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The Cursed Dragon: Part 1

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Dreamweaver
Aug Member 2003

Dreamweaver

Posts: 3,790 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Hi Riekan,

As promised, here is my review of "The Cursed Dragon, Pt. 1" for entry to the Yanillian Library. I apologise about the delay, but as you are no doubt aware, the Jagex-hosted short story writing contest has taken much attention recently.

First of all, what did I like about your tale?

The pace! The action! It was undeniably one of the most exciting and fast-paced stories I've read for a long time. There was scarcely room to breathe before the characters got launched from one danger to another. As a rollicking adventure, it carries the reader along with the central characters like leaves in a gale. Fantastic stuff!

I really like a lot of the words you chose to describe the thoughts, actions and emotions of the characters. You make them live very vividly with your dialogue.

I also liked the clarity of the story. You did not confuse the reader with tangential information or irrelevant events, but stuck to the central storyline like a limpet on a rock.

The spelling and grammar seemed very good to me, all it all. I noticed just a few minor errors such as "existance" instead of "existence" in the first paragraph, "vallies" instead of "valleys" at the beginning of chapter 9, and so on. But overall, the accuracy of the writing is excellent.

So what did I like less, or think might be done to improve it?

Honestly, how you progress and improve with a work such as this is up to you. It's all down to personal preference.

I could suggest that the overall effect feels a little unplanned, with the adventurers going from A to B to C to D. The plot is very linear, but again, this simplicity could be seen as an advantage, as I mentioned above.

I would like to see a little more character development or background information, so that the reader can empathize even more with the heroes on their trek. But the story is by no means completely lacking in such material.

...continued...

02-Apr-2007 20:24:31

Dreamweaver
Aug Member 2003

Dreamweaver

Posts: 3,790 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Perhaps there are a few spots that could be considered just a little too unrealistic. One such point that stood out for me was when the adventurers were running from the trolls to find the tunnel they were in was blocked. So they carved their way back through all their pursuers to escape (Chapter 8).

Maybe a respite from the intense action would be good at times too, with some reflective passages that help flesh out background information about happenings, or allow the adventurers to debate their next move, etc. But again, I just praised you on the non-stop action. So it's all a matter of preference as the author!

I also recognise that I have not read the ongoing sequels to this thread, so if any of my comments are out of date or irrelevant with respect to your later works, I apologise.

As is customary with the Yanillian Library, the review ends with a percentage figure grade, with 85% being the mark to accept you into the guild.

It is my honor to grade you at 90% for this tale. I had a great time reading it, and I would love to see it included in the Library. I shall inform the guild leader, Roshinda, of my decision immediately.

Many thanks,

Dreamweaver


P.S. I see you've provided story questions already, too. Excellent! I will direct Roshind*'s attention to those also . :)

02-Apr-2007 20:31:43 - Last edited on 02-Apr-2007 20:33:13 by Dreamweaver

[#5AGSIZET9]

[#5AGSIZET9]

Posts: 3,564 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Thank you for the honest critique.

I am honored to join the esteemed writers of the Yanillian Library, and I look forward to submitting my other tales to your careful inspection when they are completely finished, in the hopes that they too may join this story on your hallowed shelves.

03-Apr-2007 04:16:40

[#5AGSIZET9]

[#5AGSIZET9]

Posts: 3,564 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
As for any of my fans that liked this work, I would advise reading any of the works in the Yanillian library if you have not done so. People like Dreamweaver have ensured that all those stories are the best, and I for one enjoyed reading them.

03-Apr-2007 04:17:57

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