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Yrolg

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The following piece won first place in the Darkest Secrets--Story Contest held in June 2012. The contest was hosted by Cozmic.

IN THE MOUNTAINS AND THE VALE

To my cherished Emmeline--

As the cold wind whisks its dreadful path, I cannot help but to think that this isolation is an event of my own creation, and from this assume the writhing pain of responsibility. When my mind drifts its way as the clouds high above, inexorably overlooking the forlorn scene, and ventures back to the execrable night when at last I recognized the inevitable, my body shudders beyond the cold. It never was the purpose to escape – to abscond the life of happiness and appreciation that I had enjoyed. Yet however easily I escaped the toil of that life, it becomes every day the less possible that I escape contemplation that what I did was wrong, and that I, by this action, have revoked the privileges of your love. And you sit in my mind, my beloved Emmeline, cooing your sweet forgiveness every night but for that I forsake it in the knowledge that with the morning sun shall come the dreadful sorrow of my secret.

Just as the rocks tumble from the vast canyon walls and shatter upon the soft floor below, the boulders of my guilt tumble through my consciousness and shatter upon the fragile figure of my soul. Through years of separation from those very souls I sought to protect, I have known that it is a malady of my own creation, so that when first my palpitating heart calmed and my mind returned to its rationalization, I knew I was a coward. But is it not the place of a coward to do such things to those he loves?

06-Apr-2008 01:26:52 - Last edited on 03-Feb-2014 15:44:39 by Yrolg

Yrolg

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As these boulders batter my fading happiness, I cannot justify these thoughts. If I truly am a coward I should relish in the complacency of the previous life, titillate myself with the knowledge that my happiness was derived from mere association with the bliss of others. No matter the vacuous sentiment, which belied my veneer to the unremitting dolor of its true nature, inevitably I conclude, in this doleful cogitation, that I was the betrayer. Through my cowardice I had become the pariah, desperate for a realization of the perfidious façade, that betrays his kin for the sake of personal satisfaction. Indeed, I was the boulder tumbling down from on high and crushing her with a wanton wrath of pride and arrogance. And like Niobe, I am now but a weeping stone on the mountain, seeing only as Apollo’s last arrow soars ever closer to my last hope.
From this my evanescing soul can wrench no happiness, this much is true. Never passes a day when my thoughts diffuse the agony, and never a thought is had that subtracts from the sum of my pain. But they serve as a distraction – a focus for my consciousness outside the realm of suffering, so that I may, at times, reserve appreciation for the fact that though the pain is shared, I bear my secret alone. It is a solace from utter woe to adjudge some benefit from the pain I have inflicted. So I think these things as the sunlight, which itself is a mere allusion to the life it might otherwise provide, cascades upon the frigid air each morning, never daring to utter my thoughts for fear they would come true. And the somber silence remains unbroken.

06-Apr-2008 01:26:53 - Last edited on 10-Feb-2013 04:50:31 by Yrolg

Yrolg

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The sun makes its way across the red rock canyon, its cold light elucidating the secrets of the mountain’s shadows in a ridicule of my own frustrations. How cruel that their secrets shall be known whereas my own, as my sorrow, fill my dark and empty bosom! O! How my heart weeps for the memory of bygone days. The sun does not beam its effulgent probes without the eyes of the dear Emmeline staring through to my heart; the moon does not end its heavenly reprise without the guilt of knowing that what I did — who I am — is insufferable.

Just as the glory of God must aright be espied by the solitude of contemplation, so too must the tribulations of sin be endured by the solitude of regret. Thus I sit atop Mt Sipylus, shivering in the whisking wind and looking out upon the canyons my sorrows have forged, desperate for an appreciation of all that I behold in separation from a previous life. I regard the dark crevices, hoarding their secrets from the bright winter sun, and the red valleys extending off into the horizon; I descry, in the distance, the vagarious herds in their relentless grazing, and lament my heart’s separation from you. My cloak throws its tatters into the squall of the mountaintop’s erratic breathing, and my knees they ache from the hard stone upon which they are perched. But it is a kind pain, a physical pain, and I relish in the falseness, the hollow discomfort of it.

06-Apr-2008 01:26:54 - Last edited on 03-Feb-2014 15:47:02 by Yrolg

Yrolg

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What would I give for the pain in my chest to be just as transient, to disappear with a mere shift in posture? Would I give my memories, my buoy on the seas of depression, bobbing upon the waves of pain that crash within my conscience? They are all that I cling to in my desperation to return to what once was. They are a connection with my Emmeline that shall last throughout my cowardice; a thread which binds us despite my guilt. My hair whips wildly about my face as I turn to face the frost-covered rocks and melancholy tarn that rested behind me: I would. In shame and in self-pity I work my way to their gleaming facets, cajoling my instincts to inaction. It was through such meditation and pain that I have learned nothing. Emmeline, you see my fault; you see that I truly do not deserve you. We are forever bound by this pain I have inflicted, and I now bow my head in tears with recognition that we shall be together only in this suffering.
The writhing rivers that make their lifeless way from this desolate spot melt effortlessly into the reticent tarn. I have thought, and still do, of the ease with which I might slip my body into its motionless waters. Like the wind, I would weave a dreadful path as its taciturn surface envelops my unremitting sorrows. When the waters close in over my sinking eyes and my body descends to where even the light dares not go, I shall at last be truly alone with the secret I dared not ever tell—that I love you.

-//-

06-Apr-2008 01:26:55 - Last edited on 10-Feb-2013 04:51:03 by Yrolg

Yrolg

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Author's Notes:
I realise that the words are complicated and the sentence structures very time-consuming. But I really do encourage you to take your time and enjoy the meanings it has under the surface. I took a lot of time to make careful allusions, so enjoy them!
Spoiler alert--I'm going to describe some of the more vague references here.
1. The Mountain and the Vale was a reference to the fact that the narrator never said goodbye when he left his wife. Instead, what he is writing is his farewell letter, which he can't decide to give to Emmeline.
2. Niobe is from a Greek tale about a woman who was proud enough to gloat at the gods, who punished her for her pride and arrogance. They killed all fourteen of her children. She was so sad that she went, after a time, to plead to be rid of her sorrow. So the gods turned her into a boulder that weeps every morning with dew.
3. The distractions from his sorrow are meant to illustrate that he is not truly alone; he is distracting himself from his pain, and for that he feels further guilt. That is why he feels it necessary to demonstrate that he is not getting any happiness from the nature around him; he is only getting a distraction from his pain.
4. He is afraid to speak -- and afraid of all the sounds -- because he thinks that if he disturbs the mountain, he will be giving credence to the horrible deed he committed. For the record, his horrible deed was to run away from his wife in the middle of the night because he was afraid she didn't love him.
5. The narrator thinks of suicide whenever he realises that he would sacrifice all of his memories of Emmeline for an end to the pain. The entire reason that he sequestered himself on top of the mountain was to teach himself not to make those cowardly decisions.

06-Apr-2008 01:27:01 - Last edited on 10-Feb-2013 04:51:22 by Yrolg