RuneScape Forum Archive | A story to come.

A Disgrace

Posts: 836 Gold Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

So, I'm currently in the process of writing a short novel set in Gielinor. It'll be the first in a series of three short novels. This one is set in Gielinor, normal RuneScape. The second will be modern day earth but in Gielinor. So phones, cars etc.
The third will be a distopian futuristic novel set in Gielinor.

This is a short teaser. Please give constructive criticism.

Introduction
Tentatively the shy young boy stepped into the dimness of the small candle. He sat. He didn't want to be here, he thought. In fact, he didn't even have any idea how he got here. That fact he found hard to comprehend, because he'd always made sure he knew every meticulous detail of what he would be doing, what he was meant to be doing, where and when, but the past few days had been a blur of pain, anger and disaster.
The metal door swung open and a guard clad in black armour next to the door saluted like a fool. He was just a boy too, an idiot. He had no idea what he was doing. Neither did Joe, though. The towering figure, ducking to walk through the high door, stepped in, slamming the door behind him and stepping forward, every footstep like a crunch of bones as his armour clinked and clunked. He was covered in black armour, too. But he had no helmet on. His armour was trimmed though with gold leaf around the edges, and a small, crooked dagger, like the smile of death himself, sat on his left hip, his gloved hand wrapped tightly around it. Joe couldn't quite make out the man's face in the dim light of the small cell he was sitting in. There was very little in there, it was more of an interrogation room, really. There was a wooden table in the centre, with a single candle on it, even the candle was black, dark, and gloomy, with two chairs either side. On the left was a glass panel, but it was too dark to see through. Probably someone watching me from there, taking notes, Joe thought. The walls were stone, making the place awfully cold, and Joe was wearing barely anything, ...

29-Jan-2015 19:46:43

A Disgrace

Posts: 836 Gold Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

... just some tatty shorts and a top, he shivered.
The armour-clad beast took a seat and leant forward towards Joe, and then he could make out the features of the giant in the gloomy light of the candle. He had a bald head and brown, tired eyes. He had a cut on his cheek that stretched for a good few centimetres and dry lips, that were ever so sullen.
"What were you doin', lurking round our groun's?" The man would blurt out, but before Joe could reply, a man in smart attire hurried in,
"Captain, um, they need you in um," He stuttered "the courtyard, we have some security, er, problems.."
"What?" The Captain would bellow "Can I not leave you **** knuckles alone for ten minutes?" And with a slam of his fist on the table, making it creak uneasily, he would swoop out, closely followed by the smart man.

Chapter 1
Joe strolled through Varrock, content with his life. He stepped into the square, bustling past busy people carrying all sorts of items from swords to tinderbox's. He loved his home, Gielinor, you never knew what was coming. The square was lively, alive with the bustling crowd of people that had something to do. He walked up to Benny at the paper stall, he'd known Benny since he was young because he'd always gone and got the paper for his dad. He paid the 50gp to Benny and got his Varrock Herald. He brought it into his eye line and read the headline 'KINSHRA GAINING MORE LAND, COSTING MORE LIVES'. He sighed. Joe was clever, he'd be taught by his father who'd worked as a librarian at the Varrock Castle...

That's all for now, I'd love hear your thoughts, thanks!

29-Jan-2015 19:47:34

Westenev

Posts: 19,719 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Hello there, I am Westenev. I will be your Wanna-be-mod for today.

To begin with, I think your story could use a little more paragraphing. Blocks of text can be hard to read, and often deter readers from the main points of your text. As a general guide, I try to make sure I never exceed 4-6 lines per paragraph and ensure that I put at least one enter spacing between paragraphs. Don't be afraid to take up space.

Secondly, you have a good eye for description. I don't really have much to comment on besides that. Try finishing chapter one, maybe chapter two - I might have more of an opinion once they are finished.

Lastly, and most importantly, you're posting in the wrong forums . The 'Roleplay - Forums' section is for collaborative story making among different people. You'd find a more active, attentive and appreciative community on the 'stories' forum.

If you're interested in learning more about the Roleplaying forums, feel free to check out the RPCH here . It's all OOC (Out Of Character), so I'm sure SOMEONE will take the time to show you around.

Good day.