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~^v^~ Kashan's Tale ~^v^~
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Thanks Adam
Was there anything you think I could fix or make better?
Jube, same question, what did you think of it?
~<><>~ Siig, Novelist of TAL, Silver member of TGP, and Golden quill of TSQ ~<><>~
-~* The Icelandic Grim Reaper is here *~-
Was there anything you think I could fix or make better?
Jube, same question, what did you think of it?
~<><>~ Siig, Novelist of TAL, Silver member of TGP, and Golden quill of TSQ ~<><>~
-~* The Icelandic Grim Reaper is here *~-
25-Sep-2006 16:26:19
Uh, that last add? With Shadow?
Not TOO crazy about it. You may not have had "it" then, but it just didn't particularly make much sense to me. One minute they're doing this, one minute something is being described...
Not TOO crazy about it. You may not have had "it" then, but it just didn't particularly make much sense to me. One minute they're doing this, one minute something is being described...
25-Sep-2006 23:07:42
"When he woke up, he found himself sitting astride on air, pointing his right hand claws towards a young woman’s head, and holding one of her hands next to her head with his left. What shocked him was the fact that there was no more to the woman. "
Okay, first of all, why would he wake up to have HIS weapons on HER throat? Also, "there was no more to the woman." WHAT??? What on earth does that mean? Even if you explained it, that reminds me uncomfortably of that weird add I made on TAoL about Jack and Thenassu.
More explanation coming up.
"The woman’s body appeared under Kashan, revealing a fragile frame and lanky arms, which suggested a weak lady. Her face and the needles betrayed that notion."
Her face and the needles betrayed that notion. What does that mean? I mean, I know what it means, but that was a REALLY awkward way of putting it.
"Which suggested a weak lady". Also, bad choice of wording. 'weak lady'? I'm not even going to ASK why you put that there.
And finally, "The woman's body appeared under Kashan".
Whoa, getting groovy, eh?
;)
Okay, first of all, why would he wake up to have HIS weapons on HER throat? Also, "there was no more to the woman." WHAT??? What on earth does that mean? Even if you explained it, that reminds me uncomfortably of that weird add I made on TAoL about Jack and Thenassu.
More explanation coming up.
"The woman’s body appeared under Kashan, revealing a fragile frame and lanky arms, which suggested a weak lady. Her face and the needles betrayed that notion."
Her face and the needles betrayed that notion. What does that mean? I mean, I know what it means, but that was a REALLY awkward way of putting it.
"Which suggested a weak lady". Also, bad choice of wording. 'weak lady'? I'm not even going to ASK why you put that there.
And finally, "The woman's body appeared under Kashan".
Whoa, getting groovy, eh?
;)
26-Sep-2006 01:03:38 - Last edited on 26-Sep-2006 01:06:42 by [#9PE5KKJ52]
Trey, you did review it on the other thread. Got a 7,6 from you.Jube, thanks for that. I'll respond to each paragraph with a paragrap (I dunno why I like responding to big posts in that way, just do
)Ok, waking up issue: You're perfectly right, I'll rewrite that. The way I was thinking it made sense, but I didn't make that clear enough, and I doubt I even can, so I'll make something else instead. Erm, about that add with Jack and Thenassu with there being nothing more to them...can you tell me which one that was? I can't remember it, but my 'subconcios' might have accidentaly taken influence from it (just like Xen's paranoing about!
)The betraying notion thing...I can't really see what's wrong there, aside from the extremely awkward wording with weak lady (which I will definetly take out/fix).And, getting groovy? heh, lol
)Ok, waking up issue: You're perfectly right, I'll rewrite that. The way I was thinking it made sense, but I didn't make that clear enough, and I doubt I even can, so I'll make something else instead. Erm, about that add with Jack and Thenassu with there being nothing more to them...can you tell me which one that was? I can't remember it, but my 'subconcios' might have accidentaly taken influence from it (just like Xen's paranoing about!
)The betraying notion thing...I can't really see what's wrong there, aside from the extremely awkward wording with weak lady (which I will definetly take out/fix).And, getting groovy? heh, lol
26-Sep-2006 23:33:49
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