RuneScape Forum Archive | Act of love, mercy or malice?

Averia Light

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Assume you have wronged someone you are close to and it is beyond the point of reconciliation. It has changed the relationship forever.

At this point would staying be an act of love or selfishness? Would leaving be an act of mercy or malice? Would trying to fix the relationship be caring or just hurtful?

I have been on both sides of this and I am not currently in this situation at all, I am just curious about others' thoughts are as I think it is a big grey area. And I swear I'm not going to let her know all the pain I have known

11-Jul-2022 00:58:56 - Last edited on 11-Jul-2022 01:03:33 by Averia Light

Liliest

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The devil may be in the details... It sounds to me like an instance of this sort would constitute a serious violation of trust. A betrayal. As most things can be reconciled but a betrayal can cause damages which may not be entirely fixable.

Is it safe work under the assumption that we're talking about a betrayal? Otherwise, what else might cause irreconcilable damage? A truth that's told with ill intent beats all the lies you can invent.

11-Jul-2022 02:42:40

Averia Light

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Liliest said :
The devil may be in the details... It sounds to me like an instance of this sort would constitute a serious violation of trust. A betrayal. As most things can be reconciled but a betrayal can cause damages which may not be entirely fixable.

Is it safe work under the assumption that we're talking about a betrayal? Otherwise, what else might cause irreconcilable damage?

Sure it can be betrayal as I'd imagine nearly every instance of feeling wronged by someone close to you could be interpreted as betrayal. And I swear I'm not going to let her know all the pain I have known

11-Jul-2022 03:08:24 - Last edited on 11-Jul-2022 03:13:14 by Averia Light

Liliest

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Difficult to answer.

If something went wrong my typical approach is to begin examining the causal pathways. Regardless of whether the two separate or remain together, w/o conscious self-reflection by both parties, there's a high probability the event will occur again.

Sometimes people hurt everyone they get close to because they've failed to attend to certain matters within themselves.

Sometimes people attract those / are attracted to people who end up hurting them for the same reason.

The issue as far as I can tell is... "Look, this is where we are/where I am. Now, where are we/where am I going. Are we/Am I moving in a better direction or not?"

Of course that requires answering, "Where does 'better' look like?"

I think addressing the greyness of the issue may require examining the finer details of the case, although I appreciate your appreciation of abstraction. A truth that's told with ill intent beats all the lies you can invent.

11-Jul-2022 03:44:30

Averia Light

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I don't really have a specific case in mind and thanks for your answer. I may expand on it more tomorrow.

I guess I can answer, too. I prefer to be left alone when something like this happens largely because the person I once perceived no longer exists and it is cruel to continue a relationship with someone I essentially no longer know. Maybe I never knew that person sort of thing.

However I have come across people who want the other person to fight to prove they care. Obviously this insight was provided by people that were venting to me about others who have wronged them, but I found it interesting.

When I wronged someone, I generally try to give them space to figure it out on their own then I ask how they would like to proceed. And I swear I'm not going to let her know all the pain I have known

11-Jul-2022 03:54:32 - Last edited on 11-Jul-2022 03:56:01 by Averia Light

Nov

2020

SlR

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If I had hurt somebody, enough where apologies or forgiveness were off the table, I'd still apologise (it's never off the table) but I'd be thinking 'this future is not for me to decide' / I'd be in 'limbo' of sorts. For how long? who knows...

I'd have no reason to treat them differently, but they'd have reasons to treat me differently. It'd be tough. From past experience, I've found it's best to 'return to your last 'save point' lol. Try to go back to how it was (from your perspective) and try to act how you did before any of the mess happened.

If you've already apologised, and they want to forget what happened, then don't act like it happened! or do anything to remind them of it. Projection can be a powerful thing, even if you have to 'fake' a smile or two (for their benefit) consider it payment for your wrong-doing. Over time they might forgive you, but they might not, that's their choice.

Give up control for a little while, stop thinking about YOUR next step and instead observe THEIRS. Communication is key (cliche, I know) but keep things simple; ask them what they want, how they feel, etc. Don't ask them anything silly like 'will you ever forgive me' because that just opens up the wound. Plus they probably haven't even decided that themselves so you'd be forcing them to give an answer they might feel obliged to stand by, even if they grow to feel differently. It's hard to explain.

Don't over-complicate things, just do your best to not make the same mistakes in future. Or if they were inconsequential (to you) communicate that, and try to convince them that it's fine to see some things differently. Compromise is part of every relationship, so is accepting differences.

Would staying be an act of love or selfishness?
- Both

Would leaving be an act of mercy or malice?
- Neither

Would trying to fix the relationship be caring or just hurtful?
- Caring Bob says:

A bank PIN will keep your items secure.

Always check the second trade screen.

Never trade in the Wilderness!

Keep your computer keylogger-free and virus scanned.

Never give your password out to anyone.

11-Jul-2022 09:00:18 - Last edited on 11-Jul-2022 09:05:52 by SlR

Elion Z

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It sounds like a trap

11-Jul-2022 16:36:16

Averia Light

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Elion Z said :
It sounds like a trap

Just because this is quick to address, I have very similar thoughts. If a relationship ever gets to this point, it is time to part ways. In my head, there is no chance of salvaging the relationship and it will only cause hurt to one or both parties in the end.

However, that is my personal bias and a recent conversation with someone made me wonder about this. And I swear I'm not going to let her know all the pain I have known

11-Jul-2022 19:14:06 - Last edited on 11-Jul-2022 19:15:04 by Averia Light

Averia Light

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Liliest said :
Difficult to answer.

If something went wrong my typical approach is to begin examining the causal pathways. Regardless of whether the two separate or remain together, w/o conscious self-reflection by both parties, there's a high probability the event will occur again.

Sometimes people hurt everyone they get close to because they've failed to attend to certain matters within themselves.

Sometimes people attract those / are attracted to people who end up hurting them for the same reason.

The issue as far as I can tell is... "Look, this is where we are/where I am. Now, where are we/where am I going. Are we/Am I moving in a better direction or not?"

Of course that requires answering, "Where does 'better' look like?"

I think addressing the greyness of the issue may require examining the finer details of the case, although I appreciate your appreciation of abstraction.

The grey is where there would be an irreconcilable difference, whatever that may be. Could be betrayal, could be a political position that is too extreme for one party, could be how the person in question treats others in private, could be an inappropriate statement about whatever. Whatever "wrong" one party perceives that causes the relationship to not be salvageable. If you want to discuss your reaction to each of the examples I just provided, go nuts, but I'm really just asking about the reaction.

As far as the rest, sure those are helpful tactics to help avoid this situation, but not an answer to the situation itself. And I swear I'm not going to let her know all the pain I have known

12-Jul-2022 02:34:26 - Last edited on 12-Jul-2022 02:45:01 by Averia Light

Averia Light

Posts: 28,508 Sapphire Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

SlR said :
If I had hurt somebody, enough where apologies or forgiveness were off the table, I'd still apologise (it's never off the table) but I'd be thinking 'this future is not for me to decide' / I'd be in 'limbo' of sorts. For how long? who knows...

Ok, at what point do you just move on, then?

SlR said :
I'd have no reason to treat them differently, but they'd have reasons to treat me differently. It'd be tough. From past experience, I've found it's best to 'return to your last 'save point' lol. Try to go back to how it was (from your perspective) and try to act how you did before any of the mess happened.

Ignoring that it is very rare for one party to be 100% at fault, I would find this approach to be upsetting if I were the wronged party, because in my head the other person isn't the same person I thought I knew. Going back to how it was would just be a continuation of the lie I was led to believe sort of thing and I wouldn't want that.

If you've SlR said :
apologised, and they want to forget what happened, then don't act like it happened! or do anything to remind them of it. Projection can be a powerful thing, even if you have to 'fake' a smile or two (for their benefit) consider it payment for your wrong-doing. Over time they might forgive you, but they might not, that's their choice.

Man, see this fakeness would bother me. And at some point I feel like it is ok to forgive yourself even if you were the party that wronged the other person. Faking it just... doesn't seem right. I'm not saying that my way is right either. Maybe there isn't a best practice here but this would feel like sweeping it under the rug to me. And I swear I'm not going to let her know all the pain I have known

12-Jul-2022 02:44:46

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Act of love, mercy or malice?