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Ardhonmeth

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Chuk

Chuk

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LC's review of Ardhonmeth, by Poller 5

Mechanics [33/40]:
This wasn't bad at all, but apparently worse than some other readers have found it, at which I am somewhat surprised.
To start off, there were several typos: more than there should be. I shall list them for you:
"Foretold by them in ages past they knew I was their duty to carry out the last of their responsibilities upon Gielinor."
--There should be an 'it' not an 'I'.
"Seren felt it as soon as Guthix was freed and new the time had come to return to the world."
-- You need the letter 'k' before the 'new' because I'm sure you meant past tense of 'know'.
"A young girl was the least being to live upon Gielinor, and though he understood not the importance of the events she was involved in…"
-- I believe you meant 'she' not 'he' after the word 'though'.
Next, you had a few problems with commas. They were left out after many introductory phrases where they are technically required. The commas are required anytime you use part of a sentence that won't stand on its own at the beginning of the sentence, before the main point. Some examples:
"Of the gods fighting Zaros Guthix was the most powerful…"
-- The comma is needed after 'Zaros'.
"Of the cities of old only Varrock still existed, and it became Zaros's capital."
-- Here the comma is needed after 'old'.
"Ten and one hundred years after the imprisonment of Guthix under the mountain the Elder Dragons awoke to a world much changed from the one they withdrew themselves from."
-- Here the comma is needed after 'mountain'. You can tell this one especially because the introductory phrase uses the word 'after'. Anytime you use 'after' in similar context, you must have the comma.

08-Jan-2008 03:10:24 - Last edited on 08-Jan-2008 03:11:37 by Chuk

Chuk

Chuk

Posts: 14,177 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
"Each day that passed he wondered of it more, for if it held any truth then he had only five years left as the sovereign of Gielinor."
-- Put a comma after 'truth'. This one you can tell the introductory phrase easily, like you can with 'after'. Instead of 'after' here, however, the key words are 'if' and 'then'. Anytime you use that combination, you need a comma for sure.
"In fear Zaros mustered under his banner the largest army seen…"
-- Here the introductory phrase is very short. The comma goes after 'fear'.
"After a fierce battle the foreces of Zaros were utterly destroyed as well as four of the Dragons…"
-- This is an 'after' introduction again. Watch out for these. The comma goes after 'battle'.
These are most of the examples I found. There were a few other introductory phrases, many of them containing 'after' or 'if' and 'then'. I'll let you look for these so you get some practice with them.


Description [36/40]:
Your description wasn't bad at all. In fact, I quite liked it. In this story, it would have ruined its feel, its mood had you delved into the detail too much. You had enough for me to get a general picture and a few of the specifics.
For example, you describe the armies a little bit, telling us how many troops there are and what type of troops to some extent. But you don't describe all the sparkling shields and weapons which, in this case, is good because it would have felt out of place in a history type of story. However, there were places where a little bit more description would have been helpful.

08-Jan-2008 03:10:29 - Last edited on 08-Jan-2008 03:12:18 by Chuk

Chuk

Chuk

Posts: 14,177 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
For example, you call Guthix's magic 'impressive'. Although this is a fairly good word, it really doesn't tell me enough about the power and energy he was using in his spells. Tell me a little more detail about *how* it was impressive. You go into more depth with that topic a little later with the statement "wielding magic that it would kill a mortal to attempt to use." This is much better, but I wish it would have come earlier and it could have been elaborated a bit more.
The last place I have a comment about is at the very end when you describe the death of the last living being. "She died graciously'". Huh? What exactly does this mean? I got confused about how her death took place and why she died "graciously". Perhaps you meant gracefully, but that still wouldn't have been enough, I don't think.
You are also repetitive with your description in a couple places. Here is one:
"The Elder Dragons were slow to return to their world of Gielinor and spent many years learning of what had befallen the land before they returned to it. For five and twenty years they monitored the land before they decided that the time was nigh for their return."
-- This is just really repetitive, both in singular words and the over all description. I think you can reformat it so that it would all fit into one sentence with the same information and be less repetitive.


Vocabulary/Word Choice [15/20]:
This was not bad, yet not spectacular. I really like 'exotic' words, or words that I have to look up and that one sees very rarely when they read. You had at the most one or two of these, so that's where the biggest deduction came from. I would recommend choosing two or three words out of a dictionary that you have never seen in use before and try to incorporate them into your story somehow. It makes for a better vocabulary and for a more interesting read. It gets rid of the bland 'same old, same old' types of words that are seen everywhere.

08-Jan-2008 03:10:34 - Last edited on 08-Jan-2008 03:13:06 by Chuk

Chuk

Chuk

Posts: 14,177 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
I also have a few places where I think synonyms or other replacements would have worked better in the writing. I shall point them out and try to explain why. Most of these complaints are due to overuse of the same word.
"New settlements were formed and many people lived decent lives, but the people of Gielinor lived in constant fear of their new god, Zaros."
In this excerpt from the last paragraph before Part One you use some version of 'live' three times in one sentence. One of them is a noun which is better than if all three had been verbs, though. Eek! It's bad enough when a word is used that much in the same paragraph, but in the same sentence, it is pretty bad. If nothing else, I would recommend changing the second 'lived' to 'existed' or something similar, just to get rid of that repetition of words.
Also, in the excerpt I mentioned in the description category, some form of 'return' is overused. Try to find a synonym!
In a quick summary, get more new words and more synonyms into the piece. It helps a lot!

Plot [56/60]:
Even though this is a big category, I am not going to say too much about it because it was well done and I don't have much criticism.
It was fairly original, as you state in your introduction, and something that was lacking as far as history of RuneScape. Once you created this story, you also made it a little more than just a straight 'end of the world battle' sort of thing. The Elder Dragons were brought in to help Guthix and Guthix was imprisoned in the first place. *Everybody* died. These are just a few things I found interesting about the story line and helped make this your own story.

08-Jan-2008 03:10:39 - Last edited on 08-Jan-2008 03:14:40 by Chuk

Chuk

Chuk

Posts: 14,177 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Everything seemed to be introduced at the right time, except for the first mention of the dragons which was a little awkward. However, since I'm not sure how you could do that better it's not a big deal, just a little something I noticed. The suspense was pretty good and I could never predict exactly what was going to happen. Overall, this was also fairly believable, as far as 'end of the world' events go, anyway.
Well Done.


Characters [16/20]:
Your characters were pretty good. You developed them well for a short story and brought in more than just the necessary ones, as well.
I like the use of Azzandra and the Dragons to complement Guthix and Zaros. I also like the way Seren was used as a third party person who wasn't involved to the extent of the others. I thought this was great.
However, it is time for the bad news. They weren't very believable, especially the dialogue and actions in certain scenes. The part where this really bothered me was when Zaros discovers the problems through Azzandra's message about the dragons. I find it very hard to believe that such an evil god would accept the news that calmly. He needs to be more riled up in that situation. I also think that Azzandra would have offered to help him or something before leaving. At any rate he wouldn't speak to his master that is one of the most powerful beings on Gielinor like this:
"None of this makes sense, for there is no force I know of upon Gielinor that it could be. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must be going."
You would not tell your master whose wish is your command "I must be going." It just doesn't work that way. This was by far the worse thing with the characters and I took off all four points for it.
Other than that, they were good. Better than in most short stories.

08-Jan-2008 03:10:44 - Last edited on 08-Jan-2008 03:15:52 by Chuk

Chuk

Chuk

Posts: 14,177 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Writing Style [29/30]:
This was absolutely wonderful! At least it was for the most part. I adore the old style of writing and it fit with this topic incredibly well. I'm sure you knew that and chose to write like this for that very reason. Anyhow, it is quite impressive to do that successfully. Unfortunately, there were a few places where it messed you up a little bit and derailed the flow. These weren't bad, but they were there so I am going to point them out.
In one place, you confuse yourself with the numbers:
"…of the one thousand two hundred thousands of soldiers that…"
-- Huh? This number makes no sense and it looks like you were trying for the old way of writing numbers.
Something else that bothers me:
"Common knowledge had it that Guthix had started the second God War, and that Zaros had come as the champion of the people."
-- The phrase 'had it' sounds very awkward in this old type of writing. Perhaps replace with 'held' or something similar.
You also had some awkward sentences or phrases such as:
"*that it would kill a mortal to attempt to use." -- I feel like this could be rephrased somehow.
"Seren felt it as soon as Guthix was freed…" -- Here the 'felt it' part is a little odd.
There were a few other places like this, but overall well done. I *really* liked the old style of writing.

08-Jan-2008 03:10:48 - Last edited on 08-Jan-2008 03:16:43 by Chuk

Chuk

Chuk

Posts: 14,177 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Miscellaneous [18/20]:
Okay, last category. This wasn't emotional, which is something I sometimes put in this category, but it didn't need to be. It was a type of history. Histories aren't very emotional.
Pretty much everything else was good as well, so you got a high score from this category that is basically a 'tilt' unless your story has something incredibly unique. You missed the two points because, to be honest, I felt that this story was a little overrated in how good a specimen of writing it is, which is not to say that it is a bad story by any means, however.


Total [203/230] - 88.3% :
Well done! I was going to try to be harsh, but I found that even when I was, you still got a great score. All I have to say is touch up on comma use a little bit, work on dialogue/character believability, and if you plan to use this style much, make sure you keep the writing smooth flowing. Again, nice job!

08-Jan-2008 03:10:52 - Last edited on 08-Jan-2008 20:18:45 by Chuk

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