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South Field

South Field

Posts: 304 Silver Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Employment Application

Full Name: Etna Bryan Williams
Age: 26
Applying for: Columnist
Experience: None whatsoever
Residence: Draynor
Example:

First, a humorous column: (not every one has to be like this, it is just a sample)

Tea Time With Tiddles:
Tiddles is a wonderful cat that lives in a life of absolute luxury after becoming a successful entrepurrrneur, and seeks to answer the questions of other cats seeking the life that she leads.
Once again this evening we answer the questions of many curious cats (at least the ones that are not deceased) who inquire to the wisdom that I behold.

Q:I find that whenever I see a bag, I have the urge to pounce on it or go into it, why is this? is it some sort of built in feature that I have alone? (I have not seen others do it).
What you are doing is purrfectly natural, and as you rightfully suspect, is a built in cat feature. Once upurrn a time, monsters lived inside of all bags, they later moved out thanks to the effort of our large primate support staff, and are now more commonly known as dogs. Our lifelong battle with the canine species is the source of our urge to pounce on or displace by moving into bags.
I should know, I'm a cat.

Q: Dear Tiddles, I am a large fan of your work, and I am wondering how you became a columnist, or even how you can write.
None of your concern, though what I can tell you that it involves furry important usage of a piano, and my translator. Wait, how are you writing to me?*
*unless you're a person, in which case why are you writing to a cat?

Q: Dear Tiddles, how do I operate the flap in the door? I've got to get through it beclaws my support staff isn't always around to open the door.
Paws for a moment, take a deep breath, calm yourself, stay pawsitive. What you are about to do is a rite of passage that every cat must make. Aim at the flap, and walk through is forcefully, and you will magically find yourself on the other side (even I cannot explain the magic behind this).

11-Oct-2013 01:03:53 - Last edited on 11-Oct-2013 01:04:50 by South Field

Sand Traven

Sand Traven

Posts: 4,520 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
K9 Morphed said :

South: Was that an interview... with a cat?

Yes it was, and if your next sentence to her isn't "you're hired," I'm going to flip every table in Esme's office like Jesus in the temple. It was hilarious. XD One man's trash is another's treasure, and one man's cash buys another's pleasure.
So I'll rob from the cradle, and I'll rob from the grave; it's just human traffic, and I'm just a slave.

11-Oct-2013 20:50:59

South Field

South Field

Posts: 304 Silver Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Bread
It's on our tables, we loaf it, bread.

Bread has been the staple of the peasant diet ever since we can remember. Tapestries of feasts long gone show royalty or even ordinary folk in communion around a table enjoying the fluffy baked dough. Even now, bread is still the vast majority of the the diet, and it can be obtained just as easily from the markets of Ardougne to the fields of Lumbridge.

Though this miracle of water and ground wheat has been sold for long over a millennium, there is still untapped wonders that the loaf of bread might still hold. The invention of the sandwich is a prime example of this. Ever since a quick thinking person decided to daringly slice bread and place his dinner between two pieces, our diet has been forever changed.

What other wonders could bread hold? Have we ever thought of selling it by the slice? Or adding cinnamon and chocolate to it? We've already baked it into a circle, making the popular bagels we know today, what else can we do as a people to extract the possibilities from ever loaf?

I myself have long considered this issue, and have devoted an extensive amount of time to it, whether it be meals, or simply researching it in the library. I have in my travels and studies found that it is possible to make bread into a bowl, and to serve soup in it, perhaps obsoleting the modern porcelain bowl altogether. This discovery could in itself save peasants on average a large percentage of their yearly expenses devoted towards bowls, which constitutes a large portion of the average farmer's wages.

Yes indeed we can conclude that their are still unlocked mysteries that bread holds, and that only through extensive time wasting research could we find the true potential made possible by dough. We owe it to the world that we take our time to find this, not just for ourselves, but for all races on Gielinor to prosper greater than before.

11-Oct-2013 21:17:42 - Last edited on 22-Feb-2014 03:32:44 by South Field

Kalitu III

Kalitu III

Posts: 274 Silver Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Employment Application

Full Name: Dana 'Dannie' Ray Hayes

Age: 27

Applying for: Asgarnian Correspondent

Experience: Dannie worked in her father's printing press shop as an apprentice. At age seventeen, she left her apprenticeship after a fight with her father. Dannie got a small job in the local newspaper and even though she had originally only gotten the job because she needed to eat, Dannie found she liked the newsprint business. At around nineteen she graduated to a small time columnist in a larger paper and her career has been steadily rising since then. Now a very adept journalist, Dannie is applying here.

Residence: Falador, Asgarnia
Example:

BANDITS RAID ROAD
Yesterday on the 34th Ire of Phyrrys, several bandits attacked a popular trade road connecting Varrock, Misthalin to Falador, Asgarnia. Authorities say that three people have been injured in this brutal attack and four more were slain by these bandits. One person identified as Henry Tallow, age thirty-four, was taken hostage by these murderous highwaymen.

"It all happened so fast. It was so quick. I heard a few screams and then it was over." Said Jillian Tallow, wife of Henry Tallow and aged thirty-three. "I didn't realize what had happened until it was over. The man next to me, I never learned his name, had an arrow sticking out of his eye."

Mrs.Tallow is just one of many people who have fallen victim to this bandit gang. Last week on the 26th Ire of Phyrrys, this gang is suspected to have conducted a similar raid on a more guarded caravan. A transfer of some 25,000 Gold Pieces was supposed to be made by the Bank of Varrock to the Bank of Asgarnia, but the gold was stolen in a similar attack which left thirteen dead and seven wounded.

EDIT: Julian to Jillian because Julian is too masculine.

12-Oct-2013 20:04:29 - Last edited on 12-Oct-2013 20:30:27 by Kalitu III

Kalitu III

Kalitu III

Posts: 274 Silver Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Authorities are up in arms on how to combat this problem but have promised swift action. Sir Kuir, a partisan in the White Knights, made an official statement this morning. "We will not let our fellow Asgarnians and our Misthalite friends fall prey to attack born only from avarice. Plans are in motion to appropriately handle this increasingly burdensome gang." What exactly the White Knights have planned, Sir Kuir did not reveal.

A white knight who spoke under anonymity said this about the bandit gang, "This 'ere gang isn't like 'tha of 'tha gangs we eva' dealt wif'. They ain't afta' gold or gems - they want blood. They're jus' murderers. They like killin'."

One thing remains clear through the tension; the rocky northern roads of Asgarnia remain largely unpatrolled by any guard force. When the Battle of Lumbridge started some months ago, many guards simply up and left their posts to fight in the war. The snowball effect created by this since has felt particularly straining in places such as these rural areas. But with the Battle of Lumbridge finally ended, many expect the guards to return to their former positions and duties. Time will tell in a week or so, when the arduous journey back to northern Asgarnia should be coming to a close.

This journalist certainly hopes for a safer northern passage and for this bandit gang to be finally brought to justice.

Dannie Hayes
Asgarnian Correspondent Applicant

12-Oct-2013 20:04:38 - Last edited on 12-Oct-2013 20:28:35 by Kalitu III

Aivas

Aivas

Posts: 3,002 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
South Field said :

Q: Dear Tiddles, how do I operate the flap in the door? I've got to get through it beclaws my support staff isn't always around to open the door.

Paws for a moment, take a deep breath, calm yourself, stay pawsitive. What you are about to do is a rite of passage that every cat must make. Aim at the flap, and walk through is forcefully, and you will magically find yourself on the other side (even I cannot explain the magic behind this).

Hire. This. Person. Right. Naow.

12-Oct-2013 20:15:59

Sand Traven

Sand Traven

Posts: 4,520 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Just a heads-up Kalitu, Julian is a man's name. One man's trash is another's treasure, and one man's cash buys another's pleasure.
So I'll rob from the cradle, and I'll rob from the grave; it's just human traffic, and I'm just a slave.

12-Oct-2013 20:23:02

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