“What seemed to be their leader stepped forward, a tall, broad, man with unkempt brown hair and a two-tooth gap in his grin. As evidenced by the state of his nose, this person had been in not a few fights. A scrap of black cloth was tied about one of his wide arms.”
Every opposition has negative appearances, whereas your protagonists only have positive ones. I will repeat that caricatures are not effective. Not that this damages anything, but I feel I should make my criticism as full and honest as possible.
The other twins or whatever go into Varrock and are confronted by ruffians, who are defeated in an instance by a random saviour, who like every other, greets with polite words to the protagonists.
““So that’* what I look like,” the being said. His face was sleepy, lazily handsome. “What are your names?””
Why is it that all your protagonists are handsome or pretty, perfect, and all your villains with bent noses and scruffy-looking? Well, there is the vampire, who is also of positive traits, but you took time for her.
“Unwillingly she stilled herself, green eyes glaring pools of hatred”
The vampire’s eyes full of hatred has already been mentioned a few times. If I forget something, it’s my fault, not yours.
And this seems to be the last chunk of story. This was much shorter than I expected; when I saw over five hundred posts on the thread, I thought there’d be, like, three hundred posts of story. Well, since that’s the case, I’ll probably finish reading all your stories here fairly soon.
The story’s downside is the repetition, there really is not much going on other than your two twins walking around finding a little trouble here and there, and a vampire and a phoenix. The story’s flow was smooth and simple, but since this is so, also lacks complexity and fleshed storyline. Since your two twins will confront one another one day, this fact makes me not really care what happens to them.
30-May-2013 01:39:43
- Last edited on
30-May-2013 01:40:59
by
Azigarath
Wow, fancy forums are fancy.
