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The Legend of the Uber Cabbage

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Dynamax
Dec Member 2015

Dynamax

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A long time ago, in the Monastery near Edgeville, a cabbage grew in the cabbage garden. It was an ordinary cabbage. But, the cabbage next to it was no ordinary cabbage. Sensing the power of this cabbage, the monks of the monastery hid it in a secret room underground, surrounded by thousands upon thousands of traps. But they forgot to set them! So, upon hearing a legend of a strange and powerful cabbage, many thieves tried to find the cabbage.
The monks, nervous about the safety of the cabbage, hired guards for the vegetable. The guards were named Tim the mage, Joe the archer, and IamgoingtostealtheUberCabbage the thief. Late the next night, Tim the mage stole the Uber Cabbage. Soon after escaping into the wilderness, Tim was killed by a revenant, and the cabbage was lost in the wilderness for thousands of years. All knowledge of the cabbage had been wiped out over time, until...
A group of revenant killers were wandering the wilderness when they came across a revenant chicken. The group teamed up, and together they defeated the level 2 chicken. "Cabbage, noobish drop!" complained everyone in the group, and they all left to kill the next revenant. A level 3 named Santa239 found the cabbage, and picked it up. Santa239 continued his journey with his new cabbage.
Upon finding his new cabbage, Santa239 ventured deeper into the wilderness. Noticing him, a revenant drew near and got ready to attack, casting an ice spell. Reaching for the only thing he had with him, Santa239 held the cabbage in front of him to weaken the damage. To his surprise, the cabbage deflected the spell! The cabbage then glowed bright green, and instantly killed the revenant. Realizing something very strange was going on here, Santa 239 ran to a nearby cave to rest and think about his strange new item...

25-Oct-2009 21:15:03 - Last edited on 27-Nov-2009 00:46:22 by Dynamax

Dynamax
Dec Member 2015

Dynamax

Posts: 4,301 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
While Santa239 was resting, a large creature prepared to attack! It cast a powerful spell, which Santa239 just barely dodged. To his surprise, the spell splashed on the floor, hitting him for 9 damage and knocking the Uber Cabbage from his hands! Noticing a pickaxe near the corpse of a much less lucky adventurer, he grabbed the cabbage and the pickaxe.
Santa239 threw the cabbage at the Corporeal Beast, who dropped a very strange looking item as it stumbled backwards. Santa239 grabbed the spoils of the fight, but then realized the cabbage did no more than stun the beast. He took the pickaxe and collapsed the entrance, trapping the Corporeal Beast inside the cavern.
Upon inspecting the strange object dropped by the Corporeal Beast, he decided to use it on the cabbage. Suddenly, the two items combined into an Elysian Uber-Cabbage! Surprised to find that his cabbage had become even more powerful, he decided to test its power. he headed west to the mountain that separates the gwd from the wilderness, and smashed through with the cabbage.
He ventured into the dungeon and massacred all the avianses he could find. Having reached his kill requirement, he entered the Armadyl boss room. Coming face to face with a giant bird, he instinctively threw the cabbage. The cabbage missed the bird. Kree-arra flew toward Santa239 at supersonic speed...
The talons of the large bird ripped at Santa239, dealing 7 damage (of course, reaching his kill limit Santa239 had leveled up to 10 ranged and 13 hitpoints.) Having 4 hp left, he dove for the cabbage, and managed to grab hold of it before a shockwave from Kree-arra's wings sent him flying toward the wall.
Retailiating by throwing the Elysian Uber-Cabbage, Kree-arra was unable to dodge, as it had come within feet of Santa239 to finish him off. Defeated, Kree-arra dropped a varrock tele-tab, along with an armadyl hilt (why does he always get the best possible drops?) and an Armadyl Partyhat. He then proceeded to teleport to varrock.

25-Oct-2009 21:15:20 - Last edited on 27-Nov-2009 03:58:23 by Dynamax

Dynamax
Dec Member 2015

Dynamax

Posts: 4,301 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
"What do you mean, a cabbage?!?" yelled The Bronzare, the leader of the Bronzights. "We have this video somebody posted on youtube of some level 3 killing Kree-arra AND the Corporeal Beast with a cabbage!" replied Bronzight Ed.
The Bronzare sent Ed with a group of Bronzight Hunters (level: 57) to find the cabbage. He also informed his close ally and leader of the Iroknights, Iron Oxide, also called Fe2O3. Iron Oxide sent several Iroknights (level: 72) and an iron dragon to help hunt down this newfound weapon.
Arriving in Varrock, Santa239 proceeded to wear his partyhat and investigated his new Armadyl hilt. "A lot of good this does me without the blade," said Santa239. He suddenly got an idea, though! He used the hilt on the Elysian Uber-cabbage to create an Armadylysian Uber-Cabbage! Noticing the level 3 wearing the partyhat that doesn't even exist, the Bronzight Scout (level: 45) became suspicious and approaced Santa239...
Meanwhile, in Falador, the White Knights noticed an increase in the number of Bronzights and Iroknights. Their numbers used to be so small most people didn't know of their existence, but their numbers have increased drastically as of late. The White Knights asked for help from the few but very powerful allies of the White Knights, the Ruknites and their artistic leader, Runaissance.
Upon capturing a suspicious Ironknight messenger (level: 25), the White Knights found a note. It had information about the Uber-Cabbage. The news was so shocking, it provided all the electricity Falador needed for a year! The White Knights reported these findings to the monastery, who sent several monks to retrieve the powerful cabbage. All the records pertaining to the Uber-Cabbage were destroyed for the sole purpose of erasing all memory of this potentially powerful weapon.
All the monks could do was hope they could retrieve the cabbage before the ever increasing hordes of people with evil intentions could get their hands on it...

25-Oct-2009 21:15:29 - Last edited on 27-Nov-2009 04:32:37 by Dynamax

Dynamax
Dec Member 2015

Dynamax

Posts: 4,301 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Now Back to the story...
The iroknight advanced toward Santa239 and tried to steal the cabbage. Santa239 swung the cabbage at the iroknight by the hilt and hit a 55, killing the iroknight instantly. Santa239 realized many people would try to steal a weapon of this power to train his combat stats.
1 week later...
After training for a week with the Armadylysian Uber-Cabbage, Santa239 had level 75 attack, strength, defence, hitpoints, and ranged. This is of course because he could 1-hit any monster, which helped by fighting enemies with high hitpoints.
For the past week, the Bronzights had been tracking Santa239, and now realized he was far too powerful to be defeated by their ordinary knights, even if he was to lose the Uber Cabbage. So they sent several Elite Bronzights (level: 1337) to retrieve the cabbage, along with several bronze dragons, if for no other purpose than to transport the elite knights.
The White Knights had also been trying to catch Santa239, but failed several times. The ruknightes were much more efficient, though. They sent Ruknighte Berserkers (level: 249) to monitor every teleport spot in existence. Suddenly, several Elite Bronzights approached the Lumbridge Ruknighte and easily defeated him.
Santa239 had been busy training, and decided to home teleport to Lumbridge to rest. Upon arriving, he was approached by a Ruknighte. Hearing rumors of how ruknights are great heroes, he decided to trust the Ruknighte. The Ruknighte told him that he was in danger if he kept the cabbage in an open area and took him to the Lumbridge Castle cellar.
Upon reaching the cellar, the Ruknighte drew their Bronze Longsword and a Dragonfire Shield. The knight swung the sword at Santa239 and even though he used protect from melee, he still got hit for 37 damage! Santa239 countered with a cabbage punch, but the dragonfire shield absorbed the attack and fired a powerful blast. Narrowly avoiding the attack, Santa239 used the Uber-Cabbage's Special Attack, PWN.

31-Oct-2009 20:59:12 - Last edited on 27-Nov-2009 14:29:14 by Dynamax

Dynamax
Dec Member 2015

Dynamax

Posts: 4,301 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
This special attack instantly kills anything in 1 hit, even through armor. The bronzight died, somehow losing the draconic visage and full rune instead of his full bronze. Santa239 attached the visage to the Armadylysian Uber-Cabbage, creating the DragonfirElysiArmadylian Uber-Cabbage. And it already had some dragonfire stored in it!
After emerging from the cellar, Santa239 saw an army of Black Knights, Bronzights, and Iroknights upon leaving the castle. He tried to teleport away, but an Iroknight Mage (level: 29) cast a teleblock on him. The hundreds of knights raced toward Santa239, Abyssal whips, Black Longswords and Zamorak Spears drawn...
Suddenly, an army of White Knights, Ruknightes, and Monks appeared! The monks formed a wall with their protection prayers while their allies went to battle the opposing army. The Elite Bronzights immediately smashed through the prayer wall and started 1-hitting tons of white knights. The ruknightes then called in their strongest fighter- the Elite Ruknighte (level: 3000.)
The battle raged for hours, but the white knights were overpowered and soon near defeat. Santa239 was trapped by the elite Bronzights. He had already used PWN several times during the battle, and was completely out of special attack and dragonfire. Being cornered by Elite Bronzights, he did the only thing left- he ate the Uber-Cabbage!
Santa239 suddenly glowed bright green and shot beams from his eyes that killed all the Bronzights, Iroknights, and most of the Black Knights, who retreated. Then he went to get his stomach pumped. After all, it was a thousand year old cabbage.
The monks took the Uber-Cabbage back to the monastery, but as thanks for giving them the Uber-Cabbage, they let Santa239 keep a leaf of the Uber-Cabbage. He strung the leaf and wore it as an amulet. It increased his power dramatically, but it could never match the power of the Uber Cabbage.
Meanwhile, Guthix noticed the unusual amount of Saradominist use of a piece of nature...

26-Nov-2009 02:34:24 - Last edited on 27-Nov-2009 14:49:45 by Dynamax

Dynamax
Dec Member 2015

Dynamax

Posts: 4,301 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
This story contains characters Noob 1, Noob 2, and Noob 3, and some references to a story that existed in the forums years ago, "The 3 Murderous Noobs." Just as the writer of that story (I Be 1 Sheep) stated before the story, they are noobs, not newbs. There's a difference.
Noob 1: smartest of the 3 (which doesn't say a lot)
Noob 2: thinks lava is candy
Noob 3: always thinks the british are coming

How Santa239 saved Christmas
Years after Santa239 gave the Uber Cabbage back to the monastery monks, the days started to get colder. Adventurers took time from their busy schedules to throw orbs of frozen water at each other. However, this became a dangerous activity after some mischievous people melted them back into water and then refroze them, then threw the orbs. Even the gypsy of Varrock joined in, hurling her crystal ball at a passing adventurer's head.
But even now, evil plots to steal the Uber Cabbage continued. Iron Oxide and Bronzare, the only remaining bronzight and iroknight decided to join forces with their allies, the black knights and the adamaknights. Even the Dragoknights decided to team up with the adamaknights to take the Uber Cabbage. They immediately began plotting a strategy...
Santa239 was busy training his skills, and had recently achieved 99 herblore, one of many skills his cabbage amulet helped with. He had also trained his combat stats to high levels. A messenger approached Santa239 and informed him of the suspected plot by the Zamorakians. The White Knights sent him a gift for the upcoming battle - a full set of white-plated rune armor.
While the Saradominists and Zamorakians plotted against each other, the druids of Taverly had their own plan. The cabbage, being a piece of nature and therefore falling under the category of Guthixian, was to be retrieved and returned to the Caverns of Guthix. There it would be protected from thieves and any possible use to raise Saradomin or Zamorak influence, thus keeping balance.

27-Nov-2009 04:29:17 - Last edited on 13-Dec-2009 16:23:21 by Dynamax

Dynamax
Dec Member 2015

Dynamax

Posts: 4,301 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Santa239 was put in charge of protecting the Uber Cabbage, and was given a group of White Knights and Ruknights for this task. Soon afterwards, Mithril dragons and Dragon dragons descended on the monastery, setting it aflame. The Zamorakian army escaped with the cabbage, but it was sliced in half during the battle. Just when Santa239 was cornered by dragons, a dragonfire shield mysteriously fell from the sky. He didn't ask questions, and just finished off the dragons with his newfound shield.
Searching the wreckage after the battle, Santa239 found the half of the Uber Cabbage. It gave a strong indication of the direction of the other half, so he immediately pursued the thieves. Upon arriving at the black knight fortress, he snuck inside and found a secret tunnel. Santa239 passed through the tunnel and suddenly found himself in the Caves of Guthix! It was a cave that could only be entered by druids, but the black knights just skipped the entrance by tunneling in.
A knight noticed him and fired a hand cannon. Santa239 jumped back into the dug tunnel, whose connection to the Caves of Guthix collapsed. With no way to get through, Santa239 retreated to Taverly.
Santa239 thought for hours how to enter, but then he realized that a prayer potion with a powerful Guthixian addition could give him the power to enter...
Pulling off a piece of the uber cabbage, Santa239 added it to the potion and drank the Guthix prayer potion. Upon entering the tunnel, his path was blocked by noob 2, who had become a Druid of Guthix. "St0p, fr00b! N0n3 5h411 p455!" yelled noob 2, "and feel the wrath of my CANDY!" Noob 2 threw the "Candy" at Santa239, who just barely dodged the lava.
Noob 3, who had become a follower of Zamorak, was in the tunnel and saw Santa239 battling his old friend, Noob 2. "OMG, THE BRITISH ARE COMING!" screamed Noob 3 and cast Zamorak Flames at Noob 2, burning him. Noob 2, attempting to put the fire out, poured gas on the fire, which hit him 55 damage and pwnt him.

27-Nov-2009 04:30:42 - Last edited on 13-Dec-2009 16:25:09 by Dynamax

Dynamax
Dec Member 2015

Dynamax

Posts: 4,301 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Noob 3 proceeded to alert the rest of the Zamorakian forces, and they all attacked Santa239 at once. Suddenly, the Tutorial Island tutors entered the cave. They all wanted revenge on the 3 murderous noobs, for setting fire to the cooking tutor's house, sending an axe head through the survival tutor's leg, pushing the smithing tutor into the furnace, cutting off the head wizard's head, stealing Vannaka's dragon longsword, stealing the Staff of Armadyl and selling it for 1 tril, and throwing Falador Castle at tutorial island (there, now you have a general idea of what the story was about.) So, leading his army of tutors, Santa239 easily defeated the Knights of Zamorak, but Noob 3 managed to escape.
Journeying deeper into the cavern, Santa239 managed to catch up with the Black Knights. Sneaking closer, Santa239 prepared an ambush. He would hide behind the tree, then attack the knight with the Uber-Cabbage half. "Stop!" yelled the Black Knight leader, and all the knights stopped walking. "Something seems odd about this underground tree," the Black Knight leader announced. The Black Knights never let their guard down around the tree. "Put me down, I'm afraid of heights!" screamed the guard (level: 21). Eventually they let the guard down, then proceeded to stab him and hit 22 damage for no reason.
After venturing for hours the Black Knights reached the deepest part of the Caves of Guthix. They found themselves in a small antechamber. The door to the final room was locked however, and had a riddle inscribed on it. The riddle read:
"I have a chair and can be thrown, but won't fly. What am I?"
After several hours of guessing, a knight said, "well, this is taking too long, i have to go train construction so I can finally build a throne room." Suddenly, the massive door swung open, with Santa239 emerging from the final room, sword drawn. "How did you get in there?" asked the knight's leader. "This place is 3000 years old, I cut out a section of the wall," replied Santa239.

27-Nov-2009 14:50:06 - Last edited on 14-Dec-2009 00:53:07 by Dynamax

Dynamax
Dec Member 2015

Dynamax

Posts: 4,301 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Santa239's tutor army came from behind the Zamorakians. Santa239 yelled, "hurry, attack them with rang-," but was cut off by the Zamorakian order, "Everybody, spam!" All the Black Knights proceeded to scream, "@@@@@@@@@!" or "spamspamspam!" Santa239 was unable to rally an attack or even get a point across. (Soul Wars anybody?) The Black Knight Cabbage Carrier ran away while the other knights spammed the chat screen, while only Santa239 gave chase...
Santa239 caught up with the cabbage carrier and swung his sword. The cabbage carrier, in a panic, blocked the attack with the Uber Cabbage half, crumbling the sword to dust. Santa239 took out his half of the uber cabbage and swung it at the other half. The cabbage halves combined to form one Uber Cabbage, which vanished immediately in a flash of green light. Also, the Cabbage Amulet began giving off a strange green glow, and gave better stat bonuses than ever. Confused, Santa239 finished off the Black Knights in the cavern and proceeded to complete the Christmas 2009 event. He had the feeling his questions would be answered soon enough...

27-Nov-2009 14:50:36 - Last edited on 24-Dec-2009 15:48:31 by Dynamax

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