RuneScape Forum Archive | Birth of a Hero

Aug

2023

William Witt

Posts: 12,465 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

"I can understand that," his sister nodded sagely. "I remember starving myself to fit into my wedding dress."

"Yes, well, we can discuss memories later. I really think you ought to get going. Now."

Kit exchanged a quizzical look with his brother.

A while later, the family met at Jeremy's cart workshop. And there, for the first time, Kit saw his new aunt.

"Merciful Saradomin!" screamed Philippus Aureolus Theophrastus Bombastus. The thing before them let out a shrill shriek that made their ears bleed (and their noses, and their other orifices) and lunged for Kit. Philippus Aureolus Theophrastus Bombastus jumped in the monster's path and whacked it with the rubber chicken he carried with him at all times, saving his brother's life.

"Now, dear, we talked about this," frowned Uncle Jeremy. "Please excuse us, this is so embarrassing."

Kit's parents gaped in shock. Bob fainted and hit his head on a table, and had to get 36 stitches. Uncle Jeremy used a stool to herd the creature into the cellar, where he chained and padlocked the trapdoor, quick as a flash. Yet they could still hear her unearthly cries.

"Well," their uncle said with a smile. "Isn't she lovely?"

Philippus Aureolus Theophrastus Bombastus looked livid. "You almost got my little brother killed. What the hell is that thing? No, I don't need to know. You're committing a crime against nature and all the gods."

"Philippus Aureolus Theophrastus Bombastus..." Jeremy said with a frown.

"...Don't you know that humans should only marry other humans? We can't risk watering down the bloodline. You're really not taking the future of the human race seriously, Uncle," said Philippus Aureolus Theophrastus Bombastus. "I'm sorry, but I can't do this. Kit, I'll see you back home. Take care of Mother and Father."

And so he strode off.

Sadly this was only the beginning. After that, each visit to Uncle Jeremy's was a terror. Occasionally they would catch brief glimpses of Kit's new... aunt.

The Asgarnian ale must flow.

13-Jun-2022 13:09:06 - Last edited on 13-Jun-2022 23:07:22 by William Witt

Aug

2023

William Witt

Posts: 12,465 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Mostly she howled under the floorboards and threatened to break through, while Jeremy poured them tea and talked about the weather.

"He's mad... or bewitched," muttered Bob more than once. "He needs a wizard, or an exorcist."

"As long as he's happy, dear," Bobette said uncertainly. "It's like I'm always telling Kit, experience teaches fools."

"But Mum, what does that even mean, you never actually explained-"

"Not now, dear. Experience teaches fools, as I always tell you."

Philippus Aureolus Theophrastus Bombastus would scowl during these conversations and excuse himself from the room. He didn't accompany them to Varrock anymore.

Each visit, in addition to the fear for their own safety, they expected to find Jeremy's bloody remains. Yet by some miracle, he avoided being devoured by his monstrous wife for months on end.

How did they "meet", Bobette had asked her brother timidly before. It was while visiting an outpost of Fremennik. They wanted to destroy her, claimed she and her ilk had been sent by the gods so they might do "penance" for their sins. ("Penance" sounds kind of like "Penelope".) But the missionaries had declared that taking a life was against Saradomin's law, and made such an impassioned appeal to their beliefs that the barbarians wept and laid down their arms, immediately converted to the genuine faith being shared with them.

And then they snapped out of it when her kin, pouring out of a hole in the earth, devoured several of the Fremennik and the entire party of missionaries - but by then, Jeremy and his beloved had escaped the outpost. He'd had to stuff her in a crate and smuggle her aboard a ship, but unfortunately the sailors and captain had all gone deliriously insane after hearing one of her "songs" and proceeded to slit their own throats or jump into the sea.

The Asgarnian ale must flow.

13-Jun-2022 13:09:41 - Last edited on 13-Jun-2022 23:08:49 by William Witt

Aug

2023

William Witt

Posts: 12,465 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Luckily ships and carts weren't too different, in that they both belonged to the general category of "vehicle", so eventually - after some trial and error - Jeremy managed to navigate his way to the Asgarnian harbor of Port Sarim.

The rest of the story, sadly, would remain untold. Uncle Jeremy wasn't actually a very good storyteller. He would speak in a dull monotone, drifting off on side tangents and circling back to repeat himself - something he had probably picked up from his priest. Or had Father Lawrence picked it up from him ? What's more, today his uncle had decided to offer them warm chamomile tea with honey. And Kit had stayed up late recently playing a rousing game of cabbage ball with his brother and some of the kids from school...

His eyelids began to droop.

To spare his feelings, his family had never told him - and it would subsequently be many years before he learned - but Kit was an ungodly snorer. It is difficult for mere words to adequately capture, to do justice, to the sound. The closest comparison might be "an elderly pig ducking for apples in a tub of Jell-O". Also, he drooled. Like, a lot. There might be a reason why his brother, who had to share a room with him the past 16 years, had been driven into the arms of a fanatical cult.

As his horrid snores rumbled through the room, sinking through the floorboards, the creature in the cellar seemed roused into a frenzied agitation - far worse than they'd yet seen. It screamed in pain, throwing itself against the trapdoor with a newfound burst of energy. It is said that in times of great stress, humans are capable of extraordinary feats of strength.

It seems humans aren't the only species for which that's true. The trapdoor exploded into shards of wood, as the screams of the Abyss shattered the windows - The trapdoor right under Jeremy's chair.

It seemed to happen in slow motion - Bobette's brother falling into the pit, seemingly right into the maws of the beast.

"JEREMY!" she screamed.

The Asgarnian ale must flow.

13-Jun-2022 13:10:18 - Last edited on 15-Jun-2022 03:17:43 by William Witt

Aug

2023

William Witt

Posts: 12,465 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

"It's too late for him! We have to go, now!" shouted Bob, grabbing his wife by the arm and trying to hoist Kit over his shoulder as best he could. He was hardly a child anymore, but luckily he'd always been a scrawny little thing, and Bob was built like a barn door. Even so, it wasn't easy.

They ran.

It felt like they'd put half a mile between themselves and the cart workshop before they finally stopped, panting in exhaustion.

"Hey, guys..." Kit yawned. "What's going on? Weren't we just at Uncle Jeremy's?"

~*~*~*~

The return trip to Lumbridge was spent in silence. Bob and Bobette had decided - no, resolved - they couldn't tell Kit about his snoring... about what it had caused. All the boy knew was that his... aunt... had at last escaped her confinement, that his uncle was likely - no, doubtless , dead. They'd left a report with the town guard about the monster in hopes they could avoid any further tragedy, but the guardsmen seemed... skeptical of their story.

Bob gripped the reins of his donkey (this one was called Onion). Though he tried to keep it bottled up for the sake of his family, he wasn't sure he'd ever get over what he'd seen. Jeremy was - albeit indirectly - the reason he had everything that was dear to him in this world. He cursed himself inwardly. Surely there was something he could have done. He should have intervened sooner, gotten Jeremy help by force if he had to.

It was a thought that haunted him for the rest of the trip.

But when the family returned at last to their farm, an unexpected sight greeted them on the cottage door: A letter, nailed to the door. Someone must have delivered it in their absence. Bob and Bobette couldn't read, so the task fell to Kit. He said nothing for a moment, his brow creasing into a frown, as he read the simple text of the letter, penned in a hand he knew so well.

"What does it say?" asked Bob.

Kit paused.

The Asgarnian ale must flow.

13-Jun-2022 13:10:45 - Last edited on 15-Jun-2022 02:59:32 by William Witt

Aug

2023

William Witt

Posts: 12,465 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

"DO NOT BE ALARMED. I AM STILL ALIVE."

~*~*~*~

Jeremy's letters after that were... less frequent, and always similarly brief. Answers remained elusive as to how he'd survived... Or if the monster was still alive.

None of them much wanted to go back to Varrock to find out, even with the greater difficulty of selling their wares in Lumbridge.

When Philippus Aureolus Theophrastus Bombastus heard what had happened, he wanted to take some of his fellow H.A.M. members to the city - and if the beast still lived, they would ensure it didn't stay that way.

"Absolutely not," said Bob.

"We've already had one close shave..." said Bobette, shaking her head. "And dear, if I'm honest, you and your little friends aren't trained. It takes more than gumption to fight monsters. You haven't even fought a goblin yet."

Philippus Aureolus Theophrastus Bombastus' jaw hung open, but he had no rebuttal.

And, at the doorframe, Kit listened quietly.

~*~*~*~

It was a few months later that Kit, on the eve of his 17th birthday, completed his rudimentary peasant-tier education. There's only so much learning a single pouch of gems can buy, especially in a rural duchy in the southern dales. It took a while, but Kit was now fully literate, and could count to 10. The family considered telling Uncle Jeremy about the graduation, but they were too afraid he'd bring Kit's aunt. So instead his graduation was attended by his parents, his toothless grandmother, his cultist brother, and his brother's entourage of purple-robed weirdos. Their robes had previously been white, but unfortunately one of the new members was doing laundry and accidentally mixed the colors and the whites. After that the purple kind of stuck, largely because people who have had their homes burned down and livelihoods destroyed by goblins really couldn't afford more robes. Kit's math teacher scooped him into a bear hug, and Toothless Meg shed a tear of joy.

The Asgarnian ale must flow.

13-Jun-2022 13:11:12 - Last edited on 15-Jun-2022 03:03:17 by William Witt

Aug

2023

William Witt

Posts: 12,465 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Afterwards they all went home and had a delightful birthday supper of - for once - something other than cabbage. They had hot chocolate, and corn dogs (a Lumbridge delicacy, the result of a mad alchemist's unholy experiments with sweetcorn and guard dogs), and cake baked just the way Kit liked it: With only three basic ingredients and no sugar.

"Now that you're a man, son, I'll teach you how to irresponsibly waste your money on fermented, mind-altering liquid that will impair your judgment and give you a splitting headache when you wake up," Bob said with a fatherly smile.

"Aww, Dad," Kit grinned.

"Death to all goblins!" Philippus Aureolus Theophrastus Bombastus' friends said enthusiastically, because they were also there, for some reason.

"Here, little bro, I got you something," Philippus Aureolus Theophrastus Bombastus said affectionately, presenting Kit with his very own set of purple cult robes and clapping him on the back.

It really was the best day of Kit's life.

The next day, he and his family were tending the cabbage fields, when Kit went inside to get a drink of water. Somehow, something drew him towards the attic staircase. As the soft midday light filtered through the attic window, he remembered the chest of adventuring supplies left behind by his family's enigmatic savior. He hesitated. Maybe he was going stir-crazy from being on the farm so long without taking a trip to Varrock. Or maybe he... just needed to find answers.

"Your family and the farm need you. You know that," said the little Icyene on his right shoulder.

"They'll live. Do what you want! Why even tell them? You could sneak off and no one would know," said the Avernic on his left shoulder.

Kit thought about it for a long minute, his outstretched hand frozen on the clasp of the chest.

"Sorry, guys, I have to listen to the Icyene on this one."

The Asgarnian ale must flow.

13-Jun-2022 13:11:24 - Last edited on 15-Jun-2022 02:42:54 by William Witt

Aug

2023

William Witt

Posts: 12,465 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

"Wait wait wait," said the Icyene. "I change my answer, actually. You could do so much to help people and make the world a better place. You could ensure what happened to your uncle, falling into the snares of a monster, doesn't happen to anyone else. You can read and write, which is more than can be said for most of the population in this terrible time period. Also you... Uh... Actually, you don't really have anything else going for you. But it's the thought that counts!"

"That sounds like a lot of hard work," pondered the Avernic. "Wouldn't it be better to like, not do that, and just mooch off your parents? Also it might be fun to join your brother's little group. I hear all the cool kids are doing it."

Kit thought about it for another long minute. He definitely wanted to be one of the cool kids, but he didn't really like purple. Blue was more his thing.

"Hey, isn't blue the color of the good guy god? Join his team and you could wear blue all the time!" said the Icyene.

"Yeah, I'm going to have to go with the Icyene."

"Hooray! You won't regret this." The Icyene on his shoulder did a fist pump and poofed out of existence.

KIt opened the chest and admired the dusty, moth-eaten adventuring gear that had been sitting in an attic for 18 years.

Suddenly he realized the Avernic was still on his shoulder, despite his moral dilemma having been solved.

"Aren't you supposed to be, like, a metaphorical representation of my inner turmoil?" asked Kit.

"Nah mate, I'm just an imp here to rob your family," the Avernic on his shoulder explained.

Kit opened the window and threw the imp into the distance. It hit the blades of a nearby windmill and exploded into ashes. Darn imps. Never used to see those around until a bunch of them spilled out of the Wizards' Tower one day, gleefully chittering and carrying beads and bread dough and other worthless junk that probably no one worth talking to would actually miss.

The Asgarnian ale must flow.

15-Jun-2022 00:19:20 - Last edited on 15-Jun-2022 02:43:44 by William Witt

Aug

2023

William Witt

Posts: 12,465 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Now they were everywhere, like child mortality, disease, and serfdom, except those things were actually normal.

Kit removed the items from the chest, one by one, and felt a curious calm wash over him. It felt like... destiny. He put on the man's adventuring outfit and admired himself in the metal washtub they used as a mirror. He packed the map and the compass into the perfectly designed slots for them in the backpack, and stepped outside to join his family.

They looked up in puzzlement, not recognizing him at first. Then comprehension dawned on his parents' face. The cheap junk in the attic they had been unable to pawn off to even the most gullible idiots in Lumbridge.

"Mum. Dad. Philippus Aureolus Theophrastus Bombastus."

"Hush, son, there's no need to say anything more," his mother said, stepping towards him. "I think... we've known for a while this is what you wanted to do."

Bob nodded stoically, like a cliche masculine father is supposed to do in scenes like these, because toxic masculinity teaches men to suppress their emotions. It really didn't suit him.

"Just... Be safe," Bobette shed a tear and cupped her son's face in her hands. "Eat well, say your prayers to the gods, and if anything goes wrong - don't hesitate to come straight back home. And don't forget to bathe regularly!"

"Mum, I'm probably going to be roughing it in the wild a lot. I can't just nip along to the bathhouse if there isn't a town around."

"Well... Rivers and lakes then, if you can find them."

"Okay, I'll try," said Kit, who would almost immediately break that promise and end up bathing only once a year.

"We'll be rooting for you, bro," said Philippus Aureolus Theophrastus Bombastus with a smile. "Kill lots of goblins for me, okay?"

Bobette filled his backpack with cabbages. She'd wanted to include an even 30, but frowned when she realized the bag only had space for 28.

"Where are you going from here, son?" asked Bob.

The Asgarnian ale must flow.

15-Jun-2022 02:44:39

Aug

2023

William Witt

Posts: 12,465 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

"I think Port Sarim sounds like a good place to start. From what Uncle Jeremy said, every corner of the world is open to you from that port."

And maybe Varrock, when I'm ready. I have to see if he's all right, Kit thought to himself.

His dad squeezed his shoulder. "I know I said you were a man now, but... I still didn't expect this so soon. Do us proud. Show the world what a cabbage farmer can do."

"Uh... Grow cabbages?"

"That's my boy," Bob said, nodding proudly.

And so Kit set off into the sunset.

It was the next morning by the time he arrived in the busy port town. Sailors and monks and merchants filled the stone quays of the harbor. A gruff old man with a pipe sat by a boat to somewhere called "Ashdale". "I'm Ned Swarbrick, and don't you forget it!" he growled at a one-armed dwarf.

The salt air felt good against Kit's face. Also, the waterfront was a great place to dump out all the horrible cabbages his mother had given him. He put a hand to his forehead and scanned the horizon. There was a whole world of adventure out there. Gielinor was waiting.

He smiled and shouldered his bag. Time to get started.

The Asgarnian ale must flow.

15-Jun-2022 02:48:02

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