanted it to, where Lucas gets sick of the fear and tries to fight it off. It was a little too forced, a little too jumpy. He goes from adventure to being sick of the fear to somehow deciding he can just get rid of it to realizing it doesn't work all in the space of a couple sentences. This doesn't really give me the full effect of what he's feeling as most of your other emotional passages do.
Anyway, as I mentioned, this is all nitpicking. Stuff to work on as you can, but nothing critical. Your writing as a whole is, of course, superb. Keep it up.
Hopefully I'll be getting completely caught up within the next few weeks.
25-Mar-2011 00:17:34 - Last edited on 25-Mar-2011 08:16:53 by Chuk
Thanks for the comments. The office thing...that was supposed to be the mail office, like when he doesn't get letters. I'll rewrite that sentence.
As for the other things, those are things I'll work on. I think I need to research military tactics...I don't really know anything about them, and that was me trying to BS some military strategy. Guess it really doesn't work >_< And the Lucas stuff, I make that mistake a lot I think, trying to make an emotional transition occur too quickly. I'll try to slow them down in the future.
Thanks, these are helpful.
As for the other things, those are things I'll work on. I think I need to research military tactics...I don't really know anything about them, and that was me trying to BS some military strategy. Guess it really doesn't work >_< And the Lucas stuff, I make that mistake a lot I think, trying to make an emotional transition occur too quickly. I'll try to slow them down in the future.
Thanks, these are helpful.
01-Apr-2011 15:26:01 - Last edited on 01-Apr-2011 15:27:28 by Crystal Smee
Sorry guys. School's insane. Life is insane. But good news: my year is almost over! And that means I'll start writing again! Yay!
I know I've been totally MIA this year but seeing as how I want to be done with this story before I'm old and gray and I am determined to finish it, I'm intending to make significant progress on it this summer. I've generally been in a writing slump this past year but this summer I'm going to bust my ass to change that.
Moral of the story...I'm hoping to write a lot. Aaaand, I hope it's good. Few more weeks and I'm free, y'all
I know I've been totally MIA this year but seeing as how I want to be done with this story before I'm old and gray and I am determined to finish it, I'm intending to make significant progress on it this summer. I've generally been in a writing slump this past year but this summer I'm going to bust my ass to change that.
Moral of the story...I'm hoping to write a lot. Aaaand, I hope it's good. Few more weeks and I'm free, y'all
24-May-2011 04:37:57
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