It might surprise you that I noticed this story at around the same time I was typing my story Cold Eyes. Recognizing the title, I decided to stop by. By the looks of it, no-one has done that for almost three years (most of my work is under the same punishment). As a suggestion, you should also read other peoples’ work; bumping your own story and expecting it to be read without doing others that courtesy is always risky.
“Who am I you ask, I am an alchelogist whom knows his history from lost notes or books from the times of the greater legends of time.”
No, I did*’t ask, and what’s an alchelogist? You mean archeologist?
Aku- family, King Black Dragon, etc. ...
“even his kunais were not powerful enough to defeat Absidious the Conqueror”
A kunai is more of a tool than a weapon. Obviously, it wouldn’t suffice in a duel or a battlefield.
Page 1, post 6, last sentence of first paragraph,
“plus he favored using a dragon-like daggon with powerful poison that does not exist anymore as it's race was depleted by Zaul the Immortal himself.”
So the poison doesn’t exist anymore, because a race, belonging to the poison, is gone? I think this sentence needs a little more clarification.
“they called themselves Aristocrat-Kings.”
If you’re a king, you’re an aristocrat.
Page 2 offers a diary-like format. “I did that, I did that... I did this, I did that...”
And the story finishes with the narrator getting a raise.
The story has fair spelling and grammar but there are mechanical issues, like typos, a little redundancy, or capitalisations that are unnecessary. Although the story so far has a lot of detail, it lacks storytelling, telling what is going on instead of showing what is going on. When I read a story, I want to enjoy storytelling, not go through a shopping list of happenings. Nameless, faceless, bodiless characters are not interesting.
06-Dec-2013 20:23:44
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