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~The Treasure of Raduon~

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Slay Orc 681

Slay Orc 681

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Actually, it was based on what King Ko(c)** did to the T-Rex in the latest version of the movie. In other words, unhinged the beastie's jaw, leaving it hanging and smothered in blood. ;)

--Guard

22-Apr-2008 02:51:12 - Last edited on 22-Apr-2008 02:51:31 by Slay Orc 681

CaptChekaka

CaptChekaka

Posts: 35,595 Sapphire Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
-- Page 34 --

Here, you began to misuse speech and such, ending a line of dialogue with a period instead of a comma. Try and read through this once more to catch these small things.

-- Description (Through 41) --

I like the description you've placed in the story, giving me a fairly good image of what's ocuring. The only real problems I noticed that damaged this were the misplacing of commas that destroyed the flow of the description itself.

-- Page 41 --

"Joran, bound by his metal chains and with Uvedin and over fifteen score heavily armed pirates behind him cautiously continued forward, towards the ever more apparent beat of approaching drums."

... What?

"Bom.

Bom.

Bom bom.

Bom bom bom bom bom sounded the heavy drums in a deep, hollow tone that rang out with horror unknown. "

This is just... meh. I don't like how it's worded and it's more telling than showing. Try and edit it a bit.

"Uvedin peered out with his ringed hand still carefully hovering just above his blade, awaiting any moment draw and for blood to be shed. For the briefest moment, he thought he caught sight of movement out in front of him, and he walked back several steps into the massive group that was his crew."

I don't like how you worded the hand waiting to draw the blade, it's just not going with me. Oh, and the repetition of 'moment' in the latter sentences should be fixed, as it messes with the flow, and the ending of this section was qutie wordy with discussing the group and speaking of how it was his crew, when we knew that already.

"Then, for the briefest moment as all stared at the corpse, a shrill screech rang out from high above, and heavy, fast drumbeats erupted from all sides of the group."

Awkward. That's all.

22-Apr-2008 04:55:42

CaptChekaka

CaptChekaka

Posts: 35,595 Sapphire Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
"Uvedin drew his rapier from his side, and let out a battle cry loud and clear. He charged head on at the oncoming flood of painted, red eyed natives. Behind him, the surviving portion of his crew was being slaughtered by the massive onslaught of natives. Uvedin continued his solo charge towards the hundreds of oncoming natives."

Repetition does *not* work! Read through it and you'll see.

-- Last Post, Page 41 --

You've spoken about the mass of natives several times now, try and fix up the way to describe the horde. It's kind of annoying.

"Uvedin continued his dance of death, slaughtering countless natives with ease."

Good.

-- Page 50 --

“ALL HANDS! ALL HANDS TO THE DECK! MAN THE CANNONS! ALL HANDS!” the Captain shouted in his dry, raspy voice. “WE ARE UNDER ATTACK! ALL HANDS!”

CAPs? Really? You shouldn't need to use CAPs in dialogue to convey yelling. *Is not liking*

"The ship bearing the black flag became visible through the dark sky rainy sky, and all gasped and whispered as they saw very clearly the ship known as Vanquisher came sailing straight towards them on a collision course."

Wording is off. Also, "dark sky rainy sky"?

"Melting bodies of natives and pirates alike covered the jungle, and all survivors experienced an agonizing death as fire poured from the sky onto their flesh."

Wording.

"“Faint pulse… *cough* He’s still *cough* alive… but the attack used… too much *cough* energy…” Joran said softly to himself. "

The *cough*s really shouldn't be used as such. Break the dialogue, and describe what he does. What you did made it like a Script or something. Just... meh.

22-Apr-2008 04:56:01

CaptChekaka

CaptChekaka

Posts: 35,595 Sapphire Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Overall:

I started from where I left off, and it was pretty good. The writing was alright, and the story kept my interest most of the time. The main issues I noticed were the wordiness, the actual wording, some description, and other small things. It's pretty good, but it can be improved.

Compared to the earlier scenes, it doesn't seem quite up to the level. Well, for me. It lacks the same flow as before, and it just seems as though you're trying to hard to describe when you can normally do it fairly well. Let it come from you, not force it.

Still, it was a pretty good story and aside from some wording and believability issues, it's an alright tale. Keep it up Guard, and try to let the writing flow more easily, instead of forcing it like I got from the sections that came after what I read during my review.

~` Admiral Chek `~

22-Apr-2008 04:56:17

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