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[#PCMMMHAN6]

[#PCMMMHAN6]

Posts: 10,079 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Alright Lance Tiger, I'm here to review your story from The Scripted Alliance.
Elite Noob: That's why I use sign language!
-Lol.
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Guide: This is runescape-
-I know I'm a bit picky here, but shouldn't it be "RuneScape"? Sorry, lol, I'm very picky.
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-Elite Noob: Eww! You must have stinky feet I’m outta here!
Lol at this part, but there's a run-on. Put an "!" after feet, because that should be two seperate sentences.
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-Smither: Hello! Do you know how to mine all kinds of interesting ores, and then turn them into useful items! Of course not! Because you are still on tutorial island!
Correction-Smither: Hello! Do you know how to mine all kinds of interesting ores, and then turn them into useful items--->?<--- Of course not! Because you are still on --->T<---utorial --->I<---sland!
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-Elite Noob: I ain't doing no work! Im no slave! Here!
Correctioin-I--->'<--m no slave!
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Elite Noob: I know everything about churches! I go to one every Sunday even though Im not Christian! It has to do with a slug and a carrot stick!
Monk: I dont care! Here bury some bones and scram you noob!
Saradomin: How dare you insult a stupid idiotic nooby loser like that! I thought you were devout! Be gone you nonbeliever, and wear a tutu while youre at it!
-Lol? That was random. Also the "Im" should be "I'm".
-"Dont" should be "Don't".
-"Youre" should be "You're".
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-Wizard: (Why didn't those other guides warn me) Here are some runes now cast wind strike on a chicken.
-Correction: Wizard: (Why didn't those other guides warn me) Here are some runes, now cast wind strike on a chicken.
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Alright, I'm going to stop finding the mistakes, so I guess you should just re-read it and find the mistakes.
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01-Jun-2008 18:35:11 - Last edited on 01-Jun-2008 18:35:38 by [#PCMMMHAN6]

[#PCMMMHAN6]

[#PCMMMHAN6]

Posts: 10,079 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
-Elite Noob: Aha! I shall slay you foul creature and quench my thirst for beef!
-Rofl.

Sneaky Salesman: No! What have you done! I'm melting! I'll get you my pretty, and your stupid friend too!
John: Hey! Thanks for the compliment!
-ROFL!
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Elite Noob: Rocky has 60 magic!
Wizard: Ok "Rocky" what's the square root of 5,890,489?
Rocky: ...
Wizard: Correct! No one cares what it is! Welcome aboard!
-ROFL.
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Guthix: Well, time for me to torture the prisiners-... I mean plant more flowers taa taa!
-Alright, I'll just get this one. Prisiners should be Prisoners.
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Alright, so I just finished reading it, and this is what I think.
The story was freaking hilarious as hell! The comedy for sure is an A+ factor! Spelling and Grammar? It can easily be improved. One thing you missed was adding your apostrophes to "You're" "Don't" "I'm" and things like that. Spelling was alright; I only found a couple of mistakes.
And since this story is so old, it was pretty original, but the plot was all spread out into mini plots, so it was hard to follow.
Alright, there was, however, one bad thing about the comedy: Randomness.
Zammorak: But this is!
*Zammorak fries them and they appear back in Lumbridge*
Elite Noob: That guy reminded me of my toothbrush.
John: He reminds me of soy sauce
Zammorak: Shut up! I shall condemn you both into the worst torture device known to me!!!
It's funny, yeah, but how did Zammorak suddenly appear out of no where in the middle of The Stronghold Of Security or where ever they are?
FINAL THOUGHTS
-Comedy: Awesome, but a bit random.
-Apostrophes and grammar need a little improvement.
-It's original, but the plot is all sepereated. O_o

01-Jun-2008 18:35:11 - Last edited on 01-Jun-2008 18:43:57 by [#PCMMMHAN6]

[#PCMMMHAN6]

[#PCMMMHAN6]

Posts: 10,079 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Alright, after a long thinker, I've decided to give you Level Four. Yeah yeah I know it says you have great grammar in Level Four, and you kinda do, but it's not great.
Fix up these things, and I can guarantee you: THIS WILL GET A LEVEL 5.
Good luck!

01-Jun-2008 18:35:12 - Last edited on 01-Jun-2008 18:36:28 by [#PCMMMHAN6]

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