N, I am a bit of a haiku lover, and so I have leapt at the chance to give a little bit of feedback on yours. My thread - The Crocefisso Collection - has many examples of haiku if you're interested.
I am going to repost it here and annotate it line by line.
___________HAIKU DISSECTION & ANALYSIS______________
"Dropping anxiously"
*@* This is a good start. There aren't too many words and you manage to convey emotion in the line at the same time.
"Growing into one sap-p-ling"
~@~I am sorry, you need 7 syllables this line. Hyphonating does not count, it is only valid in the form of 'free haiku', where syllabic restrictions are purposely cast aside. Also, the word 'one' is out of place. A better word to use would be 'a'.
"Turning into oak"
~@~The principle behind haiku is to exude the feeling of 'karumi' - lightness of touch, essentially using delicate words to invoke nature's beauty. This line doesn't sound passive enough, it sounds as if the sapling has suddenly turned into an oak, and lacks karumi, which is fairly well used otherwise.
>>> Extra Feedback:
-All three of your lines start with an -ing verb form. This is generally not advised, it's not gentle, verb use should be limited, though the infinitve, minus the 'to' part, is accepted. E.g. Instead of to eat, eat will do in a haiku.
-'Kireji' is a type of Japanese word which cuts the verse, which is a necessity, more than karumi, of haiku. It cuts the verse into two distinct halves. In English there's no such equivalent, but instead we use ellipses "..." or a hyphon "-", and they work just as well.
-There is no sense of nature, or of beauty, which is essential to haiku.
_______END OF REVIEW___________
Overall, though there's a lot of room for improvement, this haiku was a valid attempt. I am not going to score you, it's not needed
I am going to post one of mine below to illustrate my point.Thank you.
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Under New Year’s moon –
Foxes at Enoki tree
Dance with fiery breath
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18-May-2010 19:16:34
- Last edited on
18-May-2010 19:20:30
by
Crocefisso
