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Quick find code: 49-50-438-56004608
"With a fierce battle cry, Dallion grabbed the goblin’s head and twisted it around and heard a satisfying crack."
17-Apr-2008 03:54:35
Very nice, but as Smurf said, you do better in the beginning rather than the middle or end.
Mechanics were in check, only a few errors.
Voice and emotion was on the line for me. I liked it, but then there would be something that just wouldn't fit quite right, and it would kill it for me.
The plot of the story is great, but it was a little fast-paced. I think you need to slooooow your stories down a tad.
The description was great (as usual
)
-=- One thing that REALLY bugged me was the fact that Dallion and Zoë hadn't really been together much...they were split apart for half of the story. When the massacre at the end was over, she up and planted a smooch on him.
I understand what you meant, and it was great, but it was kinda sudden, ya know? It kinda made me feel like I just walked out of a grocery store and some girl just kissed me out of the blue (I guess that, in a way, that's not too bad
)
Weird huh? That's what I felt like.
I'm having a really hard time presenting you with the rank of Ghost Writer...
Sorry but the rest of it didn't send me careening. I can't get enough of a story when there's a point of dramatic realization, whether that be some type of really twisted betrayal, that gets turned around again by the friends on purpose...or when a character realizes that their fighting on the wrong side etc.
Give me a point of realization and I will love you forever. (Figuratively)
________________________________________________
|±‡±| Thread Administrator in the Ýe Õlde Story Guild |±‡±|
|±‡±‡±| An impossibly complex thinker, deal with it |±‡±‡±|
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Mechanics were in check, only a few errors.
Voice and emotion was on the line for me. I liked it, but then there would be something that just wouldn't fit quite right, and it would kill it for me.
The plot of the story is great, but it was a little fast-paced. I think you need to slooooow your stories down a tad.
The description was great (as usual
)
-=- One thing that REALLY bugged me was the fact that Dallion and Zoë hadn't really been together much...they were split apart for half of the story. When the massacre at the end was over, she up and planted a smooch on him.
I understand what you meant, and it was great, but it was kinda sudden, ya know? It kinda made me feel like I just walked out of a grocery store and some girl just kissed me out of the blue (I guess that, in a way, that's not too bad
)
Weird huh? That's what I felt like.
I'm having a really hard time presenting you with the rank of Ghost Writer...
Sorry but the rest of it didn't send me careening. I can't get enough of a story when there's a point of dramatic realization, whether that be some type of really twisted betrayal, that gets turned around again by the friends on purpose...or when a character realizes that their fighting on the wrong side etc.
Give me a point of realization and I will love you forever. (Figuratively)
________________________________________________
|±‡±| Thread Administrator in the Ýe Õlde Story Guild |±‡±|
|±‡±‡±| An impossibly complex thinker, deal with it |±‡±‡±|
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯
17-Apr-2008 04:03:06 - Last edited on 24-Apr-2008 23:26:38 by Patriotic Br
another nice story! ill be bumping this thread too along with the children of zaros, kep* on making good stories ftw
EDIT: i forgot the bump lmao
EDIT: i forgot the bump lmao
19-Apr-2008 00:59:08 - Last edited on 19-Apr-2008 00:59:32 by Dasplatzchen
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