forums.rs

Forums

Zamorak's True Son

Quick find code: 49-50-112-44924638

of 176
Dreamweaver
Aug Member 2003

Dreamweaver

Posts: 3,790 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Mbts(c)ct,

Guess what? I've finally made it over here to offer you a review for "The Yanillian Library." I apologise that it took so long to reach this point, so let us hurry on with the review without wasting any further time!

First, let me say that one of the most commendable achievements of this story is the *substantial* improvement in your writing skill from beginning to this point. This is exciting, because it suggests that you will continue to improve as you continue to write.

Now let's take a look at a few specific things I noticed as I read through it:

You clearly use a spell-checker and think about the words you use. This helps greatly in making it understandable for the reader. Be careful with a few of the words though. Two examples would be "lay" instead of "lied" and "shone" instead of "shined."

Writing in the first person is good - I like the effect of allowing the reader to get 'inside' the main character's head. But tenses are really tripping you up throughout the first half of the piece. We flip-flop from present tense to past tense, when consistency really needs to be the key unless there's a literary reason for changing the tense.

Be careful in unbalancing power of the charactters too much. I find that the believability (and therefore interest) of the story suffers if I can't relate to the events. E.g. Sarah is involved in some close fights, but is suddenly able to raise 3 people from the dead and make them each ten times stronger. The trick in producing captivating fantasy writing is to be believable and consistent within the framework of your imaginative world.

I loved the little passages where I could get a feel for some of the characters feelings, opinions and emotions. Anyone can write a series of gruesome fight scenes (though you do so with a ton of creative ideas), but to bring your people to life, giving them those human elements is crucial. It was great when we learned that Jaldar was bored after walking three hours!

25-Aug-2007 05:53:46 - Last edited on 25-Aug-2007 05:54:33 by Dreamweaver

Dreamweaver
Aug Member 2003

Dreamweaver

Posts: 3,790 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
For similar reasons, the passages on training were your strongest, for sure. They were a joy to read. Pulling Zamak and Zamorak out of normal time, and superimposing that onto the events happening in the regular world to his friends was a particular effective device. It allowed the tension to really build.

Talking of linguistic devices, the line, "The reality hit me faster than a gnomeball smacking me in the head at ninety miles per hour." was also a nice touch. Use more metaphors, similies, draw parallels to unrelated events, and so on. All that is good stuff!

My last observation is a global one. Overall, the piece has an air of not being particularly planned. This is a remark I seem to put into almost every review I post, but very few people take the time to plan out a skeleton structure of how they want the piece to go before they start writing. However, in doing so, you learn so much more about your project before you start it, you fend off writer's block because you have goals in mind at all times, and the resulting structure of the piece solidifies into a much more meaningful work. I would reccommend it, as one single action to use to bring your future writing projects up to the next level and beyond.

So, my verdict?

I am sorry, but I have chosen not to accept you as a member of "The Yanillian Library" at this time. The Library is designed to contian the absolute best stories that the forums have to offer, so it's supposed to be a major challenge getting in.

This piece does not get in primarily because of its weak first half and its lack of overall aim and structure. But you've already proven that you can write much better than the first 15 or so posts demonstrate.

You have displayed a ton of potential as a writer here, and I do look forward to seeing more of your work in the future. Please do get involved in other guilds too!

Most sincerely,

Dreamweaver

25-Aug-2007 05:54:43 - Last edited on 25-Aug-2007 06:06:36 by Dreamweaver

Venmi

Venmi

Posts: 14,744 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
~~~

“Hmm, it seems that he’s grown a lot more powerful than I would’ve ever imagined,” Zamorak said out loud to himself in the darkest, hottest pit of hell. “I wonder if Sarah is stronger still.”

“I can answer that for you,” said Saradomin, breaking in from the south wall, lava exploding everywhere. Saradomin brought up a see-through blue shield, which surrounded his entire body, protecting him from the lava.

“Saradomin, you idiot!” Zamorak spat. “I hope you know that this whole place could explode, taking you and Me with it!! Be careful!”

“Yeah, and you could make it less hot in here!” Saradomin snapped back. “For the love of me, why does it have to be over 50 degrees Celsius in this cursed place?”

“That’s just as stupid as asking why is does it have to be under 30 degrees Celsius up there. Now will you answer my question?” Zamorak barked.

“Sure. Sarah and Zamak have about equal strength. This will be a fight interesting to watch. I don’t like you, but seeing this with you is an opportunity I can’t miss. Want to watch?”

“Let’s.”

“Hold on,” Saradomin said, stopping the whole mood of watching a great fight. “I smell something.”

Zamorak lifted up his arm and smelled his armpits. Saradomin started laughing so hard, he fell to the ground, dropped his staff, and looked like he was having a seizure.

“No Zamora-” He was interrupted as his laughter cut him off. Zamorak was just standing there, confused, wondering what was going on.

“What’s so funny Sarado-?”

“Wait, wait, let me finish holding my side.” He continued laughing. After about a minute, the laughter started to die down. “Ok… ok… I’m done.”

“Now what was so funny?” Zamorak asked, his arm crossed, and his face slightly contorted in an angry look.

“I didn’t mean something smelled,” Saradomin said, still laughing just a little bit. “I meant I smell a bet.”

25-Aug-2007 23:21:04 - Last edited on 04-Sep-2007 22:19:25 by Venmi

Venmi

Venmi

Posts: 14,744 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
“A bet you say,” Zamorak replied. “What are the conditions and what will happen to the winner?”

“Well, if my kid kills your kid, then you have to give me Varrock. If your kid kills mine, then I give you Falador. How does it sound?” He started to laugh a bit maniacally.

Zamorak then laughed maniacally himself. “Sounds good. It’s a deal. But to tell you one thing, you don’t know Zamak's true strength.”

“You don’t know Sarah’s either,” Saradomin said. “Now shut up and watch.”

Suddenly, both the gods raised their arms up, and a picture of the fight appeared in front of them. They sat down in chairs they both conjured, and started watching.

~~~

Rage overcame me as I charged at Sarah again. I barely even knew what I was doing as we clashed blades. Spark erupted from the blades as they skinned each other. My rage seemed to be my advantage, for Sarah was being pushed back, which is why she quickly parried and swiftly ran behind me. I was already ready, and we clashed blades again. This time, I put my hand on the blunt side of the blade, which was facing me, and with all my might, pushed my blade so it pushed Sarah back.

When Sarah was knocked back, a huge red aura surrounded me, making the air around me very, very hot and humid. It seems my true magical aura was kicking in. The death of my friend was just something that I couldn’t take. I just wished that I could say goodbye. But that’* long gone now. “Sarah!” I shouted. “I hope you know that I will NOT be showing you ANY mercy. Prepare to be slaughtered!”

“No, you should prepare to be slaughtered,” Sarah said as she suddenly had a blue aura about the size of my red one surrounding her. “Die,” was her last word as she charged at me.

@^^^@ End of Chapter 5 @^^^@

25-Aug-2007 23:21:59 - Last edited on 04-Sep-2007 22:19:57 by Venmi

Quick find code: 49-50-112-44924638 Back to Top