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Just letting y'know I've finished re-reading it and am starting my review now
-~* The Icelandic Grim Reaper is here *~-
-~* The Icelandic Grim Reaper is here *~-
30-Dec-2007 18:23:58
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Ardhonmeth
Quick find code: 49-50-324-54229742
Review of 'Ardhonmeth', by Poller5.
Mechanics: 19/20 (9.5/10) - This is a pet peeve of mine: IT'S ZAMORAK, NOT ZAMORACK! Read the god letters, you'll see..
As much as I like (and I do like them a lot) the way you say numbers, you have to know your limits. "of the one thousand two hundred thousands of soldiers that fought..." That number just becomes confusing. I seriously have no idea what it is...
"Azzandra entered" It's Azzanadra.
You can avoid the censor turning your quotation marks and apostrophes into stars by writing them again on the forums. Word changes those into things called 'smartquotes' when you copy/paste it over, and the forums censor these.
"...and from their mouths spewed fire that destroyed the magical bonds holing Guthix..." The first typo I find in this!
"The common belief that Guthix had started the second God War, and that Zaros had come as the champion of the people. This lacks a verb. 'The common belief *was* that Guthix...'.
"and the irony was not lost of Zaros." 'Of' should be 'to', I think.
"...Guthix was blown backwards; the force of the blow carving a crater in the hill." The semi-colon should be a comma. 'The force of the blow carving a crater in the hill' isn't an independent clause; it can't stand alone.
All in all, this was a very good job. You may find a discrepancy between the number of errors I pointed out and the grade, but that's because I'm special. None of the errors really took away from the reading, so it's all good
Mechanics: 19/20 (9.5/10) - This is a pet peeve of mine: IT'S ZAMORAK, NOT ZAMORACK! Read the god letters, you'll see..
As much as I like (and I do like them a lot) the way you say numbers, you have to know your limits. "of the one thousand two hundred thousands of soldiers that fought..." That number just becomes confusing. I seriously have no idea what it is...
"Azzandra entered" It's Azzanadra.
You can avoid the censor turning your quotation marks and apostrophes into stars by writing them again on the forums. Word changes those into things called 'smartquotes' when you copy/paste it over, and the forums censor these.
"...and from their mouths spewed fire that destroyed the magical bonds holing Guthix..." The first typo I find in this!
"The common belief that Guthix had started the second God War, and that Zaros had come as the champion of the people. This lacks a verb. 'The common belief *was* that Guthix...'.
"and the irony was not lost of Zaros." 'Of' should be 'to', I think.
"...Guthix was blown backwards; the force of the blow carving a crater in the hill." The semi-colon should be a comma. 'The force of the blow carving a crater in the hill' isn't an independent clause; it can't stand alone.
All in all, this was a very good job. You may find a discrepancy between the number of errors I pointed out and the grade, but that's because I'm special. None of the errors really took away from the reading, so it's all good
30-Dec-2007 20:42:37
Descriptions: 18/20 (9/10) - There was everything we needed. I am familiar with many 'apocalypse' stories in many religions, and I think you captured the atmosphere that surrounds virtually all of them very well. Aside from dialogue, which isn't generally included in such tales, I wouldn't have known the difference from a real-life religion apocalypse prophecy and this
(No docking for it, though, obviously you can put your own style to it, and I don't think the dialogue had any real negative effect on the story).
The only real reason you're not acing this is because it's not a descriptive story, but a plot one.
Plot: 28.5/30 (9.5/10) - Ah, splendid
I was enthralled in this, and I think you took a *very* nice route with the Dragonkin coming into the mix, instead of just making it a plain, foreseeable tale of 'Sara and Guthix were on this side of the plain, Zaros on the other'. No, this had plot twists, surprise reinforcements from the elves and Selen, and such.
Very nice. The one thing I dislike is the ending of the world...I know I've said this before, but I'll say it again: rebuild civilization! Space aliens, dimension travellers, one distant place that survives and rebuilds the world...anything. I want Gelinor back XD
Characters: 28.5/30 (9.5/10) - Very nice. Obviously, this wasn't a character-as-the-backbone story like so many on the forum, but even despite of that you built great, in-depth characters
Zaros, Guthix and Selen were all fantastic. I especially liked how you made Guthix's favoured form be a butterfly. You weren't afraid of taking it into a new direction, doing something original with it. Kudos
I am, however, curious as to why Selen so desperately tried saving Guthix...makes me wonder as to whether theres some story behind them *ponders*
(No docking for it, though, obviously you can put your own style to it, and I don't think the dialogue had any real negative effect on the story).
The only real reason you're not acing this is because it's not a descriptive story, but a plot one.
Plot: 28.5/30 (9.5/10) - Ah, splendid
I was enthralled in this, and I think you took a *very* nice route with the Dragonkin coming into the mix, instead of just making it a plain, foreseeable tale of 'Sara and Guthix were on this side of the plain, Zaros on the other'. No, this had plot twists, surprise reinforcements from the elves and Selen, and such.
Very nice. The one thing I dislike is the ending of the world...I know I've said this before, but I'll say it again: rebuild civilization! Space aliens, dimension travellers, one distant place that survives and rebuilds the world...anything. I want Gelinor back XD
Characters: 28.5/30 (9.5/10) - Very nice. Obviously, this wasn't a character-as-the-backbone story like so many on the forum, but even despite of that you built great, in-depth characters
Zaros, Guthix and Selen were all fantastic. I especially liked how you made Guthix's favoured form be a butterfly. You weren't afraid of taking it into a new direction, doing something original with it. Kudos
I am, however, curious as to why Selen so desperately tried saving Guthix...makes me wonder as to whether theres some story behind them *ponders*
30-Dec-2007 20:44:34
Tilt: -2%. Sorry. I just knew when I finished reading this'd either be high 80s or low 90s, but I think 94 is just a tad too high for my liking of this.
Total: 92%. Highest grade I've given yet. Congratulations! This was splendid! It's within a number that I think is pretty much impossible to really better much...you'd be hard pressed to get a solid 10 from me, and I doubt it'll ever happen, so 9.5 in ¾ categories, and 9 in the fourth, is really great
Congratz!
EDIT: Out of curiosity, why did you choose the name 'Ardhonmeth' for this?
-~* The Icelandic Grim Reaper is here *~-
Total: 92%. Highest grade I've given yet. Congratulations! This was splendid! It's within a number that I think is pretty much impossible to really better much...you'd be hard pressed to get a solid 10 from me, and I doubt it'll ever happen, so 9.5 in ¾ categories, and 9 in the fourth, is really great
Congratz!
EDIT: Out of curiosity, why did you choose the name 'Ardhonmeth' for this?
-~* The Icelandic Grim Reaper is here *~-
30-Dec-2007 20:45:13 - Last edited on 30-Dec-2007 20:46:03 by [#80N8R0VWZ]
XD So that's why they're so Tolkien-esque
-~* The Icelandic Grim Reaper is here *~-
-~* The Icelandic Grim Reaper is here *~-
30-Dec-2007 20:56:51
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