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Quick find code: 49-50-307-57974397
“(c)"Th-the Wilderness!?"”
Please don’t use the (c) or <censor> in this story. I realize that you want your message to get across, but firstly, it is against the rules (though I doubt any moderator is petty enough to remotely care =P), and secondly it, similar to the above quote, hurts the overall experience.
“There used to be two trees at a time long ago, another at the south, however a careless adventurer had hacked one of them for firewood long ago. She could also see the trapdoor through the decrepit structure, that lead down into Edgeville'* dungeon. “
Allow for me to identify errors in this paragraph.
*Used to be”
Don’t use this phrase, as it is oftentimes incorrectly used. *Used to” is a phrase which is used to indicate a former practice. Being isn’t a practice, I’m afraid.
“at a time long ago”
This is prolixious and rather vague. Why is this phrase necessary at all? *used to” already shows that this was in the past.
“however”
This word is very often misused. As a caution, I will state that you should never begin a sentence with “however” unless it is being used as “in whatever way” or “to whatever extent”. When used as it is most commonly seen as “nevertheless”, you should never begin a sentence with it. Additionally, replacing this word with its definition in the above quoted paragraph doesn’t make sense;
“There used to be two trees at a time long ago, another at the south, nevertheless a careless adventurer…”
Lastly, the comma before “that” isn’t necessary. “That lead down into Edgeville** dungeon” doesn’t comply with any phrase requisite of a comma.
Please don’t use the (c) or <censor> in this story. I realize that you want your message to get across, but firstly, it is against the rules (though I doubt any moderator is petty enough to remotely care =P), and secondly it, similar to the above quote, hurts the overall experience.
“There used to be two trees at a time long ago, another at the south, however a careless adventurer had hacked one of them for firewood long ago. She could also see the trapdoor through the decrepit structure, that lead down into Edgeville'* dungeon. “
Allow for me to identify errors in this paragraph.
*Used to be”
Don’t use this phrase, as it is oftentimes incorrectly used. *Used to” is a phrase which is used to indicate a former practice. Being isn’t a practice, I’m afraid.
“at a time long ago”
This is prolixious and rather vague. Why is this phrase necessary at all? *used to” already shows that this was in the past.
“however”
This word is very often misused. As a caution, I will state that you should never begin a sentence with “however” unless it is being used as “in whatever way” or “to whatever extent”. When used as it is most commonly seen as “nevertheless”, you should never begin a sentence with it. Additionally, replacing this word with its definition in the above quoted paragraph doesn’t make sense;
“There used to be two trees at a time long ago, another at the south, nevertheless a careless adventurer…”
Lastly, the comma before “that” isn’t necessary. “That lead down into Edgeville** dungeon” doesn’t comply with any phrase requisite of a comma.
13-Apr-2009 17:46:07
“with two pathways one north, one south. “
Here is a prime example of where complex punctuation should be used, but isn’t. A colon should be included before “one north”, and the comma should be removed after this, and, in its place, the word “and” included.
“dived to the ground and were up again in a flash”
Instead of “dived”, I would use “dove”. This is a situation similar to “quit” versus “quitted”; it simply sounds better to use “dove”.
“They'd escaped, alive.”
Replace this with either
“They’d escaped…alive”
or
“They’d escaped. Alive.”
“if it was really him he saw.”
I believe that you mean “she saw”.
“leaving them be as they did them.”
Pronouns only go so far, my friend. This is utterly confusing. Replace one (OR MORE) of these pronouns, please!
“leaving the beasts alone just as the beasts did the group.”
“"Definately,"”
I believe that you mean “definitely”.
“Georgia came away from the shelves with nought but a few rusted tools and rotten food products. “
I believe that you mean naught.
“Robert did so and the door opened without fascination. “
I fail to see the relevance of “without fascination”. If the door opened and nothing special happened, the reader can figure this out when you abstain from stating that anything happened. You don’t need to explicitly write out that nothing happened unless this is utterly relevant.
“What-what in Saradromin's name...?”
I believe that you mean “Saradomin’s name”.
“once Edward and Tristan's house”
This means that the house was once the actual person Edward, and belonged to Tristan… Tristan owned Edward, who turned into a house.
When showing possession, you need to include the ‘s after each article:
“once Edward’s and Tristan’s house.*
Here is a prime example of where complex punctuation should be used, but isn’t. A colon should be included before “one north”, and the comma should be removed after this, and, in its place, the word “and” included.
“dived to the ground and were up again in a flash”
Instead of “dived”, I would use “dove”. This is a situation similar to “quit” versus “quitted”; it simply sounds better to use “dove”.
“They'd escaped, alive.”
Replace this with either
“They’d escaped…alive”
or
“They’d escaped. Alive.”
“if it was really him he saw.”
I believe that you mean “she saw”.
“leaving them be as they did them.”
Pronouns only go so far, my friend. This is utterly confusing. Replace one (OR MORE) of these pronouns, please!
“leaving the beasts alone just as the beasts did the group.”
“"Definately,"”
I believe that you mean “definitely”.
“Georgia came away from the shelves with nought but a few rusted tools and rotten food products. “
I believe that you mean naught.
“Robert did so and the door opened without fascination. “
I fail to see the relevance of “without fascination”. If the door opened and nothing special happened, the reader can figure this out when you abstain from stating that anything happened. You don’t need to explicitly write out that nothing happened unless this is utterly relevant.
“What-what in Saradromin's name...?”
I believe that you mean “Saradomin’s name”.
“once Edward and Tristan's house”
This means that the house was once the actual person Edward, and belonged to Tristan… Tristan owned Edward, who turned into a house.
When showing possession, you need to include the ‘s after each article:
“once Edward’s and Tristan’s house.*
13-Apr-2009 17:47:16
Thank you very much for your extremely detailed review! No doubt it'll help me immensely with the remainder of this story and those yet to come.
Regarding your last paragraph (on your thread, you've left it out here) while it may not appear so now, the story will become more horror orientated in later chapters.
I have no other comments or complaints, you've done a fantastic and thorough job, one that was well worth the wait.
Regarding your last paragraph (on your thread, you've left it out here) while it may not appear so now, the story will become more horror orientated in later chapters.
I have no other comments or complaints, you've done a fantastic and thorough job, one that was well worth the wait.
14-Apr-2009 00:06:48 - Last edited on 17-Apr-2009 13:09:43 by Infinity A8
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