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~^v^~ Kashan's Tale ~^v^~

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Roshinda

Roshinda

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Finished reading it! Waaaah it isn't finished, and you don't want to finish it!

Anyways, I love your use of vocabulary and your excellent description. It's so easy just to get lost in the story (and I don't mean lost as in confused.)

I have to go back and re-read the first 9 pages to correct the spelling as you asked, but here are the corrections you can make to the last half. Considering the length of the story, and the fact that English is not your first language, there are surprisingly few. I'm somewhat surprised that no one else has pointed them out. Not that they're obvious or anything... I'm just a born proofreader lol.

Page 10 post 5, "The men's moral..." should be 'morale'.

Page 11 post 5, "He crouched besides him..." should be 'beside'.

Page 12 page 9, "Groshek wasn't angrier than so..." I found this sentence very confusing. I have no suggestions to fix it, since I don't know what you were trying to say.

Page 13 post 3, "The men's moral..." again, should be 'morale'.

Page 14 post 1, "The colossal black demon Kolodian had transformed to was the only beast-like thing not running for its life." Confusing wording.

Page 15 post 2, "are continues motion..." should be 'continuous'.

Page 15 post 3, "...past to cloud the presence" I believe you mean 'present'.

Page 15 post 4, "..equipment they were borrowed..." Should be either 'they borrowed' or 'they were loaned'.

Page 15 post 7, "Arya queried him as to about this" I think for this sentence to make sense you have to remove the '** to'.

Page 17 post 7, "they're horses were panting" should be 'their'

Page 17 post 9, "she had another one on her persona" should be 'person'.

Page 18 post 1, "she resulted to elven" I don't think resulted is right, I could be wrong, but I think 'resorted' is the word you are looking for.


I may go back over the first half tonight yet, but might not get to it til tomorrow. My eyes are sore.

Again, good job!

31-Oct-2006 08:25:38 - Last edited on 31-Oct-2006 10:53:08 by Roshinda

Roshinda

Roshinda

Posts: 6,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
He asked me to. Well not me specifically, but no one else decided to take him up on it.

And I'm a natural proof reader. I get it from my mom. In all the books I own I have circled spelling errors with a red pen. Even published books are filled with mistakes. Some are really quite appaling. :s

31-Oct-2006 10:46:32

[#80N8R0VWZ]

[#80N8R0VWZ]

Posts: 9,100 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Lol, I understand you so well Roshinda XD I'm a proofreader myself, though mostly in Icelandic, but I usually do pretty well in English as well. Thanks a million for going over them, I'll get to it immediately!

And Backscratcher mate, I'll get to your story ASAP ;)

Quote of the day!

The more things change, the more they remain... insane.
Michael Fry and T. Lewis, Over the Hedge, 05-09-04

31-Oct-2006 19:55:43

[#80N8R0VWZ]

[#80N8R0VWZ]

Posts: 9,100 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Page 12 page 9, "Groshek wasn't angrier than so..." I found this sentence very confusing. I have no suggestions to fix it, since I don't know what you were trying to say.

Page 14 post 1, "The colossal black demon Kolodian had transformed to was the only beast-like thing not running for its life." Confusing wording.

Page 17 post 9, "she had another one on her persona" should be 'person'.

~~~

I'm gonna save the word changes for later when I have the time to fix'em, they take a bit longer since I have no idea what to put instead :P

And I'm pretty sure I saw 'persona' used in Pirates of the Carribean, when they said that evil captain had the keys 'somewhere on his persona'...though it might have been a pirate thing O_o

The more things change, the more they remain... insane.
Michael Fry and T. Lewis, Over the Hedge, 05-09-04

31-Oct-2006 21:57:42

Roshinda

Roshinda

Posts: 6,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Ask Torpy about the persona thing. I could be wrong. I know its a word, I just didn't think it meant the same thing. He'll know.

without going over the first half of your story again (my eyes are still kind of bleary lol, might not get to it for a while) the only things I can remember were you described someone as being 5'12, which would be 6' exactly. And every time you refer to Toin's Axe, you spell it 'ax'. Is that intentionally misspelled? Cause it seems you spell it right unless talking specifically about his.

Anyway, just saying again what an enjoyable read it was.

01-Nov-2006 00:53:48

[#80N8R0VWZ]

[#80N8R0VWZ]

Posts: 9,100 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Yeah, thanks Rosh. When I started this, I didn't know too much about the 'foot/inch' system, I was guessing extremely much back then XD
And yes, the ax with Toin is intentional. I have no idea if it's correct or not, but it looks cool, so I don't care. LOL.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
Woody Allen (1935 - ), "Without Feathers"

01-Nov-2006 13:39:06

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