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Dyrnwyn
Nov Member 2007

Dyrnwyn

Posts: 1,396 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
[#DXFKGWV7L] said :
I'm not very creative, so I can't leave any feedback that's worthwhile, but I will profile so I can continue reading later.

Thanks, Odin, it means a lot to me that you actually want to read this. I didn't think anyone was going to read it unless I asked them to. :P

EDIT: By the way, I'll probably add some more soon. I pretty much have the plot all mapped out by now, and it's going to get really interesting soon. Also, I found a quote, which sort of fits the story (although you might not get it until the story is finished). I'm not going to post it, though, for fear of sparking a religious debate.

EDIT 2: I added the last part of Chapter Four . I just now found out that the quotation marks in the first part of the story are messed up. I really should fix them, but I'm hoping for Jagex to do it, seeing as they are the ones who caused it. // Wordsmith ~ The Novelists' Guild // Viking //

03-Apr-2013 13:30:59 - Last edited on 03-Apr-2013 13:46:24 by Dyrnwyn

Dyrnwyn
Nov Member 2007

Dyrnwyn

Posts: 1,396 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Fen Men emerged from the water in all directions. Hunched, eyeless figures crawled closer, snarling in pure bloodlust.

Nemo's head had been churning with thoughts of unjustified secrecy and roaring shepherds, but all of this was pushed back to the dark and dusty back of his mind, as the adrenaline pumped through his veins, the force of self-preservation working its magic.

The air blurred. Felix screamed. A splash of water.

”FELIX!”

Nemo did not even contemplate the possibility of leaving his new-found friend behind. He drew a deep breath, even as he leapt from his mount.

The water was not as cold as Nemo had expected. It was, however, highly unpleasant in other ways. It was thick and muddy, and Nemo desperately fought back his gag reflex.

It was hard to see under in the grimy water, but the Fen Man had not gone far, and Nemo managed to grab hold of one of its webbed feet.

The creature turned around, Felix struggling to free himself from its tight grip.

Nemo drew his dagger, but what should have been a vicious lunge was turned into a half-hearted stab, slowed by the filthy water.

It dawned on Nemo that water was the natural element of these creatures, and there was no way he would be able to defeat them here. He fumbled for something to grab hold of, and his hand met something soft, before breaking through the unknown surface.

The Fen Man screeched, and Nemo looked at his hand. It had broken through what appeared to be some kind of cocoon. In disgust he drew it out, and a small Fen Man embryo tumbled from the white sac and immediately started sinking.

The previously so ferocious adversary let go of Felix and darted deeper into the murky water, in search of its lost young.

Once again fighting the urge to vomit, Nemo managed to grab the troubadour and bring him to the surface. Gasping for air, the little man thanked him.

”Gods above!” Nemo exclaimed as they set feet on dry land, just in time to see a Fen Man drag Felix' horse under. // Wordsmith ~ The Novelists' Guild // Viking //

03-Apr-2013 13:37:02 - Last edited on 03-Apr-2013 13:38:38 by Dyrnwyn

Dyrnwyn
Nov Member 2007

Dyrnwyn

Posts: 1,396 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Nemo hauled his friend to the remaining mount, and slung him onto the horse's back, himself fol-lowing shortly after.

”This is below my dignity!” coughed Felix, not very convincingly.

”Oh, perhaps you'd rather walk? No? I thought as much.”

-

”I'll have you know that it is in no way befitting for a bard of my standards to travel in this manner!”

It had been a couple of days since they had reached the edge of the swampland, and Felix had – after the initial shock had passed * objected strongly to sitting behind Nemo on the remaining horse.

”I should at least get to ride the horse – I AM the guide, after all.”

Nemo grinned, shaking with suppressed mirth.

”You do realise that it is my horse. Also, it was you idea to travel through that damned swamp. 'Don't worry, Nemo, the Fen Men rarely attack. Don't worry, Nemo, I've dealt with them before.' ”

The troubadour snorted and muttered something only half intelligible about how the Fen Men had multiplied explosively since his last visit.

-

The great walls of Cinthis rose before them as enormous, ivory mountains. Even the smallest of buildings in the White City were built of pure marble, which had long ago been imported from the northern lands.

While Desburgh was built only to serve its purpose as capital and fortress, Cinthis was an aesthetic masterpiece. Tall pillars supported expertly carved marble domes, and ornaments decorated every wall. Towers rose above the city, and bright blue flags and banners cracked in the wind.

”I'd forgotten how beautiful it is,” Nemo said. ”I was very young when I last visited. ”Say, Felix, is the White City still as rotten on the inside as it was two decades ago?”

The troubadour shook his head in feigned sadness.

”Regrettably, the few honest members of the High Council managed to replace most of the corrupt politicians with a bunch of ancient bureaucrats. There's hardly anyone to bribe anymore.”

”Felix, you are incurable.”

”Why, yes, I should certainly hope so!” // Wordsmith ~ The Novelists' Guild // Viking //

03-Apr-2013 13:38:58 - Last edited on 03-Apr-2013 13:48:50 by Dyrnwyn

Azigarath

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
''A helm hid the man's face, and a chainmail protected his chest.''
You mean, a chainmail shirt/hauberk/byrnie protected his chest? And what kind of helm is he wearing, you know, for the sake of curiosity?

''Nemo's curved dagger and the troubadour's sturdy lute made short work of the rest of the legionnaires''
These legionaries do not seem to be so competent in their job.

''It's crafted of the purest steelwood''
You mean ironwood, maybe? Hm, the troubadour also knows how to ride a horse it would seem.

''An ordinary dagger is perfectly capable of penetrating a maille''
Only if the blade is thin enough to squeeze between the links, and also sharp enough to pierce the padded garments worn beneath the mail. I'm guessing the legionnaires are not wearing padded garments, and even if they were, I suppose the dwarven blade would not be troubled anyways.

''He, too, wore simple clothes; a fur vest over his ripped tunic, patched breeches and worn leather boots.''
Reasonable, but leather isn't a cheap thing. You have to kill a cow or some other similar creature to make it, and making hide to leather is not easy. Many lesser knights throughout the Middle Ages were armoured in boiled leather, aka cuior bouilli. Just a comment, as the story mentions many cowherders, so I suppose an abundance of cows would mean that leather wouldn't be, say, expensive even for commoners.

''Nemo mumbled that he certainly hoped so, and silently prayed that they would not encounter any of these creatures.''
Well, I kinda did. :/
Oh, one does appear.

''It hissed again, and this time it almost sounded human.''
I don't think humans hiss. XD

''He stabbed the creature in the chest, and the force with which it propelled itself drove the stake all the way through.''

04-Apr-2013 05:49:57

Azigarath

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Very squishy guys, if a sharpened stick can go through their ribcage and spine. I'm not sure if hardwoods grow in swamps, though, as trees that do grow in swamps are often tangled and soft. A bit odd that Fen Men can drag a man and even a horse underwater, yet can be beat down with sticks.

Anyways, I think my feedback is proof I read your story thus far from beginning to end, I have to do something after all. All in all, your story offers what its genre does, but it has its share of clichés just like my own and other stories. The part with the Emperor follows a particularly overused scene.

Another disadvantage I had was the lack of description of key points, such as why the legionnaires kept failing (though their deaths occurred during nighttime), how did the protagonist be able to kill a few seemingly within seconds, how come a horse could be taken into water and drowned (as horses are powerful swimmers, and then again the horse is not mentioned to have drowned) - and stuff like that, but oh well, who cares.

Nonetheless, I like the idea of a troubadour using his instrument as a weapon, I don't think I see that very often. I also liked how the small keg of beer was used to bypass the border guards, clever.

Well, not much to say other than that, so I look forward to future additions. But may I offer you some links? I don't actually expect you to watch all of them in full detail, and other people have mentioned it's not necessary, as it is not, but I feel I can offer a glimpse of historic martial arts of weapons and armour to provide a basis for exciting, funner, developed action scenes. Just copy-pate the title of the link into the YouTube command line, I hope this helps.

04-Apr-2013 05:50:13

Azigarath

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
http://***.youtube.***/watch?v=TtNZQBc4RpE&feature=related
Longsword Techniques - Receiving Strikes on Flat

http://***.youtube.***/watch?v=ov_iVrHy4_A
CAS Hanwei - 2010 Blade show - John Clement* Historical European Swordsmanship

http://***.youtube.***/watch?v=7Ijy8Ky_vrI&feature=related
15th Century fighting demonstration

http://***.youtube.***/watch?v=bWISsk0cy74&feature=fvwp&NR=1
Messer Techniques from Talhoffer

http://***.youtube.***/watch?v=-TzdtyMC7ek&feature=related
Fencing with five different medieval weapons

http://***.youtube.***/watch?v=wR7RlwSGj50&feature=related
Rediscovering the Chinese Long Sword

http://***.youtube.***/watch?v=Kj4Ng6DB***&feature=related
Fechten mit dem langen Schwert

http://***.youtube.***/watch?v=G4k-vjdeZO4&feature=related
SwArta Harnischfechten

http://***.youtube.***/watch?v=7rqP1F36EMY
Grabbing Edge During Half-Swording

http://***.youtube.***/watch?v=lvkPLvoH1vI&feature=related
Twirch Ringen (Updated)

http://***.youtube.***/watch?v=xz-07Dtp-Qw
Unarmed vs Long Sword Technique

http://***.youtube.***/watch?v=sP5IRqPmQDc&feature=endscreen&NR=1
Battle of the Nations 2012 - Poland vs Russia 21x21 (30 April)

http://***.youtube.***/watch?v=jAAFczOyLVo&feature=related
Military Designs from Talhoffer's Medieval Combat Manual

04-Apr-2013 05:50:26

Dyrnwyn
Nov Member 2007

Dyrnwyn

Posts: 1,396 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Thank you, Azi, your feedback is, as always, very valuable. I will take a look at those links soon.

About the scene with the Emperor, I was actually going to scrap it. The only reason I wrote it was to get flowing, as my creativuty had hit a dry spell, and I didn't quite know how to continue the story.

Oh, and Felix owned a horse until recently, hence his ability to ride one. Not sure if I've added the part where that's explained, though.

Again, thank you for taking the time to do this - I greatly appreciate it! // Wordsmith ~ The Novelists' Guild // Viking //

04-Apr-2013 08:30:31

Azigarath

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
You're welcome, I try to be as helpful as I can (sort of). I do not recall Felix having owned a horse in the story, but I may have missed it. Oh, and on page 2, there are some issues about quotations, that silly JAGEX.

I forgot to mention something about the Fen Men: I did speculate that a larger, stronger Fen Man had dragged the horse down rather than the smaller ones.

And as for those links, they're only for a basis of expanded ideas and general semi-realism. Obviously an opponent would not be so co-operative as most of the links show, so when you do action scenes, just keep in mind of every part of the human body for offensive and defensive capabilities (so also think of head-butting, kneeing, elbow strikes, grapples, tripping, etc.).

05-Apr-2013 01:48:03

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